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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27213466">Painkiller</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tagesschau/pseuds/tagesschau'>tagesschau</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Broadchurch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(tell me who that quote is from and i'll buy you a cuppa), Alec Hardy Needs A Hug, F/M, fluff if you squint, welcome to my book: two people are talking in a room. sometimes they go outside</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:20:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>62,917</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27213466</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tagesschau/pseuds/tagesschau</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie is lonely, it's obvious to her that Alec is lonely, so why not avoid being lonely together? It only makes sense, really.</p><p>Or:</p><p>Can I use the sharing-a-bed trope unscathed if I lampshade it?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Hardy/Ellie Miller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>215</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec woke up to a banging on his door.<br/>“Hardy!”, a voice yelled, then the person knocked loudly again.<br/>He rolled out of bed and stumbled towards the door in utter darkness. It had to be around one or two in the morning judging by just how dark it was.<br/>“Hardy!”, the voice shouted.<br/>“I’m on my way for Christ’s sake!”, Alec groaned, turned the light in his living room kitchen combination on and a moment later ripped the door open to find Ellie standing in front of him.<br/>“What do you want?”, he snapped.<br/>“Oy, shut it!”<br/>“Excuse me?”, he was taken aback.<br/>“I got a question for you, DI Hardy.”, The way she pronounced his name was weird; all drawn out, prolonging the next consonant. And every other word was just slurred.<br/>“Are you drunk?”, he asked.<br/>“Are you a jerk?”<br/>“You are. Go home, Miller.”<br/>“I haven’t asked my question yet. And you should let me in, it’s cold out here.”<br/>“I don’t –” he was cut off by her just pushing past him, her shoulder hitting hard against his. She determinedly walked to the table and sat down on a chair.<br/>Alec ran his hand over his face with a groan, then walked over and took a seat opposite of her. “What is it?”<br/>“Why did that stupid arse lawyer of my stupid arse murder husband think we had an affair?”<br/>He shook his head in disbelief. “What?”<br/>“Everybody now thinks we did! Which is very insulting for me, I mean, look at you.”, she made an expansive gesture towards him.<br/>“I hope you remember this tomorrow; you’ll be very sorry.”<br/>“Are you not bothered? Three people asked me today if I had shagged you. I repeat: three!”<br/>“So what? Who cares?”<br/>“I do! And apparently, they do, too.”<br/>“Well, I don’t.”<br/>“You should. Everybody already hates you; they don’t need to project that onto me.”<br/>He sighed, leaning back in his chair. “Is that why you came over? To insult me?”<br/>“No, I can do that over the phone. But I doubt you would’ve picked up.”<br/>“You know me so well.”<br/>“Shut up, Alec.”, she kicked him under the table. He twitched, gritting his teeth. Then he noticed. “Did you just call me Alec?”<br/>“It’s your name, innit?”<br/>“I told you I don’t like the first name thing.”<br/>“Is little Alec going to cry now?”<br/>“You’re lucky I don’t hit women, or I’d slap you right now.”<br/>“I’d slap you harder.”<br/>“Miller, go home. I can walk you there if you insist.”<br/>“No.”, she said determinedly. <br/>“Well, you’re not staying here.”, he stood up and went to pick up his phone. <br/>“What are you doing?”, Ellie was watching him in confusion. <br/>“Calling you a cab.”, he opened the door and stepped out. It was barely a second, before Ellie rushed after him, snatching the phone from his hand. <br/>“Don’t!”<br/>“You can either walk or get a cab, but I need to sleep.”<br/>“Good for you.”<br/>He frowned. Did she not notice how little sense she was making? <br/>Ellie spun around and walked back to the door, but he caught her arm, roughly pulling her back. “Not happening.” He turned them both around and pushed the door closed with his heel so Ellie couldn’t get in without getting past him first. <br/>“It’s cold, let me through.”<br/>“You know what’ll be nice and warm? Your own flat. Now get lost.”<br/>“I’ll freeze before I get there.”, she tried to make a step past him, but he pushed her back, holding her by the shoulders. She kept trying, struggling to move his body out of the way and suddenly, a sharp pain went through Alec’s body and he let out a yelp while letting her go out of reflex.<br/>Ellie snuck past him, back inside and Alec knelt down to hold his bare foot. <br/>“Oh, for Chirst’s sake…”, he muttered, rubbing his foot a little to make the pain go away, but it didn’t really help. Ultimately, he just stood up and followed Ellie inside. <br/>“No cabs.”, Ellie said. “Sit down.”<br/>“Where’s my phone?”<br/>Ellie held it up, placed it on the table. “Behave and you’ll get it back.”<br/>He scoffed, but he did take a seat again, leaving the phone untouched. “You’re a nightmare.”<br/>“Zip it.”<br/>He scowled at her. “Watch your tone.”<br/>“Fine, <em>Sir</em>.”<br/>“Not what I mean.”<br/>“Do you want to kiss me?”<br/>He recoiled in confusion. “...what?”<br/>“One-time offer.”, she got up, walked around the table and her hand settled on his shoulder to keep from swaying. <br/>“Miller, step away from me.”, Alec said with forced calmness.<br/>“We should just do it. Your wife left you, my husband is ruining my life, and everybody already thinks we’ve shagged.”<br/>“You’re drunk.”<br/>“Barely.”<br/>“You’re so drunk.”<br/>“So what?” Her hands now slid across his chest. “You’re really skinny.”<br/>“Stop it.”, he grabbed her wrists and pushed her hands away.<br/>“Do you have an eating disorder?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Like do you make yourself throw up after eating?”<br/>“I know what an eating disorder is!”<br/>“Do you have one?”<br/>“No!”<br/>“Good. Because it's not working anyway; you still look like shit.”<br/>“Stop touching me if I’m so disgusting.”<br/>“Not disgusting per se.”, her hands wandered to the back of his neck. “But unhealthy.”<br/>“I told you not to touch me.”<br/>She leaned down to kiss him, but he turned his head away. <br/>“Coward.”<br/>“Do I need to remove you violently from me?”<br/>“You sure you would be able to? What if you have a heart attack and I happen to forget to call an ambulance and clear out your liquor cabinet instead while you thrash on the floor?”<br/>“Alright, enough.”, Alec grabbed her by the shoulders, roughly shoved her away and stood up.<br/>“I know ye hate me bit ye’re not gaun’ae make fun ma fucking heart problems. An' I will nae die tonight or any time soon. Stop hoping, shut yer mouth, an’ git out of ma home.”<br/>“Alec…”<br/>“Stop calling me Alec!”, he shouted.<br/>She looked at him in fear.<br/>“I may nae be yer boss anymore bit ye will respect me whither ye like it or nae, are we clear?”<br/>“Yes. I just wanted to say you’re wrong.”<br/>“What?”<br/>"I don’t hate you. I mean you’re a total nightmare and I’d rather work for just about anyone else, but I don’t hate you. I never could.”<br/>He didn’t quite know how to react to that.<br/>“And I know you want an affair with me. You keep saying ‘You’re drunk, Miller’ like that’s the only thing that keeps you from tearing my clothes off right now.”<br/>“Fuck off.”<br/>“Am I right?”, grinning, she stepped back up to him. He took another step away and ended up with his back against the fridge.<br/>“Wait.”, Ellie reached out and switched the lights off. “You can pretend now.”<br/>“Pretend what?”<br/>“I don’t know. That nobody would know?”<br/>“I don’t care.”<br/>“Do you really not care?”<br/>“I care about things that are important. Drunken policewomen are not one of those.”<br/>“But you like me, don’t you?”<br/>“I’m not answering that.”<br/>“Alec…”<br/>“Stop ca –”<br/>The imitated his accent and tone very poorly. “Stop calling me Alec. Ugh, I’m the bad grumpy cop.”<br/>“You suck at accents.”<br/>“You suck in general. No qualifiers needed.”<br/>“Miller.”<br/>“Fine. I’m sorry, Alec. And stop whining about your name. It’s a good name. It suits you.”<br/>He just scowled at her, not sure what to say to that. <br/>“You know, you could be such a better person if you weren’t so scared of being broken.”<br/>The words caught him off guard. “…what did you just say to me?”<br/>“You’re scared. It’s okay. We all are. I am too. I was so blind.”<br/>“The thing with Joe is not your fault. You know that.”<br/>“But I trusted him. I thought he was a good person. Maybe I should stop trusting you as well, you’re already a shit person.”<br/>“You trust me?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>He couldn’t see her face in the dark, but he was sure she was smiling.<br/>“You’re an absolute arsehole but you’re not a let-down. That’s something.”<br/>“Is that the alcohol talking or…?”<br/>“Does it matter?”<br/>“It does.”<br/>“You kept Claire save all this time. It’s sweet. You save people when they need you.”<br/>He didn’t even reply to that. It was bullshit and they both knew it. He was a good cop, but he wasn’t saving anyone. <br/>And just when he finished that thought, he could feel Ellie’s hand searching for his cheek to then rest on it and a moment later, her lips met his. He blinked into the darkness, then closed his eyes and let it happen. Her hand slid up into his hair, gripping it tightly. The hand was warm. Ellie was generally just really warm. He blamed the alcohol. She definitely tasted of it. Her lips, her breath – her tongue. She sighed into his open mouth and pressed her body close against his, having him lean into the fridge again. He cautiously kissed her back, felt the hand on his hip now move up and he could feel the coldness of the metal behind him through the fabric of his clothes. A stark contrast to Ellie’s warm hands. He made a groaning noise of non-appreciation, but it was muffled.<br/>“I can count your ribs.”, Ellie whispered, her hand moving across his shirt. He shivered under the touch. “It’s – ew.”<br/>“Glad you found something to busy yourself with.”, Alec muttered.<br/>“Sure you are.”, she balled the shirt up in her hand and leaned over. Alec had expected her to try and kiss him again, but she had been aiming for his neck. Her open mouth gently travelled across his bare skin and he swallowed hard, unwilling to admit how good it felt. She kissed his neck. She nicked his skin with her teeth. Then she sucked on it. Alec closed his eyes, trying to keep it together. Then he realised what she was doing and pushed her away. <br/>Ellie just laughed. “You’re going to have a hickey tomorrow and everybody will ask you if it’s cause you’re having an affair with me!”<br/>“No, they won’t.”, he grumbled, rubbing his hand over his neck.<br/>“They absolutely will.”<br/>“Oh, piss off.”<br/>“Like you’d actually want me to leave. Come on.”, she pulled on his arm, dragging him towards the bedroom but he shook her hand off. “Miller, just go to sleep. This is a bad idea.”<br/>“No, it’s a great idea.”, she grabbed his arm again. <br/>“Please get off me, I’ll have a heart attack if you keep doing this.”, not true but it did do the trick.<br/>“Fine.”, she moved away and leaned against the doorframe. “So you basically can never have a shag without fearing you’ll die?”<br/>“Basically.”<br/>“Sucks to be you.”<br/>“Eh.”, he shrugged. “Could be worse.”<br/>“How?”<br/>“My spouse could turn out to be a murderer.”<br/>“You dick!”, she slapped his arm.<br/>“It’s true.”<br/>“Piss off, Hardy.”<br/>“Back to Hardy, are we?”<br/>“Piss off, Alec.”<br/>“Alright. You can sleep here. I’ll be on the couch. And stay away from me.”<br/>She rolled her eyes, walked into his bedroom, kicked her shoes off and crawled into the bed. Alec took a deep breath, knowing that this was not over. He had messed up. But at least he had stopped it before anything serious had happened. That should be worth something. Maybe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Listen, I know Alec/David's accent is not that strong nor does it sound exactly like that. I just have a headcanon that Alec gets increasingly Scottish when he's annoyed, so I lean into it more than necessary (or even appropriate).</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie woke up to a terrible headache. She snuggled closer into the blanket when she noticed something in her arms. A cloth. Peeping with one eye open, she saw it was a t-shirt. Light grey, all crumpled up. She closed her eye again. Must have left it on the bed after doing laundry. Then she noticed something else. The smell of the bed was off. Not her bed and not a hotel room bed. It was more of a stale smell and sort of…like dried sweat. Frowning, she opened her eyes. Okay, this was definitely not her room.<br/>
Concentrate, what happened last night? She went out with Claire to get a couple of drinks. And Claire wanted them to each have a one-night stand. So this was that bloke’s home. Alright. She could live with that. It did look eerily familiar though.<br/>
She rolled onto her other shoulder, ready to see who she had ended up with, but the bed was empty. Hm. Her head was spinning as she sat up and got out of bed, stumbling into the room next door while still holding onto that t-shirt. The room next door turned out to be a living room and oh god.<br/>
There was someone lying on the floor. Ellie dropped to her knees next to him. “Hardy!”, she shook him. Groaning, Alec rolled onto his back and opened his eyes.<br/>
“Oh good, you’re not dead.”, Ellie said and got back up to her feet. “What are you doing there?”<br/>
“Sleeping.”<br/>
“On the floor?”<br/>
“Couch. I fell. Didn’t bother to get back up, the couch is shit.”<br/>
“You slept on the couch?”<br/>
“Someone was in my bed.”, he too got up.<br/>
“Right. So…why was I in your bed?"<br/>
He raised an eyebrow. “What, you don’t remember?”<br/>
“Not really.”<br/>
“Oh, that’s rich.”, he went into the kitchen and to the sink, filling the kettle.<br/>
“What are you doing?”, she kneaded the shirt in her hands as she followed him.<br/>
“I’m making tea.”<br/>
“What happened last night?”<br/>
“I’m getting to that.”, he turned the kettle on and walked over to the table. “Sit down.”<br/>
Very uncertain, Ellie sat down on the spare chair.<br/>
“What do you remember?”, he asked.<br/>
“I went out with Claire. Couple of drinks. And then there were those lads, and we went around town for a bit and…that’s it.”<br/>
“You don't remember coming here at all?"<br/>
“No. Is that bad?”, she buried her hands in the linen of the shirt.<br/>
“To hell if I know.”<br/>
“What happened?”<br/>
“You banged on my door, screaming, and I woke up, let you in and we talked a bit.”<br/>
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”<br/>
“You suggested we should have an affair.”<br/>
Her face fell. “D – what?!”<br/>
“Yeah, that's what I said, too.”<br/>
She felt hot now, her cheeks burning. “But – did we really?” and then she noticed something about him. “What's that on your neck? Did I do that?”<br/>
He covered the spot awkwardly with his hand. “Nothing. Look, it’s not my fault you thought it would be funny to do that.”<br/>
“You’re telling me I <em>did that</em> for fun? Why would I do that?”<br/>
He shrugged. “Ask yourself.”<br/>
She eyed him up in pure disbelief. “That’s bullshit. You’re lying.”<br/>
“Why would I lie? And how would I fake that?”<br/>
“I don't know.” Did that matter? It couldn’t be true, no matter what he claimed. Just a stupid, distasteful joke of a cynical man without a sense of humour. Nothing more. No matter how stone-faced he was.<br/>
“Well”, he went on. “do you remember anything? Anything at all?”<br/>
“No.”, she bit her lip trying desperately to remember anything at all. Then a picture popped up in her mind. A dreadful picture: Alec in front of her, her lips on his, one hand in his hair, one on his back. Ellie’s jaw dropped. “Oh god, I actually kissed you, didn’t I?”<br/>
“Yes. But –”<br/>
“What is the matter with me?”, she jumped back up to her feet, hysterical now. “And you! What, you just shagged me? Just like that?”<br/>
“We didn’t shag, Miller.”<br/>
“God, you disgusting twat! How dare you – ?”<br/>
“Miller –”<br/>
“Save it! You bastard just took advantage of me being drunk, did you?” Tears were in her eyes.<br/>
“Will you just shut up for a second?!”, Alec shouted. “We did not shag, for Christ’s sake.”<br/>
“Then why do I remember kissing you?”<br/>
Alec sighed like this was all just another chore for him to plough through. “I didn’t ask for that. If that’s what you’re insinuating. If anything, I have grounds to report you for sexual harassment.”<br/>
“Oh, please.”, she scoffed.<br/>
“I’m serious. You’re lucky I’m not that petty.”<br/>
“Oh, sure, maybe not petty, but you are needy. Or why else did you go with it?”<br/>
He shook his head, looking at the wall instead of her. “Listen to yourself talk. You’re ridiculous. I’m starting to think your drunk self is better company.”<br/>
“Why, because I was trying to come onto you? Hardy, I was drunk! You were sober, you should’ve stopped!”<br/>
“I did! I told you no and left you to sleep out your hangover in my bed and slept on the couch so I wouldn’t have to share a bed with you.”<br/>
“So you – completely soberly – kissed me?”<br/>
“I didn’t kiss you. You kissed me.”<br/>
“I didn’t. I would never do that, not even drunk. You’re disgusting.”<br/>
“You’re holding my shirt.”, he pointed to it.<br/>
“Ew.”, she threw it across the room, and it landed on the doorstep to the bathroom. He looked after it, shaking his head some more.<br/>
“Your bed smells.”, Ellie added. She didn’t even know why she was arguing with him anymore, she just wanted to rectify her hatred for him because what if he was telling the truth? What if she had been the one who made the move that led to that one memory that she had?<br/>
“Aha. Does it now?”<br/>
“Yeah. Of sweat.” She tried hard to focus on any other aspects of that memory but couldn’t make out much more than that one snapshot.<br/>
“Happens if you’re sick.”<br/>
She clenched her fist, wanted to punch him, even though she was barely listening to his words anymore.<br/>
“Is that the reason you said no? So you wouldn't have a heart attack halfway through?”<br/>
“It was the only reason drunk you accepted. ‘I’ll die’ is a pretty strong argument.”<br/>
“Oh, go ahead and die. I don’t mind.”<br/>
“Why are you mad at <em>me</em>? I didn’t do anything.” Hypocrite. He must be. A lying hypocrite.<br/>
“You could’ve put me in a taxi and sent me home.”<br/>
“Believe me, I tried. You wouldn’t listen. What was I supposed to do? Knock you unconscious?”, he stood up now as well.<br/>
“I was drunk, not rabid. You could’ve managed.”<br/>
“So don’t get drunk. You’re not a child and I have no obligation to take care of you.”<br/>
“I was socialising with your witness of the case you put me on although I had nothing to do with it.”<br/>
“Just piss off. I don’t need this.”, he went to the hob again and took the kettle off the heat. He poured himself a cuppa but didn’t make her one.<br/>
“Why did you kiss me back? Do you have a thing for me?”<br/>
“I didn’t.”<br/>
“Liar. Go on then, are you that under-fucked?”<br/>
He looked at her in cold fury. “How dare you?”<br/>
“That’s what I’m getting from this.”<br/>
“If I’d sunk that low and shag mindless, drunken women, you still wouldn’t be one of them. Now leave my property.”<br/>
“Fuck you. Just go fuck yourself.”, with tears in her eyes, she walked past him, making sure to hit him with her shoulder. Hot tea spilled over his hand and he flinched at the sudden pain. A few more steps and she was out the door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just btw, I don't have a beta-reader. If anyone wants to volunteer, let me know. Until then, apologies for any missed typos.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Claire immediately ran to the front door when she heard the bell ring, ripping it open. Ellie. Finally.<br/>“There you are.”, Claire smiled.<br/>“Hey. Sorry for not coming home. Or calling.”<br/>“It’s alright. Alec told me you were good.”<br/>She looked at her aghast. “He what?”<br/>“He didn’t say much. Just that you were on the way here.”<br/>“Oh. Okay.” <br/>Claire frowned. Something was off. Something big. “Was there more he should’ve told me?”<br/>“No, no. I’m just surprised he talked to you about me at all.” That didn’t sound the least bit reassuring. Or truthful. Maybe Alec had just guessed to get her off the line quicker and hadn’t actually known anything about Ellie’s whereabouts. <br/>“Well”, Claire went on. “I asked him about you.”<br/>Ellie just nodded. Not her usual snappy self. <br/>“Anyway, come in then.”<br/>She followed Claire into the kitchen where they sat down at the table and Claire poured her a cuppa from the leftover tea she had in the kettle. <br/>“Where did you go last night? I thought the plan was to repeat last time we got smashed together?”, Claire asked, trying to sound casual. She had to be careful to get something out of Ellie. <br/>“It was but something came in between. Uh, would you…mind filling me in? I have some gaps in my memory.”<br/>“Really?”, Claire grinned. That explained the odd behaviour. Ellie was flustered because she couldn’t remember everything and looked so exhausted because of a hangover. “You lightweight.”<br/>“Just tell me what happened.”<br/>“Well”, Claire sipped on her own tea. “We got drunk at the bar, chatted a bit. Then these lads hit us up and we walked around town a bit with them. One thing led to another and I took my bloke back home. You said you had to go somewhere before that. But you never came back.”<br/>“Yeah, no. Apparently I didn’t.”<br/>“So what happened?”<br/>“I woke up in a bloke’s bed.”<br/>Now, that was finally good news. “So you got laid again! Good for you.”<br/>“Uhm, I just told him to piss off and left.”<br/>“Was it the lad from the bar?”<br/>“No. Someone else.”<br/>“Alright. Was he handsome?”<br/>“Not really.”<br/>“Good thing you left then.”, she grinned.<br/>“Yeah…”<br/>Claire could tell that she didn’t want to linger on the topic for too long. Maybe she regretted the night already. Questioning the judgement of drunk-her. Claire used to do that, too. “I thought we could have a nice walk around the fields today, I can show you around a bit.”<br/>“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.” Did it? It almost sounded like Ellie hadn’t even been listening to her.<br/>“…you sound a bit off, Ellie. Are you alright?”<br/>“Headache.”<br/>Claire smiled. “Gotcha. Do you want some water instead? Painkillers maybe?”<br/>“Yeah, actually an Aspirin would be lovely. Thank you.”<br/>Claire went into the adjacent room but kept on talking loudly as she searched through a drawer. “If only alcohol didn’t come with the side effect of the hangover.”<br/>“I think then we’d all be drunk non-stop.”<br/>A chuckle. “I sure would.”<br/>“Me too. The job is too stressful to do sober.”<br/>“Can’t imagine. Maybe that’s why Alec’s always so grumpy. He doesn’t drink enough.”<br/>“Tell him to drink more. Maybe he’ll listen to you and be less of a knob.”<br/>Claire picked out the medicine and headed back to Ellie in the kitchen. “We can both tell him. You know, joined efforts and all that. Should be on his way here already.”<br/>Ellie’s eyes widened a little. Claire smirked. “Is he really?”<br/>“Yeah. Just talked to him about half an hour ago. Why? Are you scared to have your boss see you hungover?”<br/>She picked a pill from the box and handed it to Ellie who threw it back without any liquid. Impressive. <br/>“No. He’s not even my boss anymore. But he gives me a migraine whenever he’s around and I already have one, so I don’t need it to get worse.”<br/>“I’ll make sure he’ll play nice.”, Claire winked at Ellie, who just sighed. <br/>“God, I hate drinking too much.”<br/>“Yeah, you certainly look like it. And didn’t even have that good of a time last night, eh?”<br/>“No. Definitely not worth it.”<br/>“Ah, come on. A bad shag is still better than no shag.”<br/>“I suppose so.”<br/>A knock on the door.<br/>“Oh, speak of the devil. One second.”, Claire got up and headed for the door again. <br/>“Morning.”, she smiled at Alec, who just nodded in return and followed her inside.<br/>“Guess what.”, she told him as she walked him into the kitchen. “Going out last night was very successful.”, Claire told him with a grin. Ellie kept her gaze low, avoiding looking at Alec.<br/>“Was it now? Good.”<br/>“And Ellie didn’t come home last night for a very special reason, didn't she?”, Claire nudged his side. <br/>His face fell. “Oh really?”<br/>“None of your business.”, Ellie said immediately. “And don’t get cheeky with me again, I’m not in the mood.”<br/>“Don’t worry.”, Claire said to Alec, putting a conspiratorial hand on his arm. “I’ll fill you in later.”<br/>“I’m already filled in. Did you get any other messages from Lee?”<br/>Claire was taken aback. “Are you? How so?”<br/>“I didn’t mean – forget it. I don’t wanna know anyway. Lee?”<br/>"Not so fast, Mister. I can tell when you’re lying, you should know that by now. How do you know about Ellie’s adventures?”<br/>“Can we get back to business?"<br/>She eyed him up, frowning, but then she spotted a dark mark on his neck, half covered by his collar, it all fell into place. Those two little liars. She couldn’t help but smile. “How did you know she was on her way here?”<br/>“Claire, we have more important things to take care of.” Dodging. Typical.<br/>“No, no, no. What is that?”, she pointed to his neck.<br/>“Claire. Stop it.”<br/>“Stop what? Pointing out your cheeky love bite?”, she brushed her finger across his skin. <br/>“Don’t do that.”, he swatted her hands away. <br/>Claire grinned widely. “Oh, you sodding bastard. Both of you.”, she turned back to Ellie. “‘Some bloke’, huh? A Scot per chance?”<br/>“Nothing happened.”, Ellie murmured, her face turning bright red.<br/>“You call that nothing?”<br/>“Claire, please –”, Alec said but she cut him off. “Hush, Alec.”, and sat down next to Ellie. “Tell me everything.” She wasn’t quite sure if she even wanted to know ‘everything’. It was more that Alec would never tell her anything about his personal life and she longed for a little scoop of scandals.<br/>“Nothing to tell.”<br/>“Is he that bad?”<br/>“I don’t know and I don’t want to know.”<br/>“Oh – right, you don’t remember you said. What a shame. I would’ve loved to hear all about it.”, she gave Alec a grin over her shoulder. He looked ready to murder both of them. She couldn’t blame him. Her grin wasn’t real either.<br/>“Stop it. Nothing happened.”, he said very clearly.<br/>“Then why did she wake up in your bed?”<br/>“Because she was too wasted to get back home on her own.”<br/>“And you didn’t happen to think ‘why not?’ and gave it a go?”<br/>“Definitely not.”<br/>She knew he wasn’t lying but that didn’t matter. The idea was already planted in her head. The thought of Ellie with her hands all over Alec and vice versa. Not the prettiest image. They didn’t quite fit together. Not physically nor personality-wise.<br/>“I don’t believe you. You’re just a man, Alec, you wouldn’t be able resist.”<br/>“I don’t have time for this. Call me if you get another message.”, he made his way to the door. Claire called after him, but he didn’t stop.<br/>“Sensitive topic, hm?”, she turned to Ellie. “So what actually happened?” Her hands were sweaty now and she couldn’t hold her foot still, it was restlessly tap tap tapping underneath the table.<br/>“I genuinely don’t remember. According to him, we didn’t have sex.”<br/>That was something. God, she hoped he wasn’t lying. Still, she had to ask the obvious: “And how does he explain his cute little hickey?”<br/>“He said I tried to make a move on him.”<br/>“You on him? Alright. Why did you do that?”, she put on a smirk again but kept an eye on Ellie’s reactions. Maybe Ellie had only been so reluctant to go out and get laid because she had actually wanted Alec instead. <br/>“Honestly, I’m not sure I believe him. Maybe you’re right and he tried something but then his morals caught up and he stopped before it went too far.”<br/>“Could be.” Please no. “But you can’t know that for sure. Maybe you’re just not admitting to yourself that you fancy him a little too much.”<br/>“I don’t fancy him. I don’t hate him, but I also don’t like him and I definitely don’t fancy him. He’s my colleague. A semi-good cop.”<br/>Was that a little blush on Ellie’s face? Were the questions embarrassing her because they were insinuating unspeakable things or because Claire was right? “Then why did you blow off a certain one-night stand with the lad we met to pay dear Alec a visit?”<br/>“Maybe I was in the mood for a fight. Happens sometimes. I get confrontational when drunk.”<br/>“More than normally? Impressive.”<br/>Ellie sighed. “I already got into an argument with Hardy this morning.”<br/>“I’m guessing he was trying to deny everything.” But was it true?<br/>“Essentially.”<br/>“I wouldn’t believe him. Maybe he’s embarrassed. Can’t blame him for that. Him sober, you drunk. That doesn’t reflect well on him.” Fit him though. Fit him way too damn well.<br/>“I don’t think he’s lying about what happened. But maybe about how it happened.”<br/>“What do you mean?”<br/>Ellie shook her head. “I don’t know. I just don’t want to believe I’d ever try to get with him, smashed or not.” You better not.<br/>“Well, unless your memories start coming back, you’ll never know for sure. But if it helps: Alec’s not a good liar. Should be pretty easy to make him sweat and tell the truth – if he hasn’t already.”<br/>“I guess so. Anyway – let’s not talk about it anymore, okay? It’s giving me another headache.”<br/>Claire nodded. But she wanted to know what had happened. She needed to know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec picked up the phone. “What?”<br/>
“Open the door. I’ve been here for seventeen minutes and I know you’re home.”, Ellie said, demonstratively knocking once again.<br/>
“Is it about a case?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“Then I don’t want to hear it.”<br/>
“Hardy, please. I need to talk to you.”<br/>
“About?”<br/>
“Well, what do you think?”<br/>
“I said everything I had to say.”<br/>
“And I reacted with repulsion and I wanted to apologise for that.”<br/>
“No, you don’t.”<br/>
“I don’t want to but at least I am mature enough to own up for it.”<br/>
“Just go away, Miller.”, he hung up and dropped the phone next to himself on the mattress before closing his eyes again.<br/>
“Hardy!”, the knocking and shouting was directly above his head now, or rather behind the window at the head of his bed.<br/>
“Jesus, Miller! Have some respect!”<br/>
“Get up!”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“I’m sorry, okay?”<br/>
“Okay.”<br/>
“You’re not listening to me.”<br/>
“Strange.”<br/>
“Just open the door! Five minutes.”<br/>
“Will you leave it alone then?”<br/>
“Yes!”<br/>
“Fine…”, he rolled out of bed, grabbed a jumper on the way and ripped the front door open, not even looking at Ellie before turning away sitting down at the kitchen table. A little unsure, Ellie walked in and took a seat opposite of him. He put the jumper on over his t-shirt and folded his arms over his chest. “Five minutes.”<br/>
“I have some questions.”<br/>
“Good for you.”<br/>
“But first, I wanted to apologise and also thank you for letting me stay last night.”<br/>
“You’re welcome. Won’t happen again.”<br/>
“Alright.”, she tensed up her jaw, trying very hard not to slap him. “So my questions. Uhm, I woke up with your shirt in my hand. Was that…prompted?”<br/>
“Did I take my clothes off? No. You probably got it from the floor.”<br/>
“Okay. Good. Did you – or I – uhm…do anything like that with me too?”<br/>
“Did I take your clothes off? Also no. Not a single sock.”<br/>
“Oh, thank god…” she sighed in relief. “So neither one of us did any undressing?”<br/>
He shook his head, scoffing. “As if I’d let that happen.”<br/>
Ellie ignored that last remark. “Can I ask something else?”<br/>
“I think the five minutes are over.”<br/>
“No, they’re not.”<br/>
“One question, then you leave.”<br/>
“Alright. Do you think less highly of me now?”<br/>
He shrugged uncomfortably.<br/>
“Come on, you must –”<br/>
“What do you want me to say, Miller? If I say what I think and you didn’t wanna hear it, you’ll hate me. If I say what I think and say something you did wanna hear, you’ll accuse me of lying to save face and hate me. Makes no difference.”<br/>
“It makes a difference to me. And I wouldn’t hate you.”<br/>
“Stop it. Don't say that.”, he shook his head.<br/>
“Why –?”<br/>
“I said stop!”, he rose to his feet.<br/>
Ellie looked at him, flabbergasted. “What is the matter with you?”<br/>
He made a dismissive gesture. “You said that last night. That you could never hate me.”<br/>
“…did I?”, she said breathlessly.<br/>
“Yeah. Unmistakably.”<br/>
“Oh.”<br/>
“Yeah. ‘Oh.’ Do you know what else you did?”<br/>
“What?”<br/>
He folded his arms over his chest again. “Called me Alec. The whole bloody time.”<br/>
“Did I? Brave. And did you call me Ellie?”<br/>
“No. Which you were mad about.”<br/>
“Wait –”, she got up too, taking a step up to him. “I remember that.”<br/>
He raised an eyebrow. “You do?”<br/>
“Yes!”, she hasted over to the door to his bedroom. He followed her, sighing. “We were here.”, she said, tapping her fingers on it. “You sent me to bed. Right?”<br/>
He scratched the back of his head. “Miller, this is weird. Can we just –”<br/>
“That’s when you stopped it.”<br/>
“Miller.”<br/>
“Come on, we’re both adults.”, Ellie said, taking a step towards him. “We can talk it out like adults.”<br/>
“I thought we were already doing that.”<br/>
“Look – I’m just trying to tell you that I don’t blame you. That’s important. Remember what you said the morning after? That you could report me for sexual harassment? I thought about that some more and you’re absolutely right, Sir. That was not okay. Not just because you used to be my boss. And the way I talked to you was disrespectful when I should’ve just trusted that you were telling the truth.”<br/>
That was unexpectedly insightful and reflected. “Right.”, he stammered. “No worries. I’m not resentful.”<br/>
She frowned. “Are you not? Are you sure about that?”<br/>
“What happened to being respectful?”<br/>
“I just hope we can continue as we were. No hard feelings.”<br/>
“Sure. Fine by me. And maybe consider not listening to Claire’s more…unreasonable ideas.”<br/>
She smiled; seemed much more relaxed now. “Speaking from experience?”<br/>
“I wouldn’t call it experience. That implies impact. Hard to leave any impression when you’re blackout drunk.”<br/>
“Oh, did she get you smashed, too?”<br/>
“Shamefully so, yeah. Multiple times. The one I mean is the one which I don't remember."<br/>
"Too bad. Probably a good story."<br/>
"Maybe. But I don't remember any part of the entire evening. I woke up in the cottage in the middle of the night. Under the bed.”<br/>
“That’s impressive.”<br/>
“No recollection whatsoever of how I got there. Claire couldn’t tell me either. Probably for the best.”, he folded his arms over his chest, sighing.<br/>
“Who knows, maybe you went out looking for a bloke to go home with, too, and were hiding from him afterwards.”<br/>
“I hope not.”<br/>
“Can’t rule it out though, can you?”<br/>
“Guess not. But it doesn’t matter.”<br/>
“No, of course not. Excuse me, I wasn’t trying to imply anything. Just making conversation.”<br/>
He nodded. “Words have been said, so we’ve had a conversation. Can I go back to sleep now?”<br/>
“Well, there is one thing that has been floating around my mind since yesterday. Silly, really, but – I couldn’t banish it somehow.”<br/>
“I don’t like silly.”<br/>
“No, I know you don’t. That’s why I don’t know how to bring it up without, you know, upsetting you.”<br/>
“Since when do you care about upsetting me? You told me to go fuck myself about ten thousand times just this morning.”<br/>
“That was a different situation.”<br/>
“Just get it over with.”<br/>
“Can I ask a favour of you?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“Please.”<br/>
“What favour?”<br/>
“Can we…”, she looked over to the bed. “Can I stay over again tonight?”<br/>
“Excuse me?”<br/>
“I don’t mean like that. Just – never mind. It’s stupid.”<br/>
“Why would you want to stay over? So I have to sleep on the couch again? Sure, if I do that long enough that’ll kill me, too.”<br/>
“I’d – don’t laugh.”<br/>
“Fine.”<br/>
“Promise.”<br/>
“I promise.”<br/>
“I just would want to, I don’t know, not sleep alone for once. I hate sleeping alone. But no sex, obviously.”<br/>
He stared for a few seconds. He didn’t laugh. Just pondered. “…seriously?”<br/>
“Seriously. I get lonely. I bet you are lonely.”<br/>
“I’m not lonely.”<br/>
“Then why was it so easy to get to you last night?”<br/>
He chewed on his lip for a bit, calculating. He must be insane. “Does it have to be tonight?”, he finally said.<br/>
“No. Do you have plans?”<br/>
“No. I just need some time to think.”<br/>
“I’m sensing a No.”<br/>
“No.”, he pursed his lips, looking away. “Uh…sorry, I’m – I’m irritating myself.”<br/>
“That’s new. If it helps: I don't expect anything of you. Just sleep. Maybe be so kind and don’t kick me while you sleep.”<br/>
“That’s not the issue.”<br/>
“Then what is the issue?”<br/>
The issue is that I want to say Yes, he thought. He shook his head. “Forget it. Tomorrow?”<br/>
“Sure.”<br/>
“You make breakfast.”<br/>
“Deal.”, she smiled. He just nodded, feeling immensely uncomfortable.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie knocked on the door of Alec’s home and received no answer at all. And the lights were all off.<br/>“Cunt.”, she said, pulling her phone out and calling him. No answer either. Great. She put her bag on the floor and sat down on the stairs. He wasn’t going to bail out of this so easily.<br/>It took twenty minutes before Alec showed up. He even had the audacity to look surprised when he spotted Ellie on his doorstep. “What are you doing here?”<br/>“Are you being serious?”, she snapped.<br/>“I mean what are you doing here already?”, he pulled the keys out of his pocket and walked over.<br/>“What do you mean ‘already’? I said I’d come over in the late evening.”<br/>“Yeah. It’s eight. It’s basically noon.”<br/>“Shut up and get in there. You’re lucky it didn’t rain.”<br/>“Why would I let you in for insulting me?”<br/>“Because I’m not going to leave, and you are not going to enjoy the night in that case.”<br/>He sighed and walked over to the door, unlocking it. “Not going enjoy it either way.”<br/>Ellie followed him inside.<br/>“Remind me again why this is necessary.”, he took off his coat and threw it over the chair’s backrest.<br/>“Stop complaining and be grateful you’re finally having some company at night.”<br/>“Who says I don’t have company at night?”<br/>She raised a sceptic eyebrow. “Do you?”<br/>“None of your business.”<br/>“Meaning you don’t.”<br/>“I’m having second thoughts about this.”<br/>“I’m not leaving.”<br/>“Well, I am.”<br/>She frowned. “What, why?”<br/>“The deal was that you stay overnight. I’m not going to spend the evening with you.”<br/>“We’re going to sleep early.”<br/>“I won’t sleep for hours.”<br/>“Then just enjoy the company, you prick.”<br/>He folded his arms over his chest and eyed her up.<br/>“…what?”, she mimicked his pose.<br/>His voice had a more honest and not at all aggressive tone now. “I’m just trying to figure out why you’re here.”<br/>“Well, stop. You’re giving me the creeps. I’ll go change for bed. Where’s your bathroom?”<br/>“This place has literally two doors. Take a good guess, Miller.”<br/>“Sod off.”, she took her bag and made her way over her way into the bathroom. Her reflection greeted her in the mirror. She shook her head and started to change outfits. <br/>What was she doing here? This whole situation was stupid. She shouldn’t have been stupid enough to get drunk the other night. Definitely shouldn’t have kissed him. She was lucky Alec had even had the decency to truthfully fill her in and not lie his way out or make it seem like they had in fact slept together to help his ego. But she still wasn’t sure why she was so keen on staying here again. It wasn’t like last time had been particularly enjoyable. This was kind of a do-over in a way. And she definitely wasn’t going to let anything bad happen. Not this time.<br/>Tired but nervous, she made her way over to the bedroom and saw that Alec, too, had changed into different clothes. She eyed him up, frowning.<br/>“What?”, he said.<br/>“That’s the shirt I woke up holding.”<br/>He looked down his body. “Is it? I didn’t notice.”<br/>“Well, it is. I’m sure.”<br/>He nodded slowly. “Do you want me to change?”<br/>“No. It’s fine.”, she put down her bag and then awkwardly sat down on the edge of the bed. “So…how are we gonna do this?”<br/>“You stay on your side; I stay on mine. What else would we do?”<br/>She could think of a few options but wasn’t in the mood for an argument. <br/>“Alright.”, she threw back the covers, then laid down in the bed and pulled the blanket over herself. Alec folded his arms over his chest.<br/>“Comments?”, Ellie said a little too aggressively.<br/>“I’ll turn the lights off.”, he walked back into the kitchen and did as said. When he came back, it was a little less awkward. He got into bed as well, quite obviously staying away as far as he could from Ellie.<br/>“Good night.”<br/>“Night, Miller.”<br/>“Seriously?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Forget it.”<br/>Silence. <br/>Ellie stared at the ceiling, trying to calm down enough to get tired. This room was so small that she could see parts of all four walls while looking straight up. It was even smaller than the hotel room she had stayed in right after they had taken Joe into custody. Smaller than her own current bedroom. Smaller than the guestroom at the cottage. She really had been sleeping in too many beds recently. And not even for any good reasons; there was always some sort of tragedy involved.<br/>“Hardy?”<br/>“What?” His voice sounded different in this quiet space. More hoarse, deeper. <br/>“Can I ask you something?”<br/>“Can you not?”<br/>“Be nice.”<br/>“Why would I?”<br/>“Can I just ask? It’s only a bloody question.”<br/>“Fine. Ask.”<br/>“Why did you get Claire the cottage?”<br/>He shifted a little in the sheets. “…what?”<br/>“She said you’re the one who found it for her. Must’ve cost time and money. You’d just lost a job, so you weren’t particularly well-endowed in those departments at the time.”<br/>“I’m the one who convinced her to make a statement against Lee. I’m the one who’s responsible for the case falling apart. She was scared, she was angry. She felt betrayed by me. And she said I owed her to protect her now. I agree with her. The fact that it was the cottage is just a coincidence. Far away from civilisation, not too far away from me. It was ideal.”<br/>“But you weren’t obliged to do that.”<br/>“But I felt guilty. Still do. She knows that.”<br/>“You mean she’s using you?”<br/>“Maybe. I don’t care. I just thought I wouldn’t want to be left alone either if I was her.”<br/>"That’s your reason?"<br/>“I don’t need your approval of it.”<br/>“No, I’m not complaining. It’s good. Very sweet.”<br/>“Shut up.”<br/>“Chivalric.”<br/>“I said shut up.”<br/>“Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you through all that fluffy cuteness hovering around you.”<br/>“Miller.”<br/>“Sorry. You should show that side of yourself more often, you know?”<br/>“No, I shouldn’t.”<br/>“Why not?”<br/>“Because I got stabbed in the back each time I let my emotions get the best of me.”<br/>“Really? Hm. Sorry you feel like that.”<br/>“You’re just sorry you didn’t have a boss who wouldn’t stand up to you.”<br/>“I hate that you’re such an insensitive arse all the time, yeah. But it does make you a good cop. And us a good team.”<br/>“Great.”<br/>She gave him a shove.<br/>“What was that for?”, he hissed.<br/>“The sarcasm.”<br/>“This is my bed. I get to be sarcastic as long as I want.”<br/>“Yeah, right.”, she snuggled closer into the blankets, taking in the wonderful smell. It was quite nice to be surrounded by the smell of someone else like this. Wait. “You changed the bedsheets.”<br/>“Uh, yeah. So?”<br/>“They smell different.”<br/>“I know. You said the old ones stank.”<br/>“Well, they did.”<br/>“Hence the change.”<br/>“Ah. Hm. Would you have changed them if I wouldn’t have come over?”<br/>“I don’t know.”<br/>“Then thanks. Again.”<br/>“Can I ask something now?”<br/>“Always.”<br/>“Very different topic. But I’ve wondered about that for a while.”<br/>“Go ahead.”<br/>“What would you have done if Joe had told you right away?”<br/>“I – Hardy, I told you, I don’t wanna talk about him.”<br/>“Gotta talk with someone. Might as well be me.”<br/>“Or not.”<br/>“See, the good thing with me is: who would I have to tell it to? Claire? Lee Ashworth?”<br/>“Funny. And sadly true.”<br/>“So tell me.”<br/>“I don’t know. I like to think I would’ve just arrested him according to protocol but who knows?”<br/>“I think I would've killed him.”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Just a guess. I don’t think I could’ve dealt with it. It’s impressive that you can. Genuinely impressive. I couldn’t. So either him or me. But then again…that choice would’ve been me.”<br/>“What do you mean ‘him or you’?”<br/>“Dead. One of us would’ve had to snuff it.”<br/>“…seriously?”<br/>“Probably.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“It’s the easier thing. Would save me from the shame of being in love or having been in love with a murderer. And it would stop the pain. Which is a good plus.”<br/>“What pain?”<br/>“Just pain.”<br/>“From your heart?"<br/>“Among other things. There’s always some sort of pain. Today, tomorrow, yesterday. While running, while sleeping, while working, while lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. There’s always pain.”<br/>“Even now?”<br/>“Doesn’t matter.”<br/>“It does.”<br/>“Not to you.”<br/>“Come on.”, she rolled onto her other shoulder, putting a hand on his arm. She was expecting him to swat it away, but he didn't. Just stayed there. “Are you alright?”<br/>He didn’t answer.<br/>“Alec?”<br/>He put his hand on hers.<br/>“Alec. Are you alright?”<br/>“Stop calling me Alec. That name is reserved.”<br/>“For?”<br/>“Not you.”<br/>“Screw you.”<br/>“Why don’t you let go of me then?”<br/>“Because you’re holding my hand.”<br/>He paused for a moment. “I am, aren’t I?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“Is that alright?”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>“Okay.”<br/>Silence. Ellie was trying to find some words, something else to ask him while staring at the vague shapes of their hands on his arm. His hand was warm. It was nice. It was good.<br/>“Tell me about your daughter.”, Ellie said when she couldn’t think of another topic. <br/>“No.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“I don’t know much about her anyway.”<br/>“What do you remember?”<br/>“I remember her telling me she hates me and meaning it for the first time.”<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>He snorted. “You’re not. You can’t be unless you know the feeling.”<br/>“You’re acting like you’re the only person in the world who has ever been through shit. My husband is a paedophilic murderer. Don’t tell me I don't know pain!”, she ripped her hand away from his, turning her back towards him again.<br/>Silence.<br/>Then Alec moved. He turned around now too, towards Ellie. His hand touched her shoulder for a moment. The fraction of a second. Ellie held her breath.<br/>“He’s a dick. But you probably already knew that.”<br/>Ellie shook her head, tears burning in her eyes now. “No…”, she whispered.<br/>He noticed. “Did I offend you?”<br/>“Shut up! Just shut up for fuck’s sake!”, she hissed, the tears now rolling down her cheeks. “You’re a cunt.”<br/>“What did I do now?”<br/>“You just found the spot is what you did.”<br/>“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about and I'm pretty sure you're crying into my pillow.”<br/>She tried to kick him, but her foot got tangled up in the blanket before she could reach him. “I hate you.”, she said. “You and your stupid I-can’t-let-anyone-get-close-so-I-have-to-be-rude-all-the-time attitude. I hate you so fucking much.”<br/>“I really hit a nerve, didn’t I?”<br/>“Shut up. God, this is terrible, and your mattress is way too hard.”<br/>“Came with the place. And you don’t have to stay here, you’re free to leave.”<br/>“Get a better bed.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“And some water-resistant pillows.”<br/>“I didn’t mean to make you cry.”<br/>“I thought you of all people would enjoy watching me have a breakdown.”<br/>“I’m too busy wondering why you’re having one in the first place.”<br/>Ellie chewed on her lip for a moment. “If I told you, chances are it would only make it worse.”<br/>“Thanks for the heads up.”<br/>“You wouldn’t mind me sobbing into your pillow some more?”<br/>“I won’t comfort you. You know that. I’m just curious.”<br/>“Are you?”<br/>“Well, it’s better than listening to you snore.”<br/>She hit him against the chest.<br/>“Ouch!”, she could hear him shift and clutch his chest. And again, she held her breath. “Ouch…”, then he sat up.<br/>“Hardy –”<br/>“I’m not leaving, don’t worry. Well, actually do worry. Do that again and I’ll fight back.”, he stretched his arm until a quiet crack came from his shoulder. Then he slipped his legs under the blanket and Ellie shivered a little when his cold feet touched hers.<br/>He was closer to her than before. She could see the contours of his face in the dark. <br/>“Alright.”, he rolled onto his shoulder, looking at her. “Let’s try this again: what nerve did I hit?”<br/>“You said I already knew that Joe is a dick. Which is wrong. I always thought he was the sweetest and best man in the world. But apparently I didn’t know shit about him.”<br/>“In your defence: He did trick me too.”<br/>“It’s just so wrong. All of it. How can you be so irrevocably wrong about someone?”<br/>“It’s just what people are. Liars, criminals. You're lucky if you find one who never did anything wrong.”<br/>“Must be fun to be you.”<br/>“At least I’m not in jail. That’s fun.”<br/>“Did you ever do anything wrong?”<br/>“Worst cop in Britain, remember?”<br/>“But they thought you had sabotaged two murder investigations – which you hadn’t.”<br/>“Same difference.”<br/>“So did you ever do anything really bad?”<br/>“Doesn’t matter.”<br/>“You’re dodging.”<br/>“Of course I am.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“Why would you even want to know?”<br/>“Because I don’t know who I can trust lately. Everybody lies.”<br/>“Right, because that correlates to a clean criminal record.”<br/>“Criminal record? You have a criminal record?”<br/>“I didn’t say that. You’re insinuating it.”<br/>“I asked if you’ve done something bad from your own perspective. Not if you’ve broken the law.”<br/>“Everybody’s done something they think is bad.”<br/>“Then tell me what you did.”<br/>“I almost got arrested for punching some bloke. Nothing big.”<br/>“You? In a fight? Even I would win against you.”<br/>“No, you wouldn’t.”<br/>“Look at yourself. I could snap you in half with two fingers.”<br/>He just sighed as an answer. <br/>“Why did you punch him?”<br/>“I was picking up Tess from a party. She had lost her wallet and called me. It was supposed to be a ladies’ night at some club, but she felt out of place and was too drunk to walk home. I arrived and saw this guy just go and grab my then girlfriend’s bum and pull her against him. I snapped and punched him. Repeatedly. But don't get me wrong, he fought back. It was quite funny actually because the argument ‘I’m a cop.’ keeps drunk and high bystanders from interfering. Tess told me to stop, tried pulling me back. She's stronger than you’d expect. Managed to drag me away.”<br/>“But that’s not even bad. You were defending your girlfriend from a jerk.”<br/>“I broke the guy’s jaw.”<br/>“Wow. Impressive.”<br/>“My hand was covered in more of my blood than his, I think. I couldn’t move it for weeks.”<br/>“When was that?”<br/>“Twenty years ago. Approximately. Almost lost my job for it but Tess put in a good word for me and the guy didn’t press charges.”<br/>“So was it worth it?”<br/>“No. She’s a cop, she could’ve defended herself. And there was no need for violence anyway. My brain just short-circuited. What bothers me the most is that I know I’d do it again if I ever saw someone molesting her. Or Daisy. If I saw someone touch Daisy, I’d definitely crack.”<br/>“Good. I like that. And it helps my point.”<br/>“What point? I just told you I beat up someone. You shouldn’t trust me. I’m helping my own point.”<br/>“That’s not the point I mean.”<br/>“What point would that be then?”<br/>“You’re a good man. Or at least you try to be. You’re protective. You probably care more than you want people to know. That’s wonderful. A lot of people could use someone who’ll keep them safe. Someone who’ll do whatever’s necessary even if it’s at their own detriment.”<br/>He scoffed.<br/>“Come on. You know it’s true. You have a good heart. Metaphorically, not literally.”<br/>Alec didn’t answer, just pushed himself up, leaving the bed.<br/>“Hey!”, Ellie grabbed his arm.<br/>He spun around, forcefully pushing her hand away. “Don’t touch me!”<br/>“What is the matter with you? Are you pregnant or why are you so moody?”<br/>“Why are you telling me that?”<br/>“Because it’s true.”<br/>“No, it’s not. Shut up!”<br/>“What is your problem?”<br/>“I don’t know! I don’t fucking know! I never know what to do and everything I do ends up being wrong or putting people I care about in danger. And now you’re telling me it’s okay because what – because I’m ‘trying’? It’s not okay. I know you think it is, but it’s not. It never is and it never will be. It’s pain. Nothing but pain. I bring pain and in return I get pain. It’s always like that. There is no such thing as inherently good people. There are just people trying to numb the pain in order to feel better about themselves. Because really, the only consequences I would have if I didn’t intervene or ‘try to be good’ is ma own fucking pain. The world is pain, life itself is pain. It doesnae matter. Nothin’ matters. Nothin’ changes. Ye canny save the world; ye canny even save yersel! Yer life has come to just as much of a pretty pass as mine. We’re both in some deep fuckin’ waters that we canny git oot aff. That’s why ye’re trying tae find someone who is pure an’ good an’ now ye’re projecting that on me. Bit I’m nae that person. I will ne’er be. Nobody will, Miller. I wish the same thing, honestly. Just tae hae someone who will make all the pain gae away. But that’s nae how it works. It’s a dream, an illusion. People urr ne’er gaun tae no’ be bad. They're ne’er gaun tae stop lying an’ betraying ye. It's what they urr. It’s what I am. An’ I'm sorry. I really am. But it's the truth an’ what ye’re expecting fae this world is just ridiculous. Nobody will be able tae meet those standards. Gae ahead an’ call me a cynic. Dae whitever ye want bit it’s true. An’ ye know that. That’s why yer here. Yer tryin’ tae convince yersel tis nae.”<br/>Ellie just stared at him, unable to say anything. He shook his head and walked out of the room. Ellie lay there, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened before she climbed out of bed and followed him. She found him sitting on the wall that divided the canal from the shore. “Are you okay?”, she asked carefully, stopping next to him.<br/>He nodded.<br/>She did too, but more to herself. Wrapping her arms around herself, she looked up to the dark sky. “Pretty damn cold.”<br/>A beat. <br/>“Don’t you wanna come back inside?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Why not?”<br/>Another beat. <br/>He didn’t seem to be willing to move, so Ellie joined him on the wall instead, sitting down right next to him.<br/>“Do you wanna talk about it?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Okay. Well, if you chan –”<br/>“Thanks.”<br/>“…you’re welcome.”, she eyed him up before reaching over and putting her hand on his arm, just above the wrist. Alec just looked her hand, not moving in any other way.<br/>“Do you really believe that?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“That there are no good people.”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“That sounds depressing.”<br/>“It is.”<br/>“Can you please just not sit on this wall right now? I know it’s silly, but it just worries me.”<br/>“You think I’ll drown myself?”<br/>“No. It just…you could fall.”<br/>“You think I’ll drown myself.”, he chuckled darkly. “Brilliant.” But either way, he drew back his arm from her and turned around, scrambling from the wall back into his front yard.<br/>“Thanks.”, Ellie followed his example.<br/>He nodded.<br/>They stood there uncertain for a while until Alec just sat down on the ground, sitting about a meter in front of the wall now.<br/>Ellie looked down on him. “Can I sit with you?”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>She sat right next to him, close enough for their legs to touch. A little bit of warmth in the coldness. <br/>She smiled. “We should do this more often.”<br/>“We really shouldn’t.”<br/>“What? Why not?”<br/>“It’s exhausting.”<br/>“Yeah, that was quite the passionate…speech.”<br/>“Hm.”<br/>“It’s interesting. You know, discovering what’s actually going on inside your head.”<br/>“Mh.”<br/>“It’s hard to believe that you feel that deeply, somehow.”<br/>He didn't respond. Not that his previous answers had been conversational. <br/>“Thanks for the insight. Even if I don’t understand it quite yet.”<br/>“Thanks for still being here.”<br/>That caught her off guard. “Do you mean that?”<br/>“Did you not listen to what I just said?”<br/>“Oh. Wow. Well, any time. If you ever need someone to talk to, you got my number.”<br/>“You know that’s not gonna happen.”<br/>“Probably not, yeah.”<br/>He sighed. “Never mind, let’s go back inside. I’m freezing.”<br/>“Me too.” And so they got up and Alec held the door open for her, then locked it as Ellie slipped back into bed. She was surprised how comfortable she felt in his room. How accustomed to it she was after such a short amount of time. It almost freaked her out. Maybe she really was becoming more gullible. <br/>Alec lay next to her, but there was an empty space between them now. His back was turned to her and neither of them said a single word. She didn’t know what to say. How to not ruin the moment again. She could hear the water move outside. She could hear the low hum of the old fridge. She could hear Alec’s steady breathing. Subconsciously, her breath synched up with his. <br/>She tried to think of something to say. Something normal. Uncontroversial. Just banter. But there was nothing. The only questions on her mind were heavy. Questions she knew he didn’t want to answer. <br/>After a while, she started to think he had fallen asleep. She shifted a little; her foot brushed against his ankle. No reaction. <br/>“Alec.”, she whispered into the darkness.<br/>“Stop it. Stop saying that.”<br/>Well, at least he was awake. <br/>“Why won’t you let anybody call you by your first name?”<br/>“Because I hate it.”<br/>“Really? Then why can Claire call you Alec?”<br/>He once again didn’t answer.<br/>“You can’t just ignore the question if you don’t like it.”<br/>“Aye, I can. Watch me.”<br/>“You could just answer.”<br/>“Or not.”<br/>“And why not?”<br/>“Because I don’t want to.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“Because I shouldn’t.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“She’s my friend too now. I’m positive she wouldn’t mind.”<br/>He moved around a little, seemingly still struggling whether to tell it or not. “I’ve spent a lot of time with her. Alone. When she didn’t have anyone else.”<br/>She chewed on her lip for a bit. “Did you ever have sex with her?”<br/>“Let’s not talk about my sex life while we’re in my bed, aye?”<br/>“I think that’s the perfect place for it.”<br/>“It’s really not.”<br/>“Wow, you’re really dodging, hm?”<br/>“I don’t see why it is relevant to you.”<br/>“Claire’s my friend, you’re…my ex-boss. I think I should know.”<br/>He made a pause, inevitably giving the words more weight. “No. Well –”, he audibly held his breath. “No. Just no.”<br/>“That is clearly not the entire story.”<br/>“Might not be. But I can’t tell you.”<br/>“She doesn’t seem to have good taste in men anyway.”<br/>“I can’t judge that.”<br/>“I can. Lee’s a twat. That guy she picked up at the pub was a twat. You’re a twat.”<br/>“Didn’t you just call me an array of positive things ten minutes ago?”<br/>“Just means you’re both a good person and a twat.”<br/>“Or maybe you’re just wrong.”<br/>“You think you’re so clever, don’t you?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Do you even listen to yourself sometimes?”<br/>“What’s that supposed to mean?”<br/>“Sometimes you just happen not to be an arsehole and I guess that that happened with Claire too when she needed someone around, so she let her guard down and it stuck. Am I close?”<br/>“Whatever you wanna believe.”<br/>“Great. Then let’s leave it to that.”<br/>“Yes. Let’s.”<br/>“Good.”<br/>“Good.” <br/>The mixture of pride and annoyance in his voice stirred a memory. One she would rather not remember right now. She didn’t want to think about kissing him while they were here. It didn’t seem right. It seemed…impure. <br/>She swallowed hard in the silent dark. All she heard was his calm breathing.<br/>“Do you wanna go to sleep?”, she said after a while.  <br/>She didn’t get an answer. No reaction at all. He was either asleep or pretending to be asleep. Ellie was quite certain it was the latter, but she didn’t have the strength to call him out on it right now. She was knackered herself, so she just snuggled into the blanket and closed her eyes. She could still hear his breath. It was comforting, in a way.</p>
<p>When Ellie woke up the next morning, Alec was gone. She sat up, looking around the room. What a cunt. Deeply annoyed, she got out of bed and walked into the kitchen, the bathroom, out into the garden, but he was nowhere to be seen. She was just about to call him when her phone rang.<br/>“Yes?”<br/>“…Alec?”<br/>“No?”<br/>“Ellie?”, so that was Claire.<br/>“Uh, yes?”<br/>“What are you doing with Alec’s phone?”, so this wasn’t her phone.<br/>“He must’ve left it.”<br/>“Ah. This early and already working? Wow. Can you tell him to call me back when you see him? Or just tell him to come over.”<br/>“I’ll tell him. Or do you want me to come over right away, if it’s urgent?”<br/>“No, no. It’s fine. I can wait.”<br/>“Good. We’ll come around when he’s back.”<br/>“Alright, thanks. Bye.”<br/>“Bye.”<br/>She hung up and looked at the phone for a moment. So, he had run off and was not reachable. <br/>It felt like a personal insult.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The next two chapters are a bit over the top. Just stick with me, it gets better. Promise.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec woke up to a banging in his head. Groaning, he opened his eyes and looked around – or rather he looked right into Lee’s face. <br/>“Morning, sunshine.”<br/>“Shit.”, Alec flinched, trying to sit up while moving away from Lee. <br/>“Relax. I was just making sure you were still breathing. Been out for a while, I was getting worried.”<br/>Alec’s eyes quickly scanned the room. This was a remodelled van. A makeshift bed and low shelf. Tools. <br/>Slowly, his brain caught up, bringing back the memories. The bitter taste of his bottled water. The cold of the tiled kitchen floor against his face. The pain everywhere. <br/>“Feeling alright?”, Lee said. <br/>“What are you doing?”<br/>“Checking on you but you’re not answering.”<br/>“What did you give me?”<br/>“Just something to send you asleep for a while.”<br/>“Incapacitated, you mean.”<br/>“Essentially, yeah.”<br/>“What was it?”<br/>“Does it matter?”<br/>Alec stared at him, waiting. <br/>Lee sighed. “I need to talk to you.”<br/>“Talk?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Where are we?”<br/>“You don’t need to know. Actually, that’s the point of me bringing you here. I needed to make sure you won’t try to leave.”<br/>Alec scoffed, scrambled to his feet, and stumbled to the door. It took some effort to open it but soon he could jump out and his feet touched grass. <br/>He looked around. Nothing but grass. A few trees here and there but other than that, just a plain view of some grassy hills. <br/>Lee appeared at his side. “It’s quite nice here, actually. Don’t you agree?”<br/>“Where are we?”<br/>“Just out. Very far out. Miles from the next village – and I’m telling you that so you don’t try and walk there with that damaged heart of yours. You wouldn’t even make it halfway.”<br/>Alec glared at him, feeling helpless. Lee shrugged, as if so say ‘Nothing to do here’ and stretched his arms casually. <br/>“What do you want from me?”, Alec said dryly. <br/>“I told you: Talk. I need your help.”<br/>“I don’t want to help you.”<br/>“You’re a policeman. It’s your job to help people.”<br/>“Go through the designated channels if you think you need the police. But leave me alone.”<br/>“No, it’s about Sandbrook.”<br/>Alec groaned. “What now?”<br/>“I need you to look through the evidence I’ve given you. Properly look at it. I’ll explain everything to you. I have all the stuff in the van.”<br/>Lee looked at him, pleading. <br/>“Do you really think I’ll help you if you kidnap me?”<br/>“You never listen to me; I had no choice!”<br/>“Let me do my job. Stay out of my way.”<br/>“No.”, Lee grabbed his arm, dragging him back into the van. “You will look at my work and you’ll catch the real killer and then I can get my life back.”<br/>“Or what?”<br/>“Or you’ll be spending a lot of time with me from now on until you change your mind.”<br/>Alec shook his head. “Fine, what’s this revolutionary evidence that you think has elapsed my scope all this time?”<br/>Lee reached around and grabbed a folder from the passenger seat. Quickly, he opened it and pulled out the top pages. “Here. The complete guest list from the party. I talked to almost everyone and nobody could confirm that Ricky was there all night.”<br/>“We already know that. There’s one person who can attest for his whereabouts though after he left the party and that’s all we need.”<br/>“What? Who?”<br/>“Can’t tell you that. But they’re credible.”<br/>Lee scoffed. “Fine. Then about the lad whom I sold the car to. The one you say you found Pippa’s pendant in. He’s really sketchy, I tell you.”, he pulled out more pages, but Alec pushed his hand away, not bothering to look at them. <br/>“It doesn’t matter. The pendant had your fingerprints on it. The buyer doesn’t – is this all going to be such thin-layered shite that I’ll refute without even having to read the thing?”<br/>“Oy, watch it!”, Lee grabbed him by the lapels, pulling him up a little, which brought their faces together.<br/>“Git yer dirty hands off me an’ stop breathing on ma face.”, Alec shoved him against the chest but Lee barely budged. Instead, he gave Alec a shove, sending him crashing against the van’s wall with a deep thud. Alec groaned. His shoulder hurt. <br/>“Shit…”<br/>“Don’t test my patience.”, Lee said.<br/>Alec shot him a cold look. “And you better not waste my time anymore.”<br/>“You are so stubborn. How have you ever solved a case in your entire life if you ignore all the evidence?”<br/>“This isn’t evidence!”<br/>“It is! If you just put the pieces together you –”<br/>“You nothing. Leave me alone. I’ll let you know if I need to question you again.”<br/>“No.”, Lee said firmly. <br/>“Bring me home.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“What else are you going do then?”<br/>“Wait.”<br/>“Wait for a fucking miracle then, I’m not wasting another minute on your stupid folder.”<br/>“Fine. I’ll do some work then. You can do whatever you want.”<br/>“What does that mean?”<br/>“If means you’re free to go as you please. But remember that we’re way away from civilisation.”<br/>Alec started at him, not sure what else to say. Lee shrugged. “Suit yourself.”<br/>He opened up a box in the corner of the van and pulled out some half-finished contraption that Alec couldn’t quite place. Then he reached for his toolbox and climbed out of the van. Alec looked after him in disbelief. He really was just going to work. And Alec himself had nothing better to do than sit and watch him. Lee probably assumed Alec would cave and give him the time of day, but he had been right: Alec was stubborn. Too stubborn to deal with this shit. And with that stubbornness came patience to prove himself right. <br/>Alec swallowed hard, trying to ignore how uncomfortable he was. And how dizzy. He hadn’t taken any of his meds since before noon. It was a morbid idea, but it may actually be his best chance: If he kept this up, his heart would collapse within the next day. And bastard or not, Alec was certain that Lee wouldn’t just let him die. Almost certain at least. </p><p>When Alec woke up in the van the second time around, it was moving. His head kept banging against the ground at even the slightest bumps in the road. Stumbling, he got on his knees and looked to the front of the van.<br/>“Lee.”, he said as loudly as his sore throat would allow him. <br/>Lee turned his head for a moment. “Thank god, you're not dead.”<br/>“Where are you going?”<br/>“Hospital. You passed out. In case you don't remember.”<br/>“No, don't. Just…just bring me home. I’ll be fine. I just ran out of pills and left the new pack home.”<br/>That was a lie. He had about half a pack in his pocket, but Lee didn't need to know about that.<br/>“Are you sure?”<br/>“Actually, bring me to Claire. She can make sure I don't die just fine.”<br/>Lee shot him a look through the rear-view mirror. “Claire?”<br/>“Nobody has to know about this. If you bring me anywhere else than the cottage, people will know, and I’ll have to take proper legal actions. I won't if you just bring me to Claire and piss off.”<br/>“I thought you need your meds.”<br/>“Not urgently.”<br/>“You just passed out.”<br/>“I’ll get Claire to –”, he made a vague gesture, unable to find words in the mush that was his brain. “get me the things. Just do it.”<br/>Lee seemed to be arguing with himself, his jaw clenched as he pondered for a while. But ultimately, he caved. <br/>A nod. “Fine.”<br/>Alec sighed in relief and leaned against the wall, ignoring the fact that he could still have a heart attack or even just die in a car crash like this, and instead hoping he could get away from all this bullshit soon. And from the disaster that was waiting for him at home. And at work. </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A knock on the door. Claire opened it, expecting to see Alec but in fact it was Lee.<br/>“What are you doing here?”, she hissed, taking a step back.<br/>“I need your help.”<br/>“What makes you think I’ll help you?”<br/>“I’ll make it up to you.”<br/>She gritted her teeth, unsure. He gave her a soft smile. “Please.”<br/>“What do you need help with?”, she folded her arms over her chest.<br/>“It’s about Hardy.”<br/>“What about him?”<br/>“He passed out.” <br/>Claire’s face fell. “Where?”<br/>Lee motioned for her to follow and hurried away. Claire ran after him, her mind racing. When she got closer to the van, she could see the shape of Alec, sprawled out across the floor of Lee’s open van. <br/>“What happened?”, she climbed in and kneeled next to Alec, Lee on his other side.<br/>“He forgot his meds.”<br/>“Meds?”<br/>“He’s got a heart condition. Didn’t you know?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“I don’t have the time to explain his medical history to you right now. Please just trust me this once.”<br/>She nodded, unable to think too critically about any of this at the moment. Carefully, she shook Alec’s shoulder. “Alec? You with us?”<br/>Alec did move his head a little, his eyes pressing shut a little more tightly. <br/>“Get him some water.”, Claire said.<br/>Lee nodded, got up again and disappeared into the cottage.<br/>Claire shook Alec again. “Come on, wake up. I know you’re in there.”<br/>He stirred. Slowly, Alec opened his eyes and looked at her. <br/>“Hello, Mr.”<br/>He groaned. <br/>“Should I call 999?”<br/>“No!” That woke him up quite a bit. “No. Absolutely not.” He reached into his pocket, fumbling with a pack of pills. With shaky hands, he popped two of them into his hand, dropped them promptly, took three attempts to pick them up again and finally swallowed both dry.<br/>A long exhale followed.<br/>“Lee said you ran out of meds.”<br/>“I didn’t. Don’t tell him. I needed to get away from him.”<br/>Claire frowned but already, Lee was back, a glass of water in hand. Alec tried to reach for it, but his arm didn’t seem to be under his control, he could barely hold it up. <br/>“Jesus, you’re fucked.”, Claire grabbed his arm and draped it over his chest, then helped him sit up and let him lean on her as he took the glass in both hands and drained it in one go.<br/>“Lee, you have some explaining to do.”, Claire said sharply, running her hand up and down Alec’s arm for comfort. Likely more her comfort than his but either way, comfort. <br/>“Why is he here?”<br/>“I was showing him some stuff.”<br/>“After knocking me out and taking me god knows where so I couldn’t leave.”<br/>Claire looked at Lee. “Is that true?”<br/>“I’m just helping the case. Helping him solve it so we can live normally again.”<br/>“How is this helping the case?”<br/>“I’m talking him through the new evidence I found.”<br/>“It’s not evidence.”, Alec muttered. <br/>“It is!”, Lee hissed. “If you just <em>listened</em> –”<br/>“Shut up.”<br/>“Lee”, Claire chimed in. “shut up for a second.”<br/>Lee frowned, clearly not wanting to comply but he did stay silent.<br/>Claire turned to Alec. “How long have you been with Lee?”<br/>“What time is it?”<br/>“Almost eight.”<br/>“Just over twenty hours.”<br/>Claire’s mouth fell open. “That’s almost an entire day. My god…Lee!”<br/>Lee didn’t say anything, looking almost sulky now.<br/>“You held Alec in your van for a whole day? Are you insane?”<br/>“It’s his own fault. We could have been done in an hour, but he keeps arguing.”<br/>“Because what you’re saying is horseshit!”, Alec chimed in. <br/>“It’s not, you fucking –”, Lee stopped himself just in time. “It’s not.”<br/>“I want to go home, Lee. Let me leave.”<br/>“I don’t care if I have to keep you here for a fucking month. You’re going to solve this case right now.”<br/>“Not going to happen. You dimwit already committed several crimes just getting this so-called evidence and if I listen to your bullshit – which I’m not interested in – that falls on me. Unless I ask you something, the best thing you can do for this case is stay away from me and keep your grubby, dirty hands out of my business and stop wasting my time that I could be spending actually doing some work – be it related to the case or not.”<br/>Lee was fuming and Claire could see it. She looked from Lee to Alec and back, hoping one of them would stop being so stubborn and just give in. <br/>“You are nothing.”, Lee spat. “You have no other case to take care of because you’re not even on active duty. You’re wasting my time that I could be spending with my wife. I know you don’t have one anymore but some of us are not inept and would like to sleep with the person they love again.”<br/>Claire swallowed hard, she felt Alec’s burning gaze on her. <br/>“You’ve already done that, so clearly, I’m not stopping you from anything.”<br/>“Alec…”, Claire muttered. She met his eyes. He leaned closer. <br/>“You know what you did. Don’t look at me like that.”<br/>“I know it must be riveting for you to snoop around other people’s sex lives because you have none but you’re not going to shame me for –”<br/>“For having sex with the man you told me you needed protection from?”<br/>Claire scoffed. <br/>“Stop pissing off my wife.”, Lee chimed in. He grabbed Alec by the lapel. “You better stay away from her anyway.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Just do your fucking job and then leave us alone, okay, monkey?”, he gave Alec a hearty shove which sent him back down on the ground. <br/>“You killed two girls, Lee. And your wife was so scared after you got acquitted that she begged me to help her.”<br/>“Alec, don’t.”, Claire grabbed his arm. <br/>“Don’t touch him.”, Lee told her. <br/>“I’ll do as I fucking please.”, she snapped back and put her hand on Alec’s chest, grabbing his shirt. Alec lifted his hand, but Lee was quicker, he took Claire by the wrists and pinned them against the van’s wall. Claire gasped, staring at Lee. He was so angry. And God, he was attractive when he was angry. If it wasn’t for Alec being here too, she would’ve had him take her right now. <br/>“Did you fuck him? Hm? Like the whore you are?”<br/>“Get off her!”, Alec pulled on Lee’s arms, trying to get them away from Claire but after barely a second, Lee let her go by himself. Only when he did turn to Alec, it was to take a swing and punch him in the face. <br/>Alec groaned, losing balance, but he was already on his knees, so he didn’t really fall, just crashed his shoulder into the low shelf. Claire stared at him in shock. Lee didn’t see the point to stop though, he jabbed at him again, then he was atop of him, always aiming for his face. Alec tried to protect himself with his arms, but he was too weak to keep it up for long. <br/>When she saw blood, Claire finally snapped out of it, stood up as much as she could in the van and grabbed Lee from behind with both arms, putting all her strength into getting him off of Alec. Lee gave her a shove, but it wasn’t well aimed, and she instead sort of fell onto him. He moved away and she was at Alec’s side. Quickly, she grabbed his arm and pulled him with her. <br/>He barely reacted for a moment; his eyes unfocused. Claire shot one last look at Lee, then she dragged Alec out of the van with her, an arm around his waist to make sure he wouldn’t fall. <br/>She snuck a glance at him. His nose was bleeding, his eye red and the skin already starting to bruise. <br/>Unwittingly, a thought made its way into her mind. It had been forever since she’d last been so close to him. She could hear the shakiness in his breath. She could feel his body’s heat. And she could see a vein on his neck pulse in time with his erratic heartbeat. <br/>She knew he was in pain, but she couldn’t really focus on it. Too distracted by his proximity. She slowed down her steps, dragging out the time until they reached her living room and she manoeuvred him onto the couch. <br/>“My keys.”, Alec muttered. “He’s got my keys.”<br/>Claire eyed him up for another moment, then she hurried back to the van. <br/>“Alec’s keys.”, she said. Lee sat on the floor, panting. Alec’s blood was on his knuckles. <br/>“Keys!”<br/>He lifted his head, then reached for his toolbox and rummaged around in it. He tossed her the keys. <br/>“Anything else of his?”<br/>He shook his head. <br/>“Alright. Bye, Lee.”<br/>She hurried off before he could try anything and closed the front door, even locking it. She dropped the keys into Alec’s lap, but he barely reacted. <br/>“You still alive, love?”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Should I’ll call you an ambulance?”<br/>“Don’t.”<br/>“You need help.”<br/>“I’ll be fine.”<br/>Claire shook her head. She couldn’t get herself to look at him. It was unsettling. <br/>“Sorry.”, she said.<br/>“Not your fault.”<br/>“Still. He can be so stupid.”<br/>“Has he ever hit you?”<br/>“No.”, it was a lie but just a small one. Alec didn’t need to know. <br/>“Hm.”, she saw him turn his head towards her.<br/>“Why did you pass out?”<br/>“Because I didn’t take my meds.”<br/>“Despite having them on you.”<br/>“It was the only way I could think of to get Lee to bring me here.”<br/>“Why didn’t you just call? I would’ve gotten you out.”<br/>“Don’t have my phone.”<br/>“Did Lee take it?”<br/>“I don’t think so. Just left it home when I headed out yesterday morning.”<br/>“Right.”<br/>Silence. <br/>“I’m not leaving you alone, just to be clear. You’re staying here.”<br/>Alec scoffed. “Oh, how the tables have turned.”<br/>“It’s not funny.”<br/>“No? Ah.”<br/>“And you’re not leaving until I say you’re good to leave.”<br/>“You sound like Lee.”<br/>“Don’t be stupid. You know you can leave anytime but I really don’t think you should.”<br/>“We’ll see.”<br/>“I’m serious.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>„Should I call Ellie?”<br/>“No!”, he groaned. “Leave her out of this.”<br/>“Why? She’s probably worried about you.”<br/>He made a dismissive gesture. “What she doesn’t know can’t worry her.”<br/>Claire sighed. He was too stubborn and she too exhausted. “Your choice.”<br/>“Exactly.”, he leaned forward a little, pulled his shirt out of his pants and wiped his face on it. The shirt was already bloody, so it didn’t make much of a difference. <br/>Silently, Claire shook her head.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh. Look who’s back.”, Ellie said when she saw Alec walk past her in the lobby of the courthouse.<br/>“Not in the mood, Miller.”, he grumbled, not even looking at her.<br/>“Me neither.”, she quickly got up and followed him. He groaned in annoyance as he noticed. She grabbed his elbow, pulling him with her into an unoccupied corner. Only then did she turn to him. Her jaw dropped. “What happened to your face?”<br/>“It’s nothing.”, he shook his head.<br/>“Nothing?” There was a huge dark bruise around his left eye.<br/>“I got into a fight at a pub. Doesn’t matter.”<br/>“Really? And did you spend the last three days there too?”<br/>“I was sick.”<br/>She gave him a look. “Are you kidding me?”<br/>“What, I can’t get sick?”<br/>“Where were you?”<br/>“Doesn’t matter.”<br/>“It does. You even left your phone.”<br/>“Must have forgotten it.”<br/>“And you didn’t notice?”<br/>“I didn’t care.”<br/>“You didn’t leave a notice for anyone, you just vanished.”<br/>“I’m back now, am I not?”<br/>“Do you not care about the trial anymore?”<br/>“I’ve given my evidence. Doesn’t matter whether I’m there everyday now or not, I can’t change the outcome.”<br/>“That’s not the point and you know it.”<br/>“Oh yeah? Then what is the point?”<br/>“Showing respect to the Latimers. Being decent.”<br/>He shook his head, moving to walk away but she pushed him back.<br/>“I’m serious. You can’t just disappear like that, Hardy!”<br/>“I’m not going to apologise to you. Now get out of the way.”<br/>“No. I won’t. Why didn’t you say anything? You just left.”<br/>“Get to work, Miller.”<br/>“Is it because of our night together?”<br/>Alec glared at her. “Don’t talk about that in such a public place. And no. And don’t call it that, Jesus…”<br/>“It’s what it is.”<br/>“No. And I don’t wanna talk about it.”<br/>“Fine. Just be grumpy shitface on your own again. But don’t come to me when you suddenly need help.” And with that, Ellie stormed off. It only took a few minutes until Alec walked up to the table where Ellie was staring into a too-hot cuppa.<br/>“What?”, Ellie grumbled.<br/>“Did you take my phone? It wasn’t there when I was home this morning.”<br/>Ellie scoffed, reached into her purse and retrieved the phone from it. <br/>“Thanks.”, he didn't leave again, though. Just stood there sort of awkwardly. Ellie was amazed once again by just how awkward he really was. <br/>“Do you want something?”, she asked sourly. <br/>“Uhm…look, I…”, he looked away, scratching the back of his head. It was hard to hold back a grin. He was really uncomfortable. Probably because they were in the middle of the courthouse lobby. Surrounded by a good two dozen people right now. <br/>“Yes?”<br/>“I…”, he bit his tongue, stared at the table. “I’m sorry, okay?”<br/>“What? Sorry, I didn’t get that. Could you say it again?”<br/>“Piss off. You know exactly what I said.”<br/>“And what are you apologising for?”<br/>Instead of actually answering, his hand moved to hers. His fingertips brushed over the back of her hand. A shiver went down her spine. Ellie held her breath, her eyes wandering up to his face. But he just nicked the cup from her hand and turned around, heading into the court room even though the trial hadn’t started yet for the day. Ellie looked at her hand, trying to figure out what to make of his behaviour. She came up blank. </p><p>“Hardy?”, Ellie walked up to him as everyone left the courthouse. <br/>“Hm?”, he looked at her over his shoulder. <br/>“You owe me a coffee now.”<br/>“Do I? That’s news.”<br/>“For the cup you stole earlier.”<br/>“That was tea.”<br/>“Yes, and now I want coffee.”<br/>Hardy sighed and stopped walking to look at her. “Fine. Nearest shop?”<br/>They headed down the block in silence while Ellie pondered how to approach the topic again without him getting snappish or evasive. She watched his hands closely as he paid for the coffee and brought it over to where she was waiting by the door. She didn’t know what exactly she was looking for but couldn’t tear her eyes away. <br/>“Thanks.”, she said while taking the cup. He purposefully held the cup in a way that their fingers wouldn’t touch when he handed it over.<br/>“So…”, Ellie said carefully, as they walked outside again, heading for the parked cars. “Are you sure you're fine?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“You don’t look fine.”<br/>“Never do, if your words are anything to go by.”<br/>“Come on…”, she murmured, looking up at him. <br/>He didn’t bother turning around. In fact, Ellie had a feeling he was walking faster than usually. “I said I’m fine.”<br/>“Then tell me the truth. Where were you?”<br/>Alec didn’t respond, just crossed the street and stopped by Ellie’s car. Of course he knew where she’d parked. Why wouldn’t he?<br/>“Need a ride?”, she pulled open the passenger door for him.<br/>He shook his head. “I’ll get a cab.”<br/>“Just get in. Don’t make a scene.”<br/>He sighed deeply. The annoyance he managed to convey was astonishing at times. Still, he dropped himself on the passenger seat and Ellie sat behind the wheel. The sudden silence was eery. <br/>“Why are you lying to me?”, Ellie said calmly, blowing on her coffee. <br/>“Why would you think I’m lying?”, he stared straight ahead.<br/>“I can read it on your face.”<br/>“The bruise is –”<br/>“Not the bruise.”<br/>“Well, I haven’t even said anything, so I can’t have lied.”<br/>He turned his head, looking out the window now.<br/>“And now you’re dodging.”<br/>“Miller, it doesn’t matter.”<br/>“Alec, I’ve seen you be truthful. This is not like that. You’re hiding something. Something that matters.”<br/>He gave her a look. <br/>“Fine, I take the ‘Alec’ back.”<br/>“Good.”<br/>“Not the rest.”<br/>“Not as good.”<br/>She smirked, then nudged his arm. “Look at you, finding a sense of humour. You should get beaten up more often.”<br/>“Mhm. Do you wanna take care of that in future times?”<br/>She raised her eyebrow. “And you can even flirt.”<br/>“I wasn’t flirting.”, he frowned.<br/>“Sounded like it.”<br/>“I wasn’t.”<br/>“Either way, talk.”<br/>“There’s nothing to talk about.”<br/>“Dodging. Again.”<br/>“I’ll get a cab.”, he reached for the door, but Ellie quickly switched on the central locking.<br/>“Oh no. You’re not going anywhere.”<br/>“I’m leaving.”<br/>“Shut up.” She started the motor and was on the road in a jiffy.<br/>“You just said –”<br/>“You know what I mean. Shut up about leaving and talk about the important stuff.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“Yeah, please. Please talk. Something’s wrong and I need to know why.”<br/>He shook his head. He looked so exhausted; Ellie almost pitied him. Silently, they drove on, leaving the town and rolling across the quiet streets with nothing but greenery surrounding them.<br/>“It doesn’t have to be now.”, Ellie finally said. “We could meet up later. I could come over to your place.”<br/>“You mean like last time? Because I suddenly started talking?”<br/>“Maybe. You have to tell me eventually, might as well be now.”<br/>“I can’t.”<br/>“Good to know. I’ll be there around seven then.”<br/>“You said you trust me. Prove it. I need to figure some stuff out that I can’t tell you about.”<br/>“Hardy, you need help. Let me help you.”<br/>“You can’t. Not with this. It’s okay.”<br/>“Let me try.”<br/>He sighed for the trillionth time. “No.”<br/>“Knob.”, Ellie muttered.<br/>“Your coffee is getting cold.”<br/>“Oh.” <br/>She picked up the cup from the holder and sipped on it. It was still more than lukewarm but definitely not hot anymore. Alec pulled out his phone, looking through the missed calls and messages. <br/>“You know, I was worried that something might happen to Claire and she couldn’t reach you.”<br/>He didn’t react.<br/>“That’s why I took your phone.”<br/>Still nothing.<br/>“I wasn’t just taking it for no reason. Or to snoop or whatever.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>She nodded. “Good.”<br/>“Did Claire call you?”<br/>“Only once. Just to check in any say everything was fine.”<br/>“When was that?”<br/>“Last night.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>She eyed up his face for a moment. “You don’t look concerned, so I take it Lee Ashworth either gave you that black eye himself or at least had something to do with it in some other way.”<br/>“Yeah, sure, just make up a story yourself. I’ll just nod politely and agree with everything. Will that make you shut up?”<br/>She scoffed. “God, you’re insufferable.”<br/>“I know, I must seem much more pleasant to you while asleep.”<br/>“You are. Best time I’ve ever had with you around.”<br/>He snorted. She looked at him, bemused that he was smiling, but he was already looking out the window again. Still, that was something. Somehow.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie held her breath when she opened her flat door and saw Alec. He held up a bottle of wine but didn’t say a word. When she didn’t react, he just put the bottle on the ground and pushed past Ellie into the flat.<br/>Finally drawing a quick breath again, Ellie picked up the bottle and closed the door. <br/>“What are you doing here?”<br/>Alec didn’t answer; took off his coat and put it on the hanger by the door. That part was routine, even though Alec didn’t usually bother with such decencies. What weirded Ellie out was him taking his suit jacket and shoes off as well. <br/>“Hardy, what are you doing here?”, she repeated.<br/>“Do you insist on glasses or can we drink from the bottle?”, he said, finally turning to her. <br/>Stunned, she didn’t know what to say. <br/>“Come on now, don’t just stand around.”, he added.<br/>“I’ve got glasses in the kitchen.”<br/>He nodded, waited. Ellie swallowed hard, then headed into the kitchen so he could follow her. It wasn’t like he could’ve missed the door. The flat she was currently living in was minuscule. One bedroom, no living room. Kitchen, bath. That was it. No way to get lost. <br/>Ellie took two wine glasses from the cupboard and opened the wine. She hadn’t been planning on drinking tonight but why not have a glass with a former colleague. The wine itself wasn’t anything fancy, more on the cheap side actually, but better than nothing. Alec was leaning in the door to the kitchen, busy rolling up his shirtsleeves. <br/>“Do I have to ask a third time?”, Ellie said without looking at him. <br/>“You could just take the hint that I’m not going to answer that.”<br/>“Why not?”<br/>“Because it’s a stupid question.”<br/>“Is it? Okay.”<br/>She poured the glasses, handed Alec one. <br/>“I’m not in the mood for an argument.”, she told him. “Just so you know.”<br/>“Great. Me neither.”<br/>“Yeah. Great.” She eyed him up; his face was unmoved. Unmeaning. Just the dark bruise staring at her provocatively. <br/>“Cheers.”, she clinked her glass against his and took a first sip. Not bad for looking so cheap. <br/>“And are you finally going to tell me what happened to your face?”<br/>“Lee punched me.”<br/>“So I was right.”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“Are you going to press charges?”<br/>“No. I don’t have time for that.”<br/>“Suit yourself. Why did he punch you? Not that I don’t understand the urge.”<br/>He shook his head. “Just an argument. He’s always had a short fuse.”<br/>“Is Claire okay?”<br/>“Yeah, yeah. She’s fine.”<br/>Ellie walked up to him to take a closer look at the bruise. “Does it hurt?”<br/>“Marginally.”<br/>“And why did you disappear for three days?”<br/>“It was a long argument. I left when he punched me.”<br/>“You were with Lee for three days?”<br/>“No, of course not.”<br/>“Meaning?”<br/>“I was with him one and a half days and at the cottage for the last day.”<br/>“Right.”<br/>He nodded silently, drank his wine at twice the speed she drank hers. Concerning, considering his condition. <br/>She wasn’t entirely convinced he was telling the truth but at this point, he was always acting off, so it was hard to find any truth or at least consistency in his behaviour anymore. And he looked awfully pale. Sickly. Maybe letting him drink wasn’t such a good idea. A bit of company was alright, but a vomiting ex-boss in the bathroom makes it hard to find sleep. <br/>Ellie looked up in anticipation when Alec pushed himself off the doorframe and subsequently took a step towards her, but he only went to grab the bottle, refill his glass. <br/>“You shouldn’t drink so quickly.”<br/>“Mhm.”, he filled the glass almost to the rim. <br/>“Seriously. Your heart.”<br/>“You’re always trying to be positive, so just look at it like this: If I just drink myself into a heart attack, I firstly won’t feel it as much and secondly won’t have to deal with all of this bullshit anymore. Sounds fair to me.”<br/>She held his gaze, trying to read something in his eyes. All she could see was exhaustion. <br/>“There’s still something you’re not telling me.”<br/>“Then it’s probably not important.”<br/>“Or you’re lying.”<br/>“Ach.”, he made a dismissive gesture and drank more wine. <br/>“You’re annoying.”<br/>“So are you.”<br/>Ignoring that last comment, she turned away from him and downed the rest of her glass. There wasn’t really anything to look at, just a generic landscape picture on the wall that had come with the apartment. Still, she kept staring at it, daring Alec to oppose her some more. She knew she wouldn’t throw him out though. He probably did too. <br/>“Can I stay over?”<br/>She blinked, forgot to breathe for a moment. That was not the response she had expected. Slowly, she looked at him over her shoulder. His head was lowered, his hand gripping the countertop nervously. He was anxious. He was <em>scared</em> she’d make fun of him. Or just send him home. <br/>“Yeah, sure.”, she forced herself to smile but was distracted by the tingling feeling in her fingertips. <br/>‘Stay over’. <br/>He wanted to ‘stay over’. <br/>She knew what that meant. And she was glad. Glad that he had enjoyed her last stay at his place. Glad that he wanted a reprise. <br/>But what if that wasn’t all he wanted?<br/>Oh, shut it. He had never indicated anything in that direction. And if he tries something, you’ll tell him off. It would be a shame but better than passing an opportunity in case he wasn’t planning anything sketchy. <br/>Silently, he walked back into the bedroom, sat on the ledge of the bed, and drank his wine. Ellie watched him carefully. She didn’t know what to make of his behaviour and that was more upsetting than when he was straight-up lying to her. The inconsistency. Like he himself didn’t know what he was doing. <br/>Maybe that’s why he was here. Acting on an impulse. Getting drunk on an impulse. Healthy.<br/>As if to agree with her, he downed the half-full glass like it was water on a hot day. Exhaling deeply, he put the empty glass on the ground and dropped himself onto the mattress, his hands covering his face. <br/>“I told you not to drink that fast.”<br/>“It’s not the wine.”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>“It’s not.”<br/>She sighed, put her glass aside and sat down on the other side of the bed. “Do you need a hug?”<br/>“<em>No</em>.”<br/>“Just asking.”<br/>“You ought to know better.”<br/>“Oh, don’t be like that.”<br/>He groaned. “I wanna sleep.”<br/>“You came all the way here to throw back two glasses of wine and immediately pass out in my bed? Well, thanks a lot.”<br/>“What else would you want me to do?”<br/>She blushed and was very glad he couldn’t see it. “Nothing. It’s just rude.”<br/>He nodded, pushed himself up, took off his tie. When he started unbuttoning his shirt though, she caught his hands, stopping him.<br/>“Woah, what are you doing?”<br/>He frowned, pulled on his collar to show her that he was wearing a t-shirt underneath. <br/>“Oh. Sorry.”, she pulled her hands back, feeling silly now. <br/>Alec didn’t comment, just took off his dress shirt, leaving a plain white tee underneath, and moved under the covers without another word. His back was turned to her. <br/>“That’s my side.”<br/>He moved over, sighed when he rested his head on the pillow. <br/>“Need anything else?”<br/>He shook his head. <br/>“Good.”, quietly, she picked up the glasses and went into the kitchen to put them in the sink. She corked the bottle and snuck a glance at Alec through the open door. He looked so out of place in her bed. He looked out of place in most places. In fact, he looked out of place anywhere that wasn’t a police station or court room. And maybe an AA meeting. He even looked out of place in his own home. <br/>But at least he seemed to be relatively relaxed now. That was worth something. And him coming here on his own accord was worth something too. But what?<br/>Ellie tried her best not to stir him while picking up some clothes and slipping into the bathroom to change and brush her teeth. <br/>Just pretend this is all normal. He seemed to think it was normal. This time at least. <br/>Finally, Ellie got into bed, careful not to move to close to Alec. “Are you doing to disappear again?”<br/>“Hm?”<br/>“In the morning. Like you did last time.”<br/>“Go to sleep, Miller.”<br/>“I’ll take that as a yes.”<br/>“Depends on how long you’ll sleep for.”<br/>“You don’t look like you’ve gotten any sleep in weeks.”<br/>“Fixing that now.”<br/>“How?”<br/>“You know.”<br/>“Know what?”<br/>“You <em>know</em>.”<br/>“Clearly, I don’t.”<br/>“There’s less stress here.”, he shook his head. “Forget it.”<br/>Ellie stared at the ceiling, wondering what he meant. <br/>“You still owe me breakfast.”<br/>“You’d have to actually stay to get breakfast.”<br/>“I will.”<br/>“No ‘depends’?”<br/>“Depends on how good the breakfast is.”<br/>“Knob.”<br/>She snuggled into the blanket but couldn’t find a comfortable position. She couldn’t even hold her feet still. <br/>“When did you decide to pop by?”<br/>“Here?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“I don’t know. Spontaneously. Why?”<br/>“You came with wine and an outfit to sleep in. That’s not spontaneous.”<br/>“Yes, it is.”<br/>“Arguing won’t change the fact that that’s ludicrous.”<br/>“I was at home, getting ready to sleep and spontaneously decided to sleep here instead.”<br/>“After getting drunk.”<br/>“I’m not drunk.”<br/>“So you have a slow digestive system. Congratulations.”<br/>He sighed. “Are you upset?”<br/>“No, I’m annoyed.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“Because you’re lying to me and being weird and now you’re drunk too.”<br/>“Okay, <em>fine</em>.”, he suddenly sat up and Ellie stared up at him, startled. “You want to know what happened? Lee took me to some godforsaken place and held me there until I listened to his stupid theories and pseudo-evidence. It was stupid and pointless and I felt like shit for the next two days because I passed out.”<br/>Ellie blinked, her tipsy brain needing some time to process. “Why didn’t you leave earlier?”<br/>“Because I didn’t know where I was, and Lee had made it clear that we were nowhere near walking-distance of any town. I technically made myself pass out because I didn’t take any meds.”<br/>“What, why?”<br/>“So he would take me to Claire to make sure I don’t die. Apparently, he didn’t want to be seen disposing of a dead officer.”<br/>“Why didn’t you go to a hospital?”<br/>“I don’t like hospitals.”<br/>“Because they keep telling you that you’re dying?”<br/>“I’m not dying.”<br/>“You’re sick.”<br/>“Not that sick.”<br/>She sighed. This was not a discussion she was ready to have right now. Not after a whole glass of wine late at night. “Three days?”<br/>“Two days. He took me Tuesday evening. I was with him all of Wednesday and stayed with Claire on Thursday.”<br/>“Oh, so you ignored me for all of Tuesday?”<br/>“<em>Yes</em>.”<br/>She was taken aback. “What?”<br/>“Yes, I was avoiding you. I didn’t know what do make of that night.”<br/>“You don’t need to make anything of that night. It was just a sleepover.”<br/>“We’re not twelve. Adults don’t just have sleepovers.”<br/>“Are you saying you’re disappointed we didn’t have sex?”<br/>“Absolutely not.”<br/>“Then why are you here again if you think sleepovers are for children?”<br/>He glared at her, clearly struggling to find an excuse. Then he just lay back down, his back turned towards her. <br/>“Hardy! Can you be specific for one bloody time?”<br/>“I don’t know.”<br/>“Don’t know what?”<br/>“Why I’m here. Like I said, it was spontaneous.”<br/>“Be honest, are you here because you liked last time?”<br/>He made a noise as a response. A mixture of a huff and a growl. It sounded a little like he had wanted to grunt and then choked. <br/>“Don’t ask stupid questions.”<br/>“It’s not a stupid question.”<br/>“I’m here because I want to be here. The end.”<br/>“What does that mean?”<br/>“What I said.”<br/>“But why do you want to be here?”<br/>“Because drinking alone is sad and drinking in company is socially acceptable.”<br/>“So you just didn’t want to be a pathetic wanker.”<br/>“Exactly.”<br/>She scoffed. <br/>“Can I sleep now?”<br/>“Do whatever you want.”<br/>“I want to sleep.”<br/>“Good for you.”<br/>He didn’t respond to that anymore, just turned a little in the sheets, moving his arm under his pillow. Ellie turned her back to him and closed her eyes, hoping to fall asleep quickly. She did feel a little sting though. Secretly, she had been hoping for this to be as pleasant as the last time around. Seems like that had been silly after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec snapped awake feeling like he was drowning. At an instant, the dream had disappeared from his memory, but the pain lingered. The fear. He gasped for air, his throat tight and unwilling to stop clenching. <br/>He felt tears on his cheeks. Scared and crying because of a dream – again. Was that what he had become? Pathetic. <br/>His body shook when new sobs were escaping his throat and he curled up on his side, pressing his arms over his face. His entire body was covered in sweat. <br/>“Hardy?”, he heard a gentle voice say and the bedside lamp flickered as it turned on. <br/>Immediately, he clasped a hand over his mouth, trying to stop the sobs while keeping his eyes shut. It wasn’t working. <br/>“What’s going on? Are you okay?”<br/>The sheets rustled as Ellie moved over to him, then he felt her hand on his shoulder. <br/>He wanted to tell her to piss off, that he was fine, and she should go back to sleep. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to utter a single word without breaking down. <br/>“Whatever it is”, she said, brushing her hand up and down his arm. “I’m sorry. But you really don't have to worry about anything right now. It can all wait. No need to beat yourself up. If that helps. Probably doesn’t, does it?”<br/>He clenched his teeth, trying desperately to stop his body from shaking. <br/>“I’ll get you some water.”, she got up, left the bed. A coldness spread over Alec from where her hand had been. He wanted to run away but couldn’t even move. His hand was wet from all the tears and his eyes were burning, threatening him that there was more to come. <br/>“There you go.”<br/>Ellie was kneeling beside the bed, looking him straight in the face. He stared back, scared. She could see he was crying and freaking out, there was no way of pretending he wasn’t. <br/>He just let the sobs out in return for his ability to move again, slightly pushing himself up to take the glass from Ellie’s hand and drink a little. Then he put the glass on the ground. <br/>“No, drink up.”, Ellie insisted. <br/>He snapped. “Water isnae gaun tae fix it!”<br/>He let himself fall back into the pillow, sobbing helplessly. It was too late now anyway. <br/>“You’re right, it’s not.”, Ellie got back into bed. He turned his back to her. <br/>“You’re shaking. Do you need your meds?”<br/>He shook his head. <br/>“Can I do anything to help you?”<br/>A stupid idea came to his mind. A stupid wish. But no. That wasn’t on the table. <br/>He shook his head again. <br/>“Okay. Sorry.”<br/>“Whit urr ye sorry fur?”, he was slurring, and he knew it, and he hated it. He had nothing under control, not even his words. <br/>“I don’t know. Maybe I did something wrong and now you’re – you know.”<br/>“Na.”<br/>“Okay. That’s a relief.”<br/>“Great.”<br/>Alec pulled up his shirt collar and wiped his eyes. As if to mock him, the tears kept coming, making the move completely superfluous. <br/>“Do you want to be alone for a moment?”, Ellie asked carefully. <br/>He shrugged. <br/>“Well, if you want me to leave, let me know. That’s fine.”<br/>She put her hand on his arm again, squeezing it gently. <br/>“Same if you want to talk about it.”<br/>“No.”, he flinched when he heard his own voice breaking. <br/>Ellie’s hold on his arm grew tighter. “You’ll be alright. No shame in feeling bad.”<br/>“I don’t – I just had a…forget it.”<br/>“A nightmare? Happens to all of us.”<br/>“I wis drowning. I dinnae remember anything else. Just – just drowning. Just fear.” He didn’t know why he was talking. The words just came spilling out. <br/>“I’m sorry. The water probably didn’t help then, did it?”<br/>“Na.”<br/>“Sorry.”<br/>“Stop apologising.”<br/>“I will.”<br/>“Mh.”<br/>“Are you okay to go back to sleep?”<br/>“Na.”<br/>“Oh.”<br/>“Ye dinnae need tae mother me, just go back tae sleep yersel.”<br/>“But I’m worried about you.”<br/>He sniffled, wiped his face dry again. There were less tears now, but he was still covered in sweat all over. He felt cold and wet and disgusting. Waking up like this at home was bad enough but in company, it was humiliating. <br/>“You don’t – excuse me, but you don’t seem fazed by having a nightmare like that. Does what happen a lot?”<br/>He nodded, exhaling deeply. <br/>“I didn’t know.”<br/>“O’ coorse ye didnae.”, he muttered. <br/>“But about the nightma –”<br/>“Don’t. Just don’t.”<br/>“Come on, don’t be silly.”<br/>“If I hud wanted ye tae know, I’d hae tellt ye.”<br/>“Told.”<br/>“I’d have told you. Which I didnae.”<br/>“Fine. Then don’t.”<br/>“Exactly.”<br/>“I’d like to help you, but I don’t know how.”<br/>The idea was back. It didn’t seem as silly this time. Still, it took him some time to build up the courage to speak. <br/>“Can I hae a hand…?”<br/>“A hand?”<br/>“Aye, a hand. Your hand.” Oh god, he was sobbing again. Embarrassment and fear, what a lovely combination. <br/>“…you want a hand?”<br/>“Dinnae make me regret asking.” Don’t make it worse, he added silently. <br/>Instead of offering him a hand to hold, she moved over and snuck her arms around his body, hugging him from behind. Her arms were pressed against his stomach, her hands rested on his waist, and her head fell against his back.<br/>“That’s not a hand.”, he said, holding his breath. <br/>“That is.” Ellie put her hand on his chest, right where his heart was. He knew she was trying to check whether he was tachycardic. <br/>He was awfully aware of how wet and gross he was. Of how much Ellie was probably disgusted by him and only keeping quiet about it because he was already crying. Even though it was a lie to not hurt his feelings, he was thanking all the gods he didn’t believe in for her not making fun of him for once. <br/>He tried to keep still. He would never admit it to Ellie, but this did feel nice. Her just holding him. He closed his eyes. <br/>“The thing you said the other day about life being pain.”, Ellie said. “I think I get it now.”<br/>Alec clenched his jaw, not daring to say anything to that. He didn’t want to cry anymore.<br/>“But you’ll be alright.”, Ellie added. “We’re all going to be alright.”<br/>If that’s what you think then you don’t get it., he thought. We’re not going to be alright. But it’s nice of you to try. <br/>They fell silent. Alec tried to calm his breathing so she wouldn’t get even more worried. Although the fact that she was okay with snuggling up against his sweaty body was quite telling. She cared. She genuinely cared. And god, knowing that felt incredibly good. <br/>One of her hands brushed up and down his side. The rhythmic touch relaxed him, and he could finally breathe steadily again. This was nice. He could get used to this.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie smiled. It was morning and Alec was still here with her. He was on his back, her head on his chest. Her left arm and leg were loosely draped over him. She brushed her hand over his stomach. <br/>She had almost forgotten how nice it was not to wake up alone and didn’t even mind that it was with him. <br/>Carefully, she lifted her head and looked at his face. Asleep. The white crust of dried tears was still on his cheeks. Still, this unmoved, he didn’t look as tense and angry as he usually did. The dishevelled hair suited him quite well. <br/>Oh – breakfast. She owed him breakfast. Well then, better get started while he was still asleep, then she wouldn’t have to put up with his lamenting. <br/>Sighing, she pushed herself up just when Alec stirred in his sleep. She froze, staring down at him with her hands on both sides of his arms. Slowly, he opened his eyes and frowned when he saw her. <br/>“What are you doing…?”<br/>“Getting up.”<br/>“Mh.”, he lifted a hand to his face and rubbed his eyes. <br/>“I’ll go freshen up and then I’ll make breakfast, yeah?”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Unless you want to sleep longer.”<br/>“No, it’s fine.”<br/>She got off the bed, trying not to hit him by accident. Once her feet were safely on the ground, she eyed up Alec again. <br/>“I’m not letting you leave this flat before you’ve taken a shower.”, she said. “Just to be clear.”<br/>“I didn’t even bring spare clothes.”<br/>“I’ll find you something.”<br/>“I’m not wearing your clothes.”<br/>“I’ll just throw your stuff in the washer while you shower.”<br/>“No washing machine is that quick.”<br/>“You’ll have to take a long shower then.”<br/>He groaned, rolling onto his side, and pulling the blanket over his head.<br/>Ellie ignored his antics and went into the bathroom to get ready and put on proper clothes. She felt oddly relaxed, like she had really had a good night’s sleep although she was aware that she had spent a good portion of the night awake. <br/>She also spent an unusual amount of time trying to make her hair look better before stepping into the bedroom again. <br/>Alec was sitting at the end of the bed, the heels of his hands pressed against his eyes. <br/>“You okay?”, Ellie asked. <br/>“Wonderful. I’ll have that shower now.”<br/>“Oh, sure. Just use whatever you need. Towels are – well, on the towel rack.”<br/>He nodded, got up. <br/>“And as for clothes…uh…”<br/>“I’ll just swear my old shirt.”, he picked up his dress shirt from the floor and turned away from her to head to the bathroom. <br/>“Do you want some pants?”<br/>“Like your clothes would fit me. I’ll be fine.”<br/>“Suit yourself.”<br/>He locked the door after himself and Ellie took a deep breath. She was nervous. <br/>But time for breakfast. To distract herself, she pulled ingredients for French toast from the cupboards and fridge. Everybody likes French toast, so this should be alright. She even had whipped cream in her fridge from her sister bringing cake. Admittedly, it had just been leftovers from a birthday party that she hadn't been invited to but that didn’t matter right now. <br/>Her head wasn’t really in the right space while she was making the first round. She couldn’t stop wondering what to do now. There were too many weird things going on with Alec, which were distracting her not only from making French toast but also from the goddamn trial of her ex-husband. The thing that should be more important than anything right now. She shook her head. One thing after the other. Have breakfast with Alec for now and then after they’re done, they can get back on track. For now, she could allow herself to think about last night instead. <br/>She plated the French toast and went to the bathroom, knocked. The water was running.<br/>“Hardy?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Clothes?”<br/>“One second.”<br/>The door opened and a wet, naked arm appeared, holding up Alec’s shirt and pants. <br/>“Thanks.”, Ellie muttered, taking the stuff from him and headed down into the cellar with some if her own laundry. It felt absurd to be doing this. So mundane and yet odd. Forbidden somehow. <br/>Maybe the rumours all around her were getting to her head. The fear of one derailing the trial. <br/>When she went back upstairs, Alec was in the kitchen. His hair was still wet, a towel around his shoulders. The shirt was all wrinkly but still less unseeming than the naked legs. <br/>Chicken, Ellie thought. <br/>Alec turned around, looking at her with a frown. “Excuse me?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Did you just say ‘chicken’?”<br/>Oh. “No, of course not.”<br/>“Are you calling me a chicken?”<br/>“No, just –”<br/>“Just?”<br/>Ellie pushed him aside and picked up a plate, taking it with her to sit at the table. <br/>“Skinny.”, she finally muttered. <br/>“Oh, for Christ’s sake…”, Alec sighed, sitting down across from her. <br/>“I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”<br/>He didn’t respond. <br/>“Was the shower alright?”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>“Good. Clothes should be done in a bit over half an hour plus the dryer.”<br/>“So not in half an hour.”<br/>“Well, the machine will be done in half an hour.”<br/>“And the dryer will take another hour, at least.”<br/>“Congratulations for knowing how laundry works.”<br/>Again, no response. Instead, he started eating the French toast. <br/>“Mh, wait.”, Ellie got up and got the whipped cream from the fridge. Without asking, she sprayed some on Alec’s food. He, in retaliation, moved her arm away and the cream covered his hand. <br/>“Shite.”, he muttered. <br/>“What, you don’t like whipped cream?”<br/>“Too sweet.”<br/>“‘Course it is.”, she sat back down and sprayed some cream on her own plate. <br/>He looked at his hand disapprovingly, then just licked the cream off. Ellie watched him, amused. He noticed. <br/>“Eat.”, he said. <br/>“You eat.”<br/>He picked up the cutlery and cut himself a piece, shoving it into his mouth. <br/>Ellie nodded, finally started eating too. She was starving and had to admit that her cooking was excellent today. A bit soggy by now but still tasty. <br/>“One thing.”, Ellie said through a mouthful. <br/>Alec waited. <br/>“Why did you bring wine?”<br/>He shrugged, unbothered. <br/>“Knowing you, you could’ve just showed up without anything.”<br/>“So?”<br/>“So why wine this time?”<br/>“Isn’t that what people do?”<br/>“When?”<br/>“I don’t know.”<br/>She nodded, not satisfied with that answer. <br/>“And how are you?”<br/>“Fine.”<br/>“I don’t believe you.”<br/>“I don’t need you to believe me.”<br/>“Maybe not but you needed a hand to hold last night. Care to explain what was going on there?”<br/>“I told you.”, he didn’t look at her, just moved around his food in his plate without eating it. <br/>“Does that happen a lot? The nightmares?”<br/>He nodded. <br/>“And always that bad?”<br/>“Usually.”<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>Another nod. <br/>“Well, at least now I know why you always look like shit in the mornings.”<br/>“Great.”<br/>She eyed him up. ‘Uncomfortable’ was an understatement. He looked like he was about to run away. <br/>“Hardy, if it’s that bad, you should see a doctor and get something to knock you out for the night.”<br/>“Can’t. That stuff doesn’t pair well with heart arrhythmia.”<br/>“Oh.”<br/>They kept on eating in silence for a while. Ellie noticed how Alec’s hair was dripping on the plate every now and then, but he didn’t seem bothered by it. <br/>“Is the food alright?”, she finally asked. <br/>He nodded. Nothing else. <br/>Sighing, she gave up trying to have a conversation with him. Apparently, he was only capable of that when drunk or half-asleep. <br/>Once they were done with breakfast, Ellie busied herself with some household chores while Alec sat at the table, staring at his phone screen. Probably answering emails. Or just scrolling aimlessly to look busy. Tom did that all the time, thinking Ellie didn’t notice. She did. She always did. <br/>Still, she hated how awkward this was. How they both knew he was just waiting for his clothes, and would disappear the second they were finished. Ellie wanted and didn’t want him to leave at the same time. She didn’t want him to stay if he was going to keep acting like this but if he would just <em>talk</em> again, they she wouldn’t mind having him around a little longer. <br/>She thought about last night. About her arms around his body. It had felt so natural. Comfortable. Almost familiar. It couldn’t be though. Even just from an objective standpoint, Alec was nothing like – well, like Joe. Skinnier, <em>bonier</em>, itchy beard and soft hair. And the sweat. The smell of it. She shuddered. <br/>Then she snuck a glance at Alec while making the bed. His back was turned to her. She just stood and stared; wondering whether he was pondering over the same things that were bothering her. <br/>Probably not. Let’s be honest, Alec was a block of ice. He was probably thinking about court, if anything. Maybe Lee Ashworth. Maybe Claire. <br/>She froze for a moment. Maybe that was why he was here. He was hiding from Lee. He was scared that Lee might pay him another visit if he is home alone. Not an unsubstantiated worry. If that even was his reason. But wouldn’t he have told her that? Well, maybe not. He had been extremely reluctant to even tell her about what had happened with Lee in the first place, so it only seemed plausible that he – <br/>“Miller.”<br/>She jumped when he turned around and looked at her. <br/>“Hm?”<br/>“Time’s almost up.”<br/>“Oh. Right.”<br/>She hadn’t even paid attention to the clock after putting the clothes from the washer into the dryer but apparently Alec had. She finished making the bed and picked up Alec’s clothes from the cellar. <br/>“Thanks.”, he muttered when she handed them to him, and he immediately disappeared into the bathroom to change. <br/>Ellie waited in the kitchen, trying to look like she wasn’t waiting. He was about to leave. She knew he was about to leave, so why did she want him to stay? To sit around at her table doing nothing?<br/>He emerged from the bathroom, full suit again, including the tie. Socks and shoes followed. Then he came into the kitchen.<br/>“A’ight. I’ll head home.”, Alec said. <br/>“Do you want me to drive you?”<br/>“No, I’ll get a cab.”, he went to the door, putting on his jacket and coat. “I’ll see you in court.”<br/>“Yeah, sure. Thanks for the wine. Again.”<br/>He nodded. “Thanks for – you know, letting me stay.”<br/>She smiled at him. “Any time. You can come over more often if you’d like.”<br/>This made him visibly uncomfortable. He looked away, reached for the doorknob. “Bye, Miller.”<br/>She had no problem accepting that he didn’t want to talk about this stuff, but she did have a problem with him trying to sneak off now. <br/>“Right.”, she took a step towards him, arms out to hug him but he moved away. <br/>“What are you doing?”<br/>“Giving you a hug.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“Stop complaining. You were just starting to piss me off slightly less than usually.”<br/>He scoffed. <br/>She took another step towards him, just went in for the hug. He grumbled something unintelligible but didn’t move away this time. <br/>Ellie leaned her head against his chest, closing her eyes for a moment. He smelled of her shower gel, of her laundry detergent, of <em>her</em>. Swallowing hard, she stepped away again, squeezing his arm gently. <br/>“We done?”, he said. <br/>She nodded. <br/>“Right. Bye then.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Claire’s phone rang. Alec. <br/>“Hey.”<br/>“Hi. Are you home?”<br/>“Yeah. Why?”<br/>He hung up. The doorbell rang. Claire frowned, walked over and opened the door. <br/>“What was the point of that?”<br/>“You shouldn’t answer the door unless you know who it is.”, Alec said, pushing past her. <br/>“Yes, dad.”<br/>He ignored her, just walked ahead into the kitchen, so she followed him. <br/>“How’s your face?”, she asked, sitting down across from him. <br/>“Better. Swelling’s gone.”<br/>“I can tell. Purple’s not your colour, by the way.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Do you want a cuppa? I just made some.”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>Claire poured him a cup, moved it across the table. “Any particular reason for your visit?”<br/>“Just making sure Lee didn’t contact you after the other day. I don’t like that he got so close to you.”<br/>“He didn’t. Just the voicemail he left while you were here. And technically, it’s down to you that he showed up at all.”<br/>“Excuse me for not trusting him to actually get me help.”<br/>Claire exhaled deeply, eying up Alec’s face. “I had no idea you were sick.”<br/>He shrugged. “What does it matter? If I have a heart attack, you call an ambulance. End of story.”<br/>“And you don’t think it would help the doctors to know you have a heart condition?”<br/>“They’re doctors, they’ll find out soon enough.”<br/>“Now they can because now I know.”<br/>“Claire.”, he said, looking intensely at her. “I won’t have a heart attack.”<br/>Claire scoffed. He couldn’t know that for sure, but she didn’t have the nerves to argue with him right now.<br/>“Does Ellie know?”<br/>“About me being sick? Yeah.”<br/>“Wow. So you tell her but not me?”<br/>“I didn’t tell her. We were chasing a suspect, and I –”<br/>She cocked her head. “You what? You had a heart attack?”<br/>He scowled at her. “Maybe.”<br/>“Making my point.”<br/>Alec sipped on his tea, staring at the wall now. She wondered what he was thinking. <br/>“Lee wouldn’t have let you die. Just so you know.”<br/>Alec shrugged. “Am I so wrong in thinking that he would?”<br/>“Yes. You are.”<br/>“You’re naïve, Claire.”<br/>“You’re cynical, Alec.”<br/>“If you really want to know: I didn’t think that either. I was betting on him having that little shred of decency left on him. That was why I told him to bring me here. So you’d keep an eye on me and he couldn’t do anything funny.”<br/>“He’s not that kind of a man.”<br/>“He punched me when I refused to believe his bullshit.”<br/>“He was frustrated and you’re stubborn.”<br/>“He stole my handcuffs.”<br/>“Did he?”<br/>“Yeah. Had them before he took me and when I next checked, they were gone.”<br/>“And you think he was going to use them on you? Sounds kinky.”<br/>“Would that ease your mind? That he didn’t actually want to coerce and kidnap me but just wanted some kinky sex?”<br/>Claire couldn’t help but smirk. The thought of Lee with Alec was too ludicrous. “Don’t worry, you’re not his type.”<br/>“No? But you and I are so alike.”, there was a hint of a smile on his face. <br/>“You wish.”<br/>“Na.”, he drank more tea, probably hiding his face. “But does that mean that that has happened before?”<br/>“Him shagging a bloke or him chaining someone up?”<br/>“Now that you mention it, both.”<br/>“Is that important for your investigation?”<br/>He took a deep breath. “No. Sorry. Just making conversation. Anyway…he didn’t contact you, you said?”<br/>“Not even a single text.”<br/>“Good. That’s very good.”<br/>“Has he contacted you?”<br/>“No. I guess he’s given up on me.”<br/>Claire chuckled. “Poor you. Didn’t even get a shag out of it and now he won’t call.”<br/>Alec looked at her silently. She frowned. There was something in his expression that had shifted but she couldn’t put the finger on it. <br/>“Thanks for getting me away from him.”, Alec finally said. “You may not believe he could do anything bad, but I was ready to die in that van if I had misjudged him.”<br/>“You can’t just die on me. I need you.”<br/>“And now you repaid me for helping you. Isn’t that swell?”<br/>“Absolutely swell.”<br/>“Claire”, Alec leaned over the table, looking serious now. “please be careful. I know it was a different situation because it was an emergency, but you need to stay away from him.”<br/>“Unless you orchestrate a meeting and film it without my knowledge, of course.”<br/>She could see his eyes darken a little. “That was necessary to keep you safe.”<br/>“Didn’t work too well, did it?”<br/>“Because you fucking went with him!”<br/>“Let’s not fight about that again, okay? I got the message when you screamed at me the first time around.”<br/>“Right, remind me: Was that before or after you made out with him in front of me?”<br/>“Oh, screw you.”<br/>“He has a leash on you, Claire, and you need to get a grip. Otherwise, he’s just going to keep getting closer and one day I won’t be there in time to intervene and who knows what might happen.”<br/>“He’s not going to hurt me.”<br/>“Sure. Just like he didn’t hurt me.”<br/>Claire shook her head, finished her tea, and stood up to put the cup in the sink. <br/>“Are you done soon?”<br/>“With the tea?”, he sounded confused. <br/>“With your preaching. I know need to keep a distance; you’ve told me that a thousand times.”<br/>“Which should make you think.”<br/>“You’re overreacting.”<br/>She startled when Alec was suddenly at her side. <br/>“You need to see this realistically. There’s a good chance he killed those wee girls. He’s a murderer. Stay away from the murderer. If you don’t trust me, trust this.”, he pointed to his eye. “You saw what he’s capable of. You know he’s unstable and dangerous.”<br/>Claire swallowed hard. She wanted to tell him he was wrong but knew that that wasn’t an option. “I do trust you. More than anyone else in my life right now. Even after you screwed me over and lied to me.”, she pushed him against the chest. He stumbled back two steps. <br/>Then he nodded. <br/>She looked at him, daring him to defend his actions again but he didn’t. Just stared right back, unmoved. <br/>“Let me know if anything else comes up.”<br/>“Always do, you just barely ever answer.”<br/>“I’m busy with the trial.”<br/>“Not that busy.”<br/>“Still.”<br/>“Give Ellie my best.”<br/>He frowned, then immediately turned away and grabbed his mug, finishing it. <br/>“Call me.”, he added, putting the cup back on the table and heading out without another look back. <br/>“Sure, love,” Claire said sarcastically while taking his mug. “anything for you. It’s not like you haven’t gotten anywhere in over a year or anything.”, she scoffed. “You’re a fucking joke, Alec.”</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec let the phone ring out for quite a while and Ellie was almost ready to accept he wouldn’t answer when she heard rustling from the speaker.<br/>
“What?”, his voice was deep, hoarse.<br/>
“Oh, good, you’re awake.”<br/>
“I am now.”<br/>
“Did I wake you up?”<br/>
“What do you want, Miller?”, he yawned.<br/>
“Well, uh…I couldn’t sleep.”<br/>
No response. He probably waited for her to say more but nothing came.<br/>
“Is that supposed to tell me something?”, he ultimately said.<br/>
“I don’t know, I just thought…maybe I could come over?”, now that she said it out loud, it sounded rather silly.<br/>
“Is that a thing now?”<br/>
“What is?”<br/>
“Us sleeping over when we feel like shit.”<br/>
“Would it be so bad if it was?”<br/>
“I don’t know.”<br/>
“Well, I was just asking. You don’t have to say Yes. I just thought it would be nice. And maybe you’d still be awake – which apparently you weren’t.”<br/>
He fell silent again and Ellie wasn’t sure what to make of this.<br/>
“Fine, yeah.”, he sighed.<br/>
“Great.”, she smiled, feeling a little happier now.<br/>
“I’ll leave the door unlocked. Don’t wake me up if I’m asleep.”<br/>
“I’ll try my best. See you.”<br/>
No response. He had just hung up.<br/>
“Jerk.”, Ellie muttered and got up, throwing on her jacket and shoes over her PJs. </p><p>All the lights at Alec’s place were off. She pushed down the door handle and went in, relieved that he hadn’t just played her or changed his mind.<br/>
“Hardy?”, she said quietly. No response.<br/>
She took off her jacket and shoes, put them by the sofa and made her way to the bedroom.<br/>
Alec was on his side, eyes closed.<br/>
Ellie didn’t know what to make of that. It was rude in a way, agreeing to have her come over and then just being asleep when she got there. But she couldn’t bring herself to be mad at him. He looked so at peace.<br/>
Carefully, she climbed into bed next to him and pulled the blanket up to her shoulders. She paused, then moved a little closer to him.<br/>
“Night.”, she muttered into the darkness.<br/>
“Night…”, Alec breathed.<br/>
“Oh, you’re awake?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“Did I wake you up again?”<br/>
“Yes.”<br/>
“Sorry.”<br/>
“Mm.”<br/>
“Go back to sleep then.”<br/>
A beat.<br/>
“You okay?”, Alec said.<br/>
“Not really”<br/>
He sighed. “Shit.”<br/>
“Did you expect me to magically recover in the last fifteen minutes?”<br/>
“Don’t scold me for being hopeful.”<br/>
“Hopeful? That doesn’t sound like you.”<br/>
“I’m tired.”<br/>
“It’s fine, I like you better when you’re tried.”<br/>
“You like me better when I’m not thinking straight.”<br/>
“That too. But you seem to hold together quite well when you’re drunk.”<br/>
“I wasn’t drunk.”, he was more grunting than talking now.<br/>
“You were definitely drunk.”<br/>
“I promise you that you’ve never seen me drunk before, Miller.”<br/>
“We’re changing that.”<br/>
“I’m not moving an inch for the next three to five hours.”<br/>
“Not tonight. But soon.”<br/>
Another sigh. “Fine.”<br/>
“Good. That’s something to look forward to at least.”<br/>
“Glad to be of service at the expense of my liver.”<br/>
“Well, you could – sorry, no. Tiredness almost burned through with me.”<br/>
“Could what?”<br/>
“It’s silly. Maybe I’ll ask when you’re drunk.”<br/>
“Just say it. If it’s stupid, I’ll pretend I’ve fallen asleep.”<br/>
“Very reassuring.”, she pulled the blanket a little higher. “It’s just that when you were down, we – I gave you a hug. Sort of. Can I get one too?”<br/>
“You can have a hug if you start crying.”<br/>
“Oh, sod off.”<br/>
He scoffed, then shifted and already, his arms wrapped around her and grateful, Ellie moved closer and leaned into his chest.<br/>
“Thank you.”, she said.<br/>
“Shut up.”<br/>
She felt his chest rise as with each deep breath. It was quite comforting. And this time, he didn’t even feel cold. Or wet. It was just cosy.<br/>
“Let me know if you have another nightmare.”<br/>
“Oh, you’d know.”<br/>
“Good.”<br/>
She shifted her leg a little and held her breath when she realised her foot was resting on his calf now. Her knee between his thighs. He didn’t move. Didn’t complain. Wasn’t this too close?<br/>
Just don’t question it.<br/>
She slipped her arm around him from under his head and let her fingers sink into his hair.<br/>
“Right,” he said. “when you say ‘hug’, does that mean you’re going to let me go soon or are we sleeping like this?”<br/>
“Would you mind?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
Ellie smiled. And he wasn’t even drunk. How about that. Lost in thought, she brushed her fingers through his hair, just enjoying the feeling.<br/>
“You’re not going to start crying though, are you?”<br/>
She wasn’t quite sure how the question was meant. His tone was too scattered for that.<br/>
“Scared I’ll stain your shirt?”<br/>
“Yeah. If you get anything on me, I’ll throw you into the canal.”<br/>
She smirked. “Good luck trying. I’ll drag you with me.”<br/>
“I would expect nothing less of you.”<br/>
“Glad we’re on the same page.”, she patted his chest. “Thanks for letting me come over.”<br/>
“I want to sleep, Miller.”<br/>
“Fine. Sorry.”<br/>
His arms hung around her sort of loosely and she wished he would pull her in tighter. She couldn’t tell him that of course. Just like she couldn’t tell him how much she enjoyed having her head on his chest and listening to his breathing. She could barely even admit that to herself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec was teetering on the balls of his feet while he waited in front of Ellie’s door. Half-heartedly, he wiped his sleeve over his eyes, hoping Ellie wouldn’t be able to tell he’d been crying.<br/>
He rang the bell again. Finally, the door opened.<br/>
“For God’s sake, Hardy, it’s the middle of the night.”<br/>
“I know. Do you want to get drunk?”<br/>
She was still wearing her normal clothes, so at least he hadn’t woken her up. She frowned at him though. “What?”<br/>
“We said we were going to get drunk. Let’s do it now.”<br/>
She eyed him up, bemused. “Are you alright?”<br/>
“Fine.”<br/>
“I don’t believe you.”<br/>
“Look, I’m going to get pissed right now. With or without you.”<br/>
Ellie sighed but nodded. “I’ll come with you. Someone has to make sure you don’t pass out in the gutter.”<br/>
She went to grab her shoes and purse, then locked the door behind herself.<br/>
“Do you want to go to the pub the rest of us usually go to?”<br/>
“No, not a pub. I don’t like pubs.”<br/>
“That’s funny, you always look like you’ve just come from one.”<br/>
He grunted as an answer.<br/>
“At least your bruise is almost faded by now.”<br/>
“Yeah. Almost.” He was still getting looks in the streets, but he didn’t feel pain anymore when he touched his face. Usually, he would forget it was even there until someone stared right at it.<br/>
“What’s your plan then?”, Ellie went on.<br/>
“Buy some bottles, sit down somewhere and drink until I black out.”<br/>
“You’re such a loner.”<br/>
“Issue with that?”<br/>
“No.”, she held the door open for him as they left the building. “I can tell you’ve been crying. Just so you know.”<br/>
He swallowed hard, pretended he didn’t hear her.<br/>
“It’s okay if you want to talk a little. Just ask.”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“So you just want to drown your sorrows in alcohol?”<br/>
“That was the idea, yeah.”<br/>
“What a healthy coping mechanism.”<br/>
“I don’t usually do that.”<br/>
“Is it that bad today?”<br/>
“No. Just thought I’d kill two birds with one stone.”<br/>
“Oh, is this a chore for you then?”<br/>
“Yup.”<br/>
She scoffed.<br/>
“What’s the closest store?”<br/>
“Convenience store is a bit far. Twenty minutes by foot.”<br/>
He nodded.<br/>
“Or I could drive us to town, and we drink at your place.”<br/>
“Sure.”<br/>
“Right.”, Ellie pulled out her keys and changed the side of the road, Alec always a step behind her. They got into her car and Alec didn’t quite know what to make of the sudden silence. Ellie didn’t seem excited about this change of her evening plans.<br/>
“You don’t have to come with me, you know.”, he said carefully. “I know I’m not fun to be around and you probably have something better to do than endure me all night. And I can promise you, I only get worse when I’m drunk.”<br/>
“Worse? Is that possible?”<br/>
“You can still leave.”<br/>
“You don’t have to explain that to me, I know what I can do.”<br/>
“Just saying.”<br/>
“Listen.”, she turned in her seat to face him as well as she could in the car. “I can tell you feel like shit and I appreciate that you think having a drink with me will help you feel better. So no, I won’t leave. And if you need anything, you let me know.”<br/>
He didn’t say anything, just stared out of the window and avoided thinking about any of what Ellie had just said.<br/>
“Say something.”, she said sharply.<br/>
“Drive.”<br/>
“That’s not what I meant.”<br/>
“I don’t care.”<br/>
“God, I hope you can handle some liquor at least.”<br/>
“I have a heart condition.”<br/>
“Don’t remind me of that or I might feel bad for you.”<br/>
“Yeah, don’t do that.”<br/>
“You really don’t like sympathy, do you?”<br/>
He shrugged. “It’s not that I don’t like it. I just don’t want it.”<br/>
“Why not?”<br/>
“What does it matter?”<br/>
“Just curious.”<br/>
“Be curious about something else then.”<br/>
“Do you think you don’t deserve it?”<br/>
He clenched his jaw, holding back from snapping at her. It was none of her business anyway but her being so right about him made it ten times worse.<br/>
“Can you just drive already?”<br/>
She started the motor, got the car moving. “Aren’t you in a cheerful mood?”<br/>
“Get me drunk and I’ll forget what a nuisance you are.”<br/>
“You’re paying.”<br/>
“Fine.”<br/>
The rest of the drive over to the store was quiet, as was the shopping that followed. Alec just stood a metre behind her as she picked out a bottle of red wine. Then he took a whiskey from a shelf and headed straight for the checkout. Alec paid while Ellie looked around the store. Alec guessed she was hoping nobody would see them. He hoped for the same thing. It wasn’t like this was anything raunchy, but he really didn’t think it would be helpful if people knew he was getting pissed with Ellie – especially since it wasn’t just in a pub. Maybe he should’ve just gone to the pub with her. That would’ve been the socially acceptable thing. The normal thing.<br/>
Well, too late now. He put his wallet back into his pocket and grabbed the whiskey, not paying attention to whether Ellie was following him or not. They left the car where it was and walked the short way over to Alec’s place.<br/>
The nightly view over the canal was wonderful. So serene. Alec stood and stared for a good while until Ellie grabbed his arm, then ugh-ed and just started searching in his jacket’s pockets for the key. She found it before he had time to complain, so Ellie let herself in.<br/>
Alec ran a hand over his face. He was weirdly tired and awake at the same time. His body was exhausted, his mind racing. He sat down on the ground, just leaning his back against the wall of the chalet. He didn’t want to go inside. He didn’t really want to do anything that didn’t involve numbing his mind to an unhealthy degree.<br/>
Silently, he unscrewed the bottle but before he could take a sip, Ellie was back.<br/>
“What are you doing?”<br/>
“Drinking.”<br/>
“What, out here?”<br/>
“It’s nice out.”<br/>
She eyed him up, then took in the scenery. “I suppose so. But don’t you at least want a glass? You’re an officer of the law, not a sixteen-year-old boy who raided his parents’ liquor cabinet.”<br/>
He shrugged. “Don’t want to do the dishes.”<br/>
Ellie shook her head. “Whatever suits you.” She went back inside, and he could hear her search his kitchen drawers and then uncork the bottle. When she came back out, she didn’t have a glass either. She sat down next to him. Her hip made a popping noise as she stretched out her legs. They both ignored it.<br/>
“I’ve never actually nicked any alcohol from my parents.”, Alec said. “Do people normally do that?”<br/>
“It’s the cliché for underage drinking. And if your daughter was living with you, I guarantee you you’d notice something missing some day too.”<br/>
“I didn’t drink until I was legally allowed to.”<br/>
She snorted. “My god, you’re prudish. Are you sure you’re Scottish?”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
She grabbed the whiskey from him. “Cheers.”<br/>
He muttered a ‘Cheers’ too as she drank. She pulled a face. “Wow. Lukewarm and strong.”<br/>
“Sure, like a proper geezer.”, Alec took the bottle back and took a swig himself. It wasn’t that bad. The taste was actually really nice.<br/>
“Did you ever even live in Scotland?”<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“Hm, yeah. I suppose you must’ve, or you wouldn’t have the accent.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“Where are you from?”<br/>
“Glasgow.”<br/>
“Alright. I’ve been to Glasgow before.”<br/>
“Good for you.”<br/>
Ellie scoffed, took the bottle again and drank more. “Why even ask for company if you’re not in the mood for a conversation?”<br/>
He sighed. “Sorry. I’m just…I don’t know. Sorry. And I don’t really like talking about Scotland. People always make it out to be so vastly different from England and it’s just not. Especially big cities. Be it Glasgow or any other city, they’re all essentially the same. Lots of people with big egos and lots of people who can’t even afford rent.”<br/>
Ellie nodded slowly. “Well, uh…do you prefer small towns?”<br/>
“Not sure.”<br/>
“I prefer them.”<br/>
“I can tell.”<br/>
They kept passing the bottle back and forth for every sip and Alec was starting to rethink his no-glasses decision.<br/>
“Not just this town. Although I’m liking Broadchurch less the longer this case and trial drag on.”<br/>
“Me too.”, Alec said. “just want to leave but I can’t.”<br/>
“It’s almost over, you can piss off afterwards if you want to.”<br/>
He shook his head. “I have to stay.”<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
“Claire.”<br/>
“Ah. Because you’re her guardian angel.”<br/>
He scoffed. “I’m nobody’s bloody angel.”<br/>
“I know, I know. There are no saviours, and the world is hell. Don’t think I forgot your tirade. It was just a joke, don’t get defensive. And this is too strong, I’m done with that.”, she put the bottle between his legs as if that was the obvious place to store it, then reached for the wine instead.<br/>
“I shouldn’t be drinking whiskey either.”, Alec muttered.<br/>
Ellie glanced at him, frowning. He held her gaze, regretting the words already. She snatched the whiskey again and stood up. “Right then. Cutting you off from this.”<br/>
She screwed the cap back on and brought the bottle inside, then sat back down next to him again, closer this time. Her knee was touching his leg.<br/>
“The wine better be good then.”<br/>
She offered him the bottle and he took it, reading the label first. 13%. Could be worse. He took a sip. The lack of bite made him think that this could never get him drunk quickly enough but he knew that wasn’t true. He just had to commit. Accordingly, he craned back his head and drank until he ran out of air.<br/>
When he put the bottle back down, breathing heavily, Ellie was staring at him.<br/>
“Am I here to make sure you don’t give yourself alcohol poisoning?”<br/>
“No, you’re here to make sure I <em>do</em>. Just keep nagging and I will.”<br/>
Ellie just took back the bottle, taking a sip too. A moderate one.<br/>
“Should I be expecting to call you an ambulance at some point tonight? Were two heart attacks not enough and now you want the treble?”<br/>
“The first one barely even counts as a heart attack. I was already awake again in the ambulance. I just passed out again before we got to the hospital.”<br/>
“Not helping your case.”<br/>
He sucked his teeth but luckily, Ellie didn’t dwell on it.<br/>
“I don’t know if you even considered it but it’s good that tomorrow is a Saturday, so I can sleep in.”<br/>
“I did consider that.”<br/>
“Oh. Good.”<br/>
It was obvious that she never expected him to be considerate about anyone or anything. She was probably right in doing so but it did irk him.<br/>
“I suppose you’re more used to getting drunk on your own and just staring at the wall, huh?”<br/>
He shook his head, then leaned it back against the wall.<br/>
“No? How so?”<br/>
“I’m not a drinker. I don’t like the taste. Or being drunk, really. Never worth it.”<br/>
“Then why now?”<br/>
“I just need to get out of my head.”<br/>
Ellie nodded, worry on her face now. “And that makes it worth it?”<br/>
“I hope so. I don’t know what incentive you were acting under, but my goal isn’t half-cut, I’m aiming for not remembering tonight.”<br/>
“Doesn’t mean you have to sulk all night.”<br/>
He shrugged. “I suppose so.”<br/>
“How about a snack? Do you have anything around?”<br/>
“Nothing much.”<br/>
“Can I check your fridge?”<br/>
“Sure.”<br/>
Ellie pushed herself up, leaving the wine with him as she went back inside. Alec stared at the bottle. It was already looking remarkably empty, considering they’d basically just gotten started.<br/>
“Your fridge looks even sadder than you.”, he heard Ellie’s voice from inside.<br/>
“Fuck you.”, he muttered quietly enough that she wouldn’t catch it.<br/>
“Seriously?”, she walked out, holding up an almost empty bag of bread.<br/>
“What, am I not allowed to own bread?”<br/>
“You don’t have anything to put on this in your fridge.”<br/>
He frowned. “I don’t?”<br/>
“Surprised?”<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“Go shopping tomorrow then.”, she tossed the bread at him and he raised his arm in reflex to shield his head. It worked, the bag his hit arm, but he also spilled wine over his shirt.<br/>
“Shite.”, he put the bottle aside and wiped his hand over his chest as if that would get rid of the stain.<br/>
“Oh, that’s going to be an ugly stain.”, Ellie was at his side again, taking the bottle and his arm. “Come on, get up.”<br/>
Begrudgingly, he let her drag him into the kitchen.<br/>
“Take your shirt off. Do you have vinegar?”, she was already in her element, searching through his cabinets while he stood there, his brain not quite processing everything fast enough.<br/>
Ellie looked at him over her shoulder. “Don’t just stand around. The longer you let it sit, the worse it will get.”<br/>
“I’m not going to take my shirt off in front of you.”<br/>
“Oh, come on, don’t be a child. Like I’ve never seen a man shirtless.”, she took a step towards him, hands at his collar, but he pushed her away.<br/>
“Back off. Vinegar is in the left cabinet. I’ll be right back.”<br/>
He locked himself in the bedroom, quickly taking off his jacket – which had luckily gotten away unscathed – and the dirty tie and shirt. He felt his heart beat way too fast in his chest, the prospect of having to strip in front of Ellie having given him a right fright. Shivering at the sudden cold, he wiped his chest clean with a tissue before slipping on a t-shirt. With the dress-shirt and tie in hand, he went back into the kitchen.<br/>
Ellie was just coming back in too, a cup of laundry detergent in hand that she now put next to a bowl with the vinegar.<br/>
“Give me the stuff.”<br/>
Alec put the clothes next to the bowl and leaned his forearms into the counter, watching Ellie work. She soaked the stains in the vinegar, then she took the wine bottle and chugged a good bit of it.<br/>
“You know how I can feel it coming?”, she said, handing the bottle over to Alec.<br/>
“Feel what coming?”, he took a sip too, just a small one though.<br/>
“Intoxication. My hand-eye coordination is off.”, she held up her hands in front of her, looking at them as she turned them over.<br/>
“How awful.”<br/>
“Are you feeling anything yet?”<br/>
“Starting to.”<br/>
“I give you…ten more minutes. Then it will hit you.”<br/>
“You’ll know when it hits me.”, he drank some more, then held the bottle up towards the light, checking how much was left. Maybe a quarter.<br/>
“How so?”<br/>
“You’ve noticed it before, actually. When my concentration is gone.”<br/>
Ellie frowned, evidently pondering. Then her face lit up. “Your accent gets stronger. You start slurring because you’re not concentrating on speaking intelligibly.”<br/>
“No, that’s two things. I can speak perfectly intelligibly while heavily leaning into the accent. I just do both if I’m not in my head.”<br/>
“So if I hear you go full speech-impediment Scot, I’ll know you’re either sloshed or in a crisis.”<br/>
“Pretty much.”<br/>
“Useful.”<br/>
“Mhm.”, he pointed to the bottle. “And this is almost empty already.”<br/>
Ellie reached her hand out, but he stepped away, put the bottle to his lips and chugged the whole lot. It was childish and he knew it but riling up Ellie seemed worth the idiocy.<br/>
“Fine.”, Ellie said. “If you take my wine, I’m taking your whiskey.”<br/>
Accordingly, she picked up the whiskey bottle from the table and took a sip, pulling a face.<br/>
“And you’re not getting any of this with your fragile little heart. You’ve already had way too much wine. If I was your doctor, I’d slap you.”<br/>
Alec ignored her words, put the empty wine bottle aside, and was surprised that he stumbled when straightening up. Maybe the alcohol had already hit him harder than he had thought. When had they gotten here? Half an hour ago? Forty-five minutes? No more than that.<br/>
Ellie was busying herself with his shirt and tie again, rinsing the vinegar and instead now rubbing in the laundry detergent in vigorous motions. Alec stood next to her, leaning his head against the cabinet to stabilise himself.<br/>
Ellie snuck a quick glance at him. “You okay? You look a right mess.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“Very convincing.”<br/>
“I’m fine.”<br/>
“Sure.”, she worked some more on the shirt and tie, then rinsed them again, wrung them out and put them over the backrest of a chair. “Should be fine. You’re welcome, by the way.”<br/>
He didn’t say anything, just enjoyed how empty his mind was as he watched her move through his kitchen. When she picked up the whiskey and turned to him, his brain was lagging for a moment, realising he was staring at her like a buffoon.<br/>
“What?”, she said, frowning.<br/>
“Hm?”<br/>
“Why are you looking at me like that?”<br/>
“No, I – nothing, nothing. I just…”, he ran his hand over his face. “Okay, ye win: I’m drunk.”<br/>
“Yeah, in case you hadn’t noticed, the wine is gone. It was teamwork, but still.”<br/>
He made a dismissive gesture and walked past her out of the door. The night was cool and helped him relax more as he slumped down against the wall again, staring out over the canal.<br/>
“Back here, are we?”, Ellie sat next to him, the whiskey still in hand.<br/>
“Tis colder.”<br/>
“Too cold.”<br/>
“Na, tis just right.”<br/>
He heard her drink and had half a mind to just take the bottle from her but he knew the ¾ of a wine bottle worth of alcohol in him was more than enough to numb his mind once it was properly entering his system. Just give it a few more minutes.<br/>
He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall.<br/>
“Thanks fae coming.”, he said quietly.<br/>
“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re a sentimental drunk.”<br/>
“Ah’m no’.”<br/>
“You better not be.”<br/>
“Dae ye want me tae tell ye tae sod aff instead?”<br/>
“There’s a middle ground between being an emotional mess and plainly cold-hearted. Stay in the middle.”<br/>
“But if I act cold, I dinnae hae tae deal with people’s bullshit.”<br/>
“I really need to stop spending time with you. That attitude is going to rub off on me.”<br/>
“So?”<br/>
“You might be anti-social, but I actually enjoy having people around. You included. Sometimes.”<br/>
Her tone was sulky and a big swig from the bottle followed.<br/>
“You know what’s annoying me lately?”, Ellie said, her mouth still connected to the bottle’s opening.<br/>
“Enlighten me.”<br/>
“When I went out with Claire the other night – the first night, not the one when I came over here – I was so sure that it would help me to shag a stranger.”<br/>
“…whit?”, he frowned, already uncomfortable with the turn this conversation was taking.<br/>
“But it really didn’t help. Not one fucking bit. Only made it worse, I tell you.”<br/>
“Helped with whit exactly?”<br/>
“Getting over Joe. Being on my own again. Being single. Being independent. All that jazz.”<br/>
“Why wid haeing sex with a stranger help with that?”<br/>
“Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you’re single?”<br/>
“Nae that Ah’m aware.”<br/>
“Yeah but your opinion on this doesn’t count because it’s out of the question for you since you could never just charm a lady in one night. Or bloke. I don’t know what you’re into. Maybe both. At the same time.”, she snorted. “Hardy in a bisexual threesome, oh that’s rich.”<br/>
“Hilarious.”, he grumbled and slung his arms around himself.<br/>
“If you were gay – well, you couldn’t be, could you? Wife and kid. Bisexual then. If you were bisexual, you’d definitely be a bottom and you can’t convince me otherwise.”<br/>
He clenched his jaw, not answering. He just stared straight ahead, his grip around his own arm too tight.<br/>
“Why’ve you got a face like a slapped Nancy? You know I’m right. I’m so right. You’re scrawny, you have no ounce of confidence and you start crying or screaming every two seconds.”<br/>
“Stereotyping is homophobic.”, that was all he could come up with. It was true, sure, but it didn’t deny what she had said.<br/>
“I know that. I’m just saying you’re not the <em>type</em>.”<br/>
“Mhm. Sure. I take it that that implies if ye were tae hae sex with a woman, it’d be the opposite fae ye?”<br/>
“You’d like to know that, wouldn’t you?”, she nudged his arm. “Men and their fantasies about lesbians.”<br/>
“Ye’re the one talking aboot me gitting fucked by a man.” Saying that made him cringe but his anger covered it up. Anger was great in masking discomfort.<br/>
“Right, right, right. Let’s leave out the lass: Just you and a man. Has that happened? And be honest. I can tell when you’re lying.”<br/>
“Na, ye canny.”<br/>
“I absolutely can. Try me.”<br/>
He scoffed. “Ah’ve ne’er had sex with a man.”<br/>
She leaned closer, squinting her eyes at him. “Well, that’s boring.”<br/>
“I sincerely apologise fae ma preferences being boring tae ye.”<br/>
“You should.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“Ever kissed a man?”<br/>
“Na.”<br/>
“Oh, come on.”<br/>
“I haven’t.”<br/>
“My god, you are the blandest straight white man I’ve ever met.” She took a long sip after that as if needing to cleanse her palette from his blandness.<br/>
He shook his head. “Ye hae better diversions from the prototype tae offer then?”<br/>
“Well, I’ve kissed a woman before at least.”<br/>
“Me too.”<br/>
She laughed at that. It wasn’t all that funny, but she really laughed. “When was the last time you’ve kissed a woman then? Or had sex?”<br/>
“Ah’m nae answering that.”, he felt himself blush again. He didn’t mind how long it had been, but he knew how it would sound to others.<br/>
“Been a while, huh? Poor sap. How long? A year?”<br/>
He bit his tongue, keeping himself from snapping at her.<br/>
“You haven’t gotten close to anyone in all your time in Broadchurch, have you? Well, guess why.”<br/>
“Because e’eryone here is a nutcase.“<br/>
“Oh, please. Don’t act like you’re better than any of us just because you can’t get laid.”<br/>
“Maybe I didnae want tae git laid.”<br/>
She drew a sharp breath. “Oh, <em>really</em> been a while, eh? That’s why you’re so cranky all the time, innit?”<br/>
“Ah’m nae cranky.”, he noticed how hard he was rolling his Rs. It did lend his words a nice bite, but Ellie snorted and repeated his ‘cranky’ in a poor attempt to mimic him.<br/>
“Ah’m annoyed by yer stupidity.”, he added.<br/>
“Keep telling yourself that. Is that why you avoid pubs? Because of all the pretty ladies you’d like to take home who would all say no to you. Saving yourself the”, she gasped dramatically. “pain of rejection.”<br/>
“I dinnae go tae the pub because I dinnae like drunk people. Especially ones I canny even stand sober.”<br/>
“But you invited my voluntarily. Does that mean you like me?”, she moved closer, dropped her head on his shoulder. “Thank you very much, Hardy.”, she sort of swung her arm around his bent leg and hugged it. He didn’t like how close that brought her arm to his crotch. Even feeling her forearm press against the inside of his thigh made his stomach twist. Why were people like that? Why did they always have to touch others without seeing how intimate this would seem for someone – well, someone like him.<br/>
He pushed her arm away. Ellie looked at him and he almost thought she looked disappointed for a moment there.<br/>
“You still like me.”, she said grumpily and wrapped her arms around herself now.<br/>
He sighed, shaking his head as he lifted the bottle again.<br/>
“And you’re also a twat. Just so you don’t forget.”<br/>
“Thank ye.”<br/>
“You’re welcome. Since you don’t have a wife, someone has to remind you.”<br/>
“Believe it or no’, Tess didnae call me a twat.”<br/>
“Weird. Maybe that’s why she broke up with you. Because she was too polite to tell you to your face that you’re a twat.”<br/>
“How dae ye know I didnae break up with her?”<br/>
“By looking at you.”<br/>
He ignored the words, just kept staring into the distance. Silence was easier than talking. Ellie meanwhile just kept drinking, no more complaints about the whiskey.<br/>
“I’m cold.”, Ellie said.<br/>
“Go run a mile then.”<br/>
“Are you cold?”<br/>
“Na.”<br/>
She stood up, swaying a little. “Sit up.”, she told him.<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
“Just sit up, it’s not that hard.”<br/>
He sighed, straightened his back, so it wasn’t touching the wall anymore.<br/>
“Now move forward a bit.”<br/>
Alec scowled at her but knew better than to argue, so he just moved forward half a metre.<br/>
“Thank you kindly.”, Ellie climbed into the gap and sat down, then put her arm around his waist to pull him in. Essentially, he was sitting between her legs now, his back against her chest.<br/>
“Ah’m nae yer blanket.”<br/>
“You are now.”<br/>
He shook his head. Ellie drummed her fingers on his stomach. He smacked her wrist for that.<br/>
“You know what? I just wanted to annoy you, but I really am much warmer now.”<br/>
“Pay me fee fae ma heat.”<br/>
“Are you a heat prostitute then?”<br/>
“Na, Ah’m just a prostitute. Police work is ma part-time job.”<br/>
Ellie sighed. “I acknowledge that you’re trying to make jokes but your stupid drunk brain is not even remotely funny.”<br/>
“Yeah. Ah’m trying tae make ye disappear bit nae make it so obvious that ye’ll kill me by tellin’ ye tae fuck off.”<br/>
“I wouldn’t kill you. Dead bodies are cold and useless.”<br/>
“And now ye’re reducing me tae ma body, just like a proper prostitute.”<br/>
“You’re welcome, slag. Like I said, I could use a body right now.”<br/>
Her hand was on his leg again. The same thigh even. And he could feel her breath against his neck. He frowned. “Then why urr ye here?”<br/>
“What do you mean?”<br/>
“Why did ye agree tae git drunk with me here if ye actually wanted tae pick up some bloke instead?”<br/>
He heard her sigh, then the hand disappeared. “You’re awful, you know that?”<br/>
“Whit did I dae now?”<br/>
“Oh, you’re just stupid.”<br/>
He scoffed. “Great. Where’s the bottle?” He sat up properly again, moving away from Ellie in doing so. She handed it to him.<br/>
“Here, have it. I think I’m going to go now.”<br/>
“Really?”<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“Home?”<br/>
“Probably the pub first.”<br/>
He nodded. On her way to find a man. “Okay. See ye tomorrow then.”<br/>
“I’ll pick you up. I have to get my car back anyway.”<br/>
“Good.”<br/>
She nodded too and headed for the gate. Alec looked after her, sad to see her go.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a text this time. Just a text. Alec had been making himself dinner but frowned at the phone when the text came.<br/>
<em>Can I sleep over?</em><br/>
He had put the phone away, gone back to chopping his tomatoes. He hadn’t dared to even consider the possibility, so it was easier to just ignore it. But then his phone had buzzed again.<br/>
<em>Or you can come here.</em><br/>
He frowned, his thumbs hovering over the keyboard. Why was his instinct to immediately say Yes? That was worrisome.<br/>
<em>I'm busy right now.</em>, he wrote back.<br/>
<em>What with?</em><br/>
<em>Making dinner.<br/>
Make dinner here. Bring it over. Might actually taste good if I help you. </em><br/>
He stared at the half-finished salad. Ellie was right but he wasn’t sure whether that sufficed as an argument. He was nervous. But he knew what he wanted.<br/>
<em>Fine.</em>, he typed. <em>I’ll get a cab. </em></p><p>The door opened and Alec held the bowl out for Ellie.<br/>
She looked bemused. “Hello to you too.”<br/>
“Hi.”<br/>
She took the bowl from him, stepped back to let him come inside. Alec dropped his bag by the wall, then stripped off his jacket.<br/>
“You’re not wearing a suit? How scandalous.”, Ellie said as she walked past him, back into the kitchen. ‘Scandalous’ was relative. He was in a knit jumper, nothing special.<br/>
“It’s my day off.”<br/>
“You have those?”<br/>
“Yeah. Once a year.”<br/>
“And what’s in the bag?”, Ellie said while out of sight. “You never carry any bags with you.”<br/>
“Change of clothes. Toothbrush.”<br/>
“Ah. You’re prepared this time.”<br/>
He followed her but stayed by the door, leaning in the frame. “I distinctly remember you telling me last time that my coming over couldn’t have been spontaneous because I’d come prepared.”<br/>
“Clearly, I was wrong, or I wouldn’t have had to wash your clothes and watch you sit in my kitchen with no pants for hours.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“Anyway, this”, she pointed to the bowl. “is what you were going to eat? A salad?”<br/>
“Problem?”<br/>
“No, no. I wouldn’t voluntarily have that be my only food in a meal but whatever floats your boat.”<br/>
“I like salad.”, he muttered defensively. Ellie didn’t seem to hear it.<br/>
“I forgot to ask you yesterday.”, she said from the kitchen. “Did the stain come out?”<br/>
“Yeah. Surprisingly.”<br/>
“Good. I’m glad.”<br/>
“Me too.”<br/>
“Yeah, I’ve seen your closet before. Losing a shirt is basically losing half of your inventory.”<br/>
It was an exaggeration, but the point still stood. He really didn’t own a lot of clothes. He didn’t see why he should.<br/>
“But I’m still mad at you for not having a hangover. I was in hell yesterday morning and you just lived your life like nothing had happened.”<br/>
“I went to bed right after you left.”<br/>
“I should’ve done that too.”<br/>
He shrugged, running his thumb along the cracking paint on the doorframe. “Have you had dinner yet?”<br/>
“Yeah. Made Yorkshire puddings earlier. I have some leftover; do you want one?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“Right, of course you don’t.”, she opened her fridge and took out a pack of mozzarella cheese. “That okay? You need some fats.”<br/>
“Sure.”<br/>
“Wow. Didn’t expect you to say Yes.”<br/>
He shrugged again. She looked amused. “Is that your current mood? Shruggy?”<br/>
“Stop talking, would you?”<br/>
“Absolutely not. I’m just getting started.”<br/>
He averted his eyes, not feeling up for an argument. And if he was being quite honest, he wouldn’t mind having Ellie’s incessant flow of conversation distract him for a while.<br/>
“What did you do today?”, she said while taking out a knife and poking the mozzarella pack to drain it in the sink.<br/>
“Having small talk now, are we?”<br/>
“We’ve known each other for almost a year now. I think we’ve reached the point where we can have small talk without it being weird.”<br/>
“I disagree.”<br/>
“I take it you haven’t made any friends since I left, have you?”<br/>
“Why would I? I’m still recovering from having worked with you.”<br/>
“Oh”, she started chopping the cheese and the rest of the vegetables Alec hadn’t gotten around to yet. “you have no idea how much I loathed working with you when we started out on Danny’s case.”<br/>
“No, I can imagine. And Joe confirmed it.”<br/>
“Joe?”<br/>
There was an edge to her voice now and Alec already regretted bringing him up.<br/>
“No, it’s nothing. Sorry.”, he cleared his throat. “And I don’t hate working with you. Not completely. I wouldn’t have asked you for help if I did.”<br/>
“I know. Not everybody is as emotionally stunted as you. I am, in fact, able to pick up on emotions and changes in them.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
His eyes wandered across the room, trying to look for a distraction from the tedious conversation and promptly found one. He cocked his head. “What happened to your bag?”<br/>
It was draped over the table, but the strap was loose and not attached to one end of the bag anymore.<br/>
“Ugh”, Ellie said. “got stuck on a bloody park bench when I got up. Tore the strap right off. Not my day.”<br/>
“Ah.”<br/>
Ellie shot him a look over her shoulder. “Thanks for the sympathy.”<br/>
“There, there.”, he said drily.<br/>
“Impeccable.”, she turned away again and dumped the chopped vegetables back into the bowl. “And I really am having a shit day. In case you care.”<br/>
“I don’t not care.”, he muttered but judging by the lack of a reaction, he was guessing she hadn’t heard it. “Because of a bag?”, he added more loudly.<br/>
“Not just because of a bag. That was just the last nail in the coffin.”<br/>
“What was the rest?”<br/>
He could see her smirk. Was it really that surprising to her that he might want to know why she was feeling bad?<br/>
“I thought you didn’t want small-talk.”<br/>
“That’s not small-talk.”<br/>
“Alright. Well, I went to see my son and he refused to speak to me and left the room as soon as my sister didn’t block the door anymore. That was pretty shit.”<br/>
“Hm.”<br/>
“See, that sounds much more like you than ‘Tell me about your day’.”<br/>
He let out a sigh.<br/>
“Was it like that when Daisy heard about what had happened with your case?”<br/>
Yes. It had been like that. Daisy had stopped talking to him and when he had tried to start up one last conversation before he had moved out, she had told him that she hated him. Not an ounce of exaggeration in her voice.<br/>
“I don’t want to talk about it.”, he said.<br/>
“Sensitive subject?”, Ellie poured all kinds of things into the bowl as a dressing, then put the salad on the table and got a fork and plate for Alec.<br/>
“Very.”, he took the fork but not the plate; he just grabbed the bowl instead.<br/>
Ellie shrugged. “Bon appetit.”<br/>
They sat down across from each other at the table and Alec started eating.<br/>
“Anyway, another thing that was shit today: After the meeting with Tom, I went for a walk by the shore and I twisted my ankle and fell and slammed my shoulder into a park bench. Took a rest on that bench afterwards and when I got up, my bag tore. Brilliant, innit?”<br/>
“Did you get hurt?”, he shoved a bite into his mouth and had to admit that it was more flavourful than he could’ve made it.<br/>
“Not really. My shoulder hurts a bit but that’s it.”<br/>
Alec nodded slowly, taking another bite.<br/>
“Just to be sure: You’re here to stay, right?”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“Good.”<br/>
“Is it?”<br/>
“Yeah. You make a good pillow and I need that tonight.”<br/>
“I didn’t say anything about touching.”<br/>
“Wasn’t that the rule? If one of us feels like shit, they get a hug?”<br/>
He physically cringed. Ellie grinned. “What, is that too dainty for you?”<br/>
“It sounds awful said out loud.”, he mumbled through a mouthful.<br/>
“But you like it while it’s happening.”<br/>
“Miller”, he said dryly. “You’re the one who asked me to come here. I have no issue leaving again. None at all.”<br/>
Ellie made a dismissive gesture. “Sorry. I’d like it if you stayed.”<br/>
He nodded. Silently, Ellie watched him stuff more salad into his mouth until the bowl was empty.<br/>
“Full?”, Ellie said.<br/>
He nodded again.<br/>
“Lovely. You can put the stuff in the dishwasher.”, she left the kitchen and Alec did as he was told. Once done, he followed her into the bedroom where Ellie was sitting on the ledge of the bed.<br/>
“Bed or not yet?”<br/>
“Bed.”, he said and grabbed his bag, taking it with him into the bathroom. He took his time changing his clothes and brushing his teeth. Somehow, he felt more awkward this time. Maybe because he knew exactly what was coming. The last times could be argued to have been a spur of the moment thing but not this. Ellie had invited him over so they could both sleep in her bed. There was no mistaking that. That was what made it so silly.<br/>
Alec went back into the bedroom and dropped his bag by the bed. Ellie had already been dressed for bed when he had arrived, so she had snuck under the blankets during his time in the bathroom. She was still sitting up though, rubbing her shoulder.<br/>
“I’m starting to think I really pulled something.”, she said as way of explanation.<br/>
Alec sat down next to her, watched as she tried to massage the area, then silently pushed her hand away and started pressing his thumb against her shoulder-blade, moving it in circular motions. Ellie sighed deeply.<br/>
“That’s nice.”<br/>
With that validation, Alec grabbed her shoulders properly and gave her a more balanced massage, not just focusing on one spot but moving from her back to her shoulders and arms.<br/>
“You’re good at that.”, Ellie said.<br/>
“So I’ve been told.”<br/>
“I would not have guessed that by looking at you.”<br/>
“Is that insult?”<br/>
“Why would that be an insult?”<br/>
“Sounds like one.”<br/>
“It’s a compliment.”<br/>
“I haven’t done this in a while. I used to be better.”<br/>
“Good enough for me.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“You’ve got strong hands.”<br/>
“No, it’s just placement and pressure and rhythm.”<br/>
“Oh wow, you really know how to do this. It’s not just a God-given talent or me being easy to impress.”<br/>
“Taught myself when Tess was pregnant. It’s all practice.”<br/>
“Well, tell your wife I’m thankful.”<br/>
“She’s not my wife.”<br/>
“Right, sorry. Ex-wife.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“I suppose you wouldn’t be here if you were still married. That would be weird.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“Not that this is weird.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
He moved his hands to her neck, working his thumbs along the end of her spine and the muscles attached to it. Ellie exhaled deeply and Alec felt her muscles relax a little.<br/>
“Tell me when to stop.”, he said.<br/>
“If it’s up to me, you’re going to be doing that all night.”<br/>
“You’ll owe me for this.”<br/>
“I already made you dinner.”<br/>
“No, you finished my dinner.”<br/>
“Same difference.”<br/>
“I disagree.”<br/>
“Okay, let’s just make a deal then: If you ever pull a muscle, you’ll get a massage from me.”<br/>
“I don’t want a massage from you.”<br/>
“You don’t?”<br/>
“With that temper, you’ll break my ribcage like a giant stepping on an old wicker basket.”<br/>
“You don’t know that.”<br/>
“I’m confident.”<br/>
“I have perfectly dexterous fingers.”<br/>
“You have the hands of a black-market nutcracker.”<br/>
She grabbed one of his wrists and turned around to look at him in amusement mixed with slight offense. “A black-market nutcracker?”<br/>
“Aye.”<br/>
“What does that even mean?”<br/>
“You know what that means.”<br/>
Ellie shook her head. “Alright, turn around.”<br/>
“Am I done?”<br/>
“No, the massage is on pause, you’re going to continue in a bit.”<br/>
“Am I?”<br/>
“Turn around.”<br/>
She grabbed him by the shoulders and directed him to turn his back to her. Alec sat down cross-legged. Her hands rested on his shoulders, warming him through his shirt, then they slowly wandered down his back, her thumbs bopping up and down as they followed his spine.<br/>
“I know you’re trying to prove that you’re not an out of work blacksmith but that’s not a massage.”, Alec said.<br/>
“Have I upgraded from nutcracker to blacksmith?”<br/>
“That’s not an upgrade.”<br/>
“I think it is.”<br/>
“<em>Delusional</em> blacksmith on dole who sells black-market nutcrackers on the side.”<br/>
“You’re so not funny.”<br/>
“Well aware.”<br/>
“And you’ve got a spine like a werewolf.”<br/>
Alec frowned, confused. “Okay.”<br/>
Her hands stopped on his lower back, then her thumbs rubbed against both sides of his spine. It probably would’ve felt nice if Alec had actually wanted her to touch him. Like this, it only added to the awkwardness and discomfort.<br/>
Silently, he reached around, caught her wrists, and pushed them back up to his shoulders. With little scoff, Ellie squeezed his shoulders, then properly rubbed them, rhythmically working her fingers against him.<br/>
“You don’t have a single gram of fat or muscle on you. Look at this, you’re all bones and tendons.”<br/>
“Okay, hands off.”, he turned back around and met Ellie’s eyes. She was on her knees in front of him.<br/>
“One more word about me being thin and I’m leaving.”<br/>
Ellie rolled her eyes. “Sorry.”<br/>
“Do you want me to continue or can I go to sleep?”<br/>
“If you put it like that, I can’t not send you to sleep, can I?”<br/>
“I didn’t mean –”, he bit his tongue. “I can continue. No problem.”<br/>
She smiled, brushed her hand over his leg. “No, it’s fine. Thank you, by the way. That was nice. And unexpected.”<br/>
Alec nodded, then moved to lie down under the covers. Ellie joined him and pulled his arm around her without a word. She was holding his hand quite tightly as she shifted until her back was pressed against Alec’s chest and even then, she didn’t let it go entirely. Alec wriggled out to the grip to properly intertwine their fingers. Ellie seemed to approve, her thumb brushing over his hand.<br/>
He wasn’t comfortable though. He let go of her hand, moved away half an arm-length from Ellie and then took her hand again.<br/>
“What is that supposed to tell me?”, Ellie said.<br/>
“Too warm.”<br/>
“Since when?”<br/>
“Since now.”<br/>
“Fine. No hug then. But I’m keeping your hand.”<br/>
“Sure.”<br/>
“Good. And don’t even think about disappearing tomorrow before I wake up.”<br/>
“I won’t. That was just one time.”<br/>
“Just making sure.”, Ellie pulled their hands up and pressed a kiss on the back of his.<br/>
Alec roughly pulled both hands back down. “Don’t be cute with me. Piss off.”<br/>
“Weren’t you supposed to make me feel better?”<br/>
“Did I sign a contract?”<br/>
“How about decency?”<br/>
“Ugh.”<br/>
“Go on, say something nice.”, she squeezed his hand.<br/>
“I’m not a child.”<br/>
“You’re acting like one, so I’m treating you like one.”<br/>
“Fine. Sorry. You want to hear something nice? That’s on you. This is an awful time and it won’t get better until the trial is over.”<br/>
“Fantastic.”, Ellie snapped and let go of his hand.<br/>
“It’s just the truth.”<br/>
“But you didn’t need to say that.”<br/>
Fair point. He knew he was being harsh and usually, Ellie was used to it but maybe right now wasn’t the best time for such comments.<br/>
“Sorry.”<br/>
“Just shut up and go to sleep.”<br/>
“I didn’t mean to make it worse. I didn’t think about – I just didn’t think at all. Just because I see things prosaically doesn’t mean you need to. Sorry.”<br/>
“I don’t even know why I expected anything other than cynicism from you.”<br/>
Alec pursed his lips, then put his arms around himself for comfort. “Is that what I am to you? Just a cynic?”<br/>
“A cynical pillow with mood swings.”<br/>
“And a werewolf spine.”<br/>
“Exactly.”, the smile was evident in her voice. “You’re a cynical pillow with mood swings, a werewolf spine, and very talented hands; and I’m a blacksmith on  –”<br/>
“Right, got it.”, Alec chimed in. He wasn’t the type for that kind of silliness. It bothered him but he didn’t say that out loud. He didn’t want to upset Ellie even more. Because really, she didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of the awful things happening in her life. And she didn’t deserve having to put up with Alec, which made him even more glad that she did.<br/>
They both stayed silent and Alec hoped he would just fall asleep quickly. He didn’t want to risk putting down Ellie’s mood again, be it on purpose or not.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Was there a timeframe for when things were supposed to start taking clearer shapes? Or a checklist maybe? Just something to tell Ellie how to handle this. Whatever ‘this’ was. <br/>She frowned, her eyes losing their focus on Alec’s face as they narrowed. <br/>He certainly wouldn't know. He was socially inept as it was, so it could only be worse when it came to intimacy. Maybe he was already waiting for her to start it. Too proud to make the move himself. Or too cowardly. Probably both. <br/>Ellie ran her eyes over his neck and shoulders, the rest of him hidden underneath the blanket. <br/>This whole ‘thing’ had already been going on for way too long. She had never slept in the same bed as someone this often without it getting physical. As was customary. That was usually the way it was supposed to go. If you sleep next to a man, you sleep with him too. Except for some extraordinary situations but those don’t happen that many times in a row and definitely not when you’re middle-aged. <br/>Alec hadn’t even tried to touch her last night. Not even a hug. Not even taking her hand – which seemed to be something he genuinely liked to do. Probably because it involved the least amount of physical contact. <br/>She closed her eyes, exhaling deeply. <br/>Physical contact was the next logical step. They were already sleeping together in the literal sense. Why not do it in the colloquial meaning too? It would definitely help with all the stress. God, she could really use a good shag. An actually good one with someone she actually liked. Not like that drunk geezer Claire had found her. She gulped at the memory. The disgust she had felt as soon as the man had been in bed with her. <br/>She opened her eyes, looked at Alec again. He was different at least. She liked feeling his body against hers, even with clothes between them. In fact, she had been disappointed when there had been no cuddling last night. It was almost like they were alternating between physical contact and no physical contact every time one of them stayed over. No cuddling last night but cuddling last weekend. Only on Sunday though, not on Saturday. Or when Alec had brought over that sad bowl of salad about a week ago. <br/>Oh god, she thought. How many times had she already slept with him? It was about time that they changed things up. That they finally got it out of their system. Who knows, maybe they both wouldn’t like it very much and then they could move on. But maybe they would love it. Maybe she would stay in his bed every night from now on and they would help each other forget the world for a while. The thought sounded nice. Comforting. The prospect of having someone with her again. <br/>She felt an urge to touch him and reached out her hand, searching for his under the blanket. Her hand landed on his chest, then moved to his arm and amused and bemused alike, she realised he was hugging himself while sleeping. But now he stirred, opened his eyes. Ellie pulled back her hand and sat up, pretending to have been on the verge of getting out of bed anyway. Casually, she glanced at him, as if only just noticing that he was waking up, but he had already closed his eyes again and now turned onto his other shoulder, his back to her. <br/>Ellie pursed her lips, slightly annoyed at him. Just slightly. <br/>She was more annoyed with his disability to communicate properly. Maybe he was already waiting for her to give him the okay for it. Or maybe that window of opportunity had already passed and soon, he would stop letting her sleep over. Back to business as usual. If that was even possible. <br/>She scrambled out of bed, stretching her arms and legs. With a big yawn, she went into the kitchen but immediately took a step back into the bedroom when she saw a figure through the window. Carefully, she looked around the corner and recognised Lee, who was standing in the front yard, his back to the house as he typed on his phone.<br/>Ellie went over to the bed, tapped Alec’s arm. “You need to wake up.”<br/>He groaned but didn’t move.<br/>“Lee’s here. Get up.”<br/>She threw back the blanket, tossing it off the bed and grabbed Alec’s arms, pulling on them. <br/>Groggily, Alec sat up, his eyes still half-closed. “Hm…?”, he muttered.<br/>“Lee Ashworth is at your front door.”<br/>Now he lifted his head, looking properly at Ellie. “Lee?”<br/>“Yes, now move.”<br/>He pushed her hands away and climbed out of the bed, tottering as he made his way to the living room. Ellie leaned against the wall right next to the door, so she could listen without being seen.<br/>The door opened with a creak and Alec spoke. <br/>“Whit urr ye daein’ here?”<br/>“Morning. I was about to ring the bell. Can I come in?”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“To talk.”<br/>“Whit about?”<br/>“You’ll see.”<br/>A big sigh from Alec, then footsteps and scraping chairs. <br/>“Did you just wake up?”, Lee went on.<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“You sound like it.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Tired?”<br/>“Can you just get on with it?”<br/>“I wanted to bring you the folder back and apologise formally for getting physical.”<br/>“For punching me repeatedly while I was already on the verge of passing out.”<br/>“Yes. That. Not that you didn’t provoke me.”<br/>“Keep telling yourself that. You still assaulted a police officer.”<br/>“Are you going to press charges then?”<br/>“I won’t but only under one condition.”<br/>“That is?”<br/>“Leave me alone. You only talk to me when I ask you something.”<br/>A beat. <br/>“Seems fair.”, Lee said. There was a thud, so Ellie assumed he had dropped the folder on the table. “Not that you have any proof anyway.”<br/>“I have a witness.”<br/>“And you think Claire would side with you over me? Don’t be ridiculous. You’re just a meat shield for her. Just useful. But she doesn’t need you anymore because I’ll take care of her. Got that?”<br/>“Stay away from her.”, Alec’s voice was ice cold, but Lee remained unimpressed.<br/>“We’ll see.”<br/>A chair scraping. <br/>“Let me know if you need more insight on anything in the folder.”<br/>“Won’t happen.”<br/>Complete silence. Footsteps. The door. A big sigh from Alec.<br/>Ellie carefully peered around the corner. “Is he gone?”<br/>“Why would you ask that if you had any inkling that he wasn’t?”, Alec said, already walking towards her.<br/>“You okay?”, she asked him. He did look stressed. Not that she blamed him. This really wasn’t a nice way to be woken up. <br/>He gave a short nod. Ellie eyed him up in pity. For her, this was just a case she needed to solve. For Alec, it was personal on too many levels.<br/>Gently, she pulled him in for a hug, but he stepped away. “Don’t.”<br/>“Your mood-swings are irritating.”<br/>He turned his back on her, heading back into the kitchen to fill the kettle. “Rule of thumb: If I’m standing up, don’t touch me.”<br/>Ellie looked at him in annoyance. “Seriously?”<br/>He shrugged. Without any second thoughts, Ellie walked up to him and slung her arms around his waist from behind. He stiffened up. <br/>“Didn’t –”, Alec began, but Ellie cut him off. <br/>“Get used to it.”<br/>“I’m going to burn myself.”<br/>“You’re an adult; you can pour hot water without burning yourself.”<br/>She felt the sigh more than she heard it. Gingerly, she buried her face in his back, enjoying the warmth.<br/>“Make one for me too.”, she added.<br/>“Your hands are cold.”<br/>“Is that your next argument to get me off of you?”<br/>“Not working?”<br/>“No. But I’ll be nice.”, she stepped back from him and sat at the table instead. “I know you’ll be hand-tame tonight anyway.”<br/>She could see Alec pull a face. Admittedly, the wording was a little questionable. Maybe a bit more suggestive than she had meant for it to sound. <br/>Alec finished making tea in silence, then sat down at the table with Ellie, bringing her a cup as well. <br/>“What are you going to do about Lee?”, Ellie asked him.<br/>“Nothing.”<br/>“How so?”<br/>“If he keeps trying to get involved, he’ll give himself away eventually. So he’ll either stop on his own now that I’ve told him to stay away, or he won’t and something else is going to surface.”<br/>“That’s not for certain. You’re just guessing.”<br/>“What else am I supposed to do?”<br/>“You could’ve filed a report when he beat your face into a pulp.”<br/>“Don’t be dramatic. He gave me a black eye, it’s not like he tried to kill me. Just a scuffle.”<br/>“Well, that doesn’t mean he won’t hurt you again. Or someone else.”<br/>Alec sighed. “The best thing we can do is solving the case. Then we won’t have to worry about him anyway.”<br/>“Right. I suppose so.”<br/>“We’re going to get there, Miller.”<br/>She nodded but she wasn’t convinced. She hoped they would solve it, of course. But everything was so convoluted and interconnected, she couldn’t see any of it clearly yet. Some things were just not making sense. And her mind wasn’t in the right place either, being preoccupied with the trial and whatever this thing she had with Alec was. They might solve it. That’s how she would put it. Alec’s conviction was motivating though. The passion behind his need to get retribution. Worrisome, yes. But also motivating. He deserved to put it all behind him and Ellie would do everything in her power to help him get there. Preferably while clearing her head by sleeping with him and finally getting all of that tension out of her system.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec stared out of the window while Ellie steered the car down the lonesome road. There was something that bothered him. Something that even freaked him out a little bit. <br/>Over the past two weeks, Ellie had spent nine nights at his place and he two at hers. That was all good and well. But the past couple of nights, something had shifted. They had gone from just sleeping next to each other and sometimes hugging if one of them (or both for that matter) felt awful. But now Ellie would just do it without prompting. Without reason. Every night, they’d cuddle. Because that’s what it was: Not hugging. Cuddling. He just didn’t want to admit it by saying it out loud but they both knew it. The intimacy of the word just scared him. And every time he woke up and she was there, he panicked. He didn’t know what this was. Or what to think of it. Why Ellie was doing it. And why he was going along with it. It wasn’t like it had anything to do with romance. Or any sort of intimacy, really. Did people do that? Just stay over for no reason and fall asleep in each other’s arms? No., he reminded himself. No, they fucking don’t. That’s what was worrying him. He didn’t know what to call it. Or where the line was. <br/>“What exactly did Claire text you?”<br/>Alec startled when Ellie suddenly broke the silence. <br/>He pulled out his phone and read. “Lee’s at my door. I’ll tell him to go away.”<br/>“Right. Did you answer her anything or just radio silence per usual?”<br/>“I’ll answer her in person when we get there.”<br/>“You could just tell her that.”<br/>“She’ll be fine.”<br/>“Yeah, but she’s probably worried.”<br/>Alec didn’t bother responding to that. So what if she was worried? He had things to worry about too and nobody was going to send him reassuring updates. </p><p>No reaction to the knock on the door. Ellie was getting stressed. <br/>“Something’s wrong.”, she muttered. <br/>Silently, Alec pulled out his keys and unlocked the door himself. <br/>“You have keys to the cottage?”<br/>“Security.”<br/>He walked in and carefully looked around. “Claire?”<br/>He could hear rumbling in the other room and instinctively started running. Barely around the corner, he crashed into Lee. <br/>“Bloody –”<br/>He was shirtless. Sweaty. He stared at Alec with a dangerous flicker in his eyes. Alec forced himself to keep his eyes upwards of his neck. <br/>“Watch where you’re going.”<br/>“What the hell are you –?”, Alec cut himself off when he spotted Claire two steps behind Lee. She was pulling a cardigan on and guiltily looked at the ground instead of at Alec. <br/>“What’s going on?”, he heard Ellie say right beside him. <br/>“Just spending some time with my wife. What’s it to you?”<br/>Alec clenched his teeth. Fucking imbeciles. <br/>“Miller, be so kind and make sure Lee finds his way out. And you”, he walked past Lee and grabbed Claire’s arm. “are coming with me.”<br/>“Oy!”, he felt Lee’s hand close tightly around his shoulder. “How about you take a step back and sort yourself out before you snap at my wife?”<br/>“Get your hands off him, Lee.”, Ellie told him sharply. <br/>“I’ll let him go if he lets her go.”<br/>Alec dropped his arm, glaring at Lee. Lee gave his shoulder a hearty squeeze that, Alec was sure, was going to leave a bruise, then the hand disappeared, and Lee stepped away from Alec. <br/>“Lee. Would you please?”, Ellie said politely. Her composure was remarkable. Lee shrugged, put his shirt back on. <br/>“Hardy.”, he said. “Have you found anything yet? Anything new?”<br/>“We’ll let you know when we’re done. Or when we need information.”, Alec said drily.<br/>“Right. Ta.”<br/>While Alec was still turned away, Claire spun around and headed back up the stairs. <br/>“Claire!”, Alec called after her. “Take care of him.”, he told Ellie, then hurried after Claire. <br/>He found her in the bedroom. Trying to force himself to stay calm, he closed the door and walked up to her. “Care to explain?”<br/>“Like you don’t know.”<br/>“Oh, do I? Do I know you sent me a panicked text that Lee was at your door and half an hour later you were having sex with him?”<br/>“So what?”<br/>He scoffed. “So what? That’s your answer?”<br/>“What, were you hoping for details?”, she brushed her hand over his shoulder, up to the back of his neck. “Are you keen to know what positions we did it in, too? I can show you if you’d like. I’m sure that’s somehow relevant to your investigation.”<br/>“Why did you let him in?”<br/>She sighed dramatically and turned away. “I don’t know. I never know with Lee. He’s just…he’s just Lee. I can’t explain it.”<br/>“Get a grip. I can’t help you if you act like this.”<br/>She looked at him over her shoulder but didn’t say anything. <br/>“Do you want my help or do you want Lee?”<br/>Her expression shifted and she walked over to Alec again, standing way too close now. “Oh, is that your problem with this? Are you jealous?”<br/>“Why would I be jealous?”<br/>“I don’t know. You tell me, love.”<br/>He scowled at her, not in the mood to put up with stupidity like this. She didn’t move away though. In fact, Alec could’ve sworn she was still moving in on him. <br/>“I know”, she went on. “you probably haven’t had a good shag in a while but that doesn’t mean us normal people have to commit to abstinence too.”<br/>“Told him I’d make sure myself to keep him away from –”, Ellie hesitated when she saw Claire with Alec. <br/>“Good.”, Alec said. <br/>Claire looked from him to Ellie and back, silent now. <br/>“Don’t let it happen again.”, Alec told her. <br/>Claire put on a fake smile. “Thanks anyway, Alec.”<br/>They stared at each other, daringly. Then Claire shook her head and left the room.<br/>“What was that?”, Ellie said, closing the door behind Claire so she was alone with Alec. <br/>“She’s trying to rile me up because I’m taking it seriously and she’s not.”<br/>“She has some nerves; I have to give her that. No wonder though, with you being the only constant in life.”<br/>He ignored the comment. “Get the files from the car, we’ll do some work here. I’m not leaving. Lee’s probably going to come back later.”<br/>“Yes, Sir.”, she headed back into the hallway. <br/>“Stop calling me Sir.”<br/>“Will do, Sir.”<br/>He followed her downstairs but headed into the kitchen while she went outside. He took off his jacket and dropped it over the chair, then exhaled deeply, trying to calm his still elevated pulse. <br/>“Actually”, he heard Ellie say when she came back, two thick folders in her hands. “do you think we should just stay over?”<br/>“What? Why?”, he took one of the folders from her and opened it on the table, shuffling through the pages. His mind was all over the place, unable to focus on the content of the file. <br/>“We had been planning to talk to some employees from that agricultural service –”<br/>“Thorp.”<br/>“Thorp, yeah. And we agreed that it’s best to do that early in the morning to catch them off guard. If we stay over, we don’t have to drive as long, and we can also make sure that Lee doesn’t drop by again. Win-win.”<br/>“Great. Might as well move in to provide the full babysitting service for a grown woman who can’t cope without sleeping with her husband who may or may not be a child murderer.”<br/>“It was just an idea.”, Ellie said. She sat down, looking at the mess Alec had already made of the first folder. <br/>“I’m just fed up with Claire going back and forth between needing protection and being scared of Lee and then just letting him in like it’s nothing.”<br/>“Tell Lee to stay away then. Get a restraining order. You could get one, he physically hurt you.”<br/>“What good would that do? I’m barely ever here and it would only apply to me.”<br/>“I thought you wanted some room for interactions between them anyway?”<br/>Alec sighed, unbuttoning his sleeves and rolling them up to his elbows. “We can’t have it both ways.”<br/>“It’s not really up to you. It’s up to Claire whether she wants to continue meeting him.”<br/>“Yeah, well, she doesn’t know shit.”<br/>There was a pause, then Ellie said “You look good like that, you know?”<br/>He looked at her, thinking he’d misheard. “What?”<br/>“Rolled up sleeves. Looks good on you. Less tense.”<br/>He nodded slowly, looking down at his arms. The only thing that caught his attention was a speck of dandruff. <br/>Ellie chuckled. “And it’s nice when you’re all flustered. Reminds me that you’re human.”<br/>Alec scoffed, trying to keep himself from blushing. “I’m not <em>flustered</em>. Piss off.”<br/>He could see Ellie was about to add something else but closed her mouth again when Claire walked in. <br/>She smiled, looking from Alec to Ellie and back. “What are you so happy about?”<br/>“Nothing.”, Ellie said. “Just having a laugh about nothing.”<br/>Alec turned back to the pages scattered on the table but couldn’t help hesitating when he looked down and saw his own arms. He knew that the comment had merely been meant as a random compliment, but it still felt inappropriate to him. <br/>“Actually”, Ellie said. “would you mind if Hardy and I stayed over for the night? We have something to do in the area tomorrow morning and this would shorten our drive.”<br/>Alec felt Claire’s eyes on him. “Oh, slumber party?”, her tone was awful. “Been a while since you regularly stayed over, hasn’t it, Alec?”<br/>He didn’t respond, just kept his eyes on the paper. She was right of course. It had been a while since he had decided that Claire was good to get by on her own for the time being. He didn’t see why that would matter though. Apart from her trying to give him a guilty conscience, of course.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie couldn’t sleep. She was cold. The window was cracked, and she couldn’t close it because the air had been too stuffy in the guest bedroom to sleep there without an open window. But now she was cold. <br/>She sighed, rolled onto her side, and stared at the ceiling. She knew what would help. Or what she wanted to help. But she couldn’t do that, obviously. Not here. <br/>But couldn’t she? Why not? Claire was asleep and Alec was an early bird, he’d be up before Claire would notice a thing. <br/>So, couldn’t she just…? Just for a little while. Just to stop feeling cold. <br/>She got off the bed, carefully made her way downstairs to the living room. Everything was weirdly bright, like in a misty parallel world where nights are not dark but only colourless and she had to be careful not to trip. That would certainly get everyone’s attention. <br/>Alec was on the couch, curled up, his face hidden in one of his arms. The thin blanket had almost completely fallen off him and his legs had no space on the couch. <br/>Ellie tapped on his arm. “Hardy.”<br/>He didn’t move. She shook him. “Hardy!”<br/>Now he was awake. Alarmed, he rolled onto his back and looked up at her. “What? What’s gaun on?”<br/>Ellie didn’t know how to put it without sounding stupid. She grabbed his wrist, pulled on it. “Come with me.”<br/>“Did som’in’ happen?”<br/>He sat up, let her pull him off the couch until his feet were on the floor and his back cracked when he straightened up. <br/>“No. Everything’s fine.”, Ellie led him up the stairs, holding his hand and hoping to god he’d not make a scene out of it. Maybe it was due to him being tired, but he only seemed to catch on when she closed the door behind them. <br/>“What are you doing?”, he whispered. <br/>“Don’t. Just –”, she let him go, climbed back into bed. No more words. He knew what she meant, so he’d either do it or not but there was no need to <em>talk</em>. That only made it uncomfortable. <br/>Alec just stood there. Maybe he was arguing with himself. He looked at the door, and a moment later, he joined Ellie. She smiled. Immediately, it was warmer underneath the blanket. It was a single bed, so two people made it rather crowded but that wasn’t an issue. If anything, it helped. Alec lay on his shoulder, his back turned to her. She knew it wasn’t meant to distance himself from her. It was an invitation. Ellie moved over, wrapped her arms around him from behind and let her head fall against the back of his. Her cheek was pressed against his hair. It was so soft in comparison to the beard. Much more pleasant. <br/>“Thank you.”, she mumbled.<br/>He didn’t respond. But he did put his hand on hers where it lay on his chest. Now she was warm. Warm and cosy. <br/>She could hear his breathing. Right now, it was still a little aggravated, but it was slowing down already. She could feel his body against hers. The warmth, the proximity. It was wonderful. It comforted her. It calmed her. <br/>Ellie smiled, glad to have dragged him here. Glad to have him with her. Absentmindedly, she let her free hand brush through his hair a little. Just lightly. Not enough to annoy him. <br/>It was nice to be able to touch someone again. To touch <em>him</em>. She was past pretending that this wasn’t at least somewhat about him. Why else did she feel this persistent urge to slip her hands under his clothes? She wanted to feel him, see him. See how his bones and muscles and tendons moved underneath his skin. <br/>She shook her head, pulling Alec closer against her. This was not the time to think about that. She needed to sleep. Needed to be fresh and rested tomorrow morning. Alec seemed to have gone back to sleep already. <br/>Ellie lifted her head a little, caught a glimpse of his face. He looked relaxed. No frown lines, no grumpy expression. Just a pretty face. <br/><em>‘Pretty’ you say?</em><br/>She put her head back down against the back of his. <br/>Was that true? Did she think him to be pretty? Well, he wasn’t ugly. He had his good days. His pretty days. Like right now. And that wasn’t her fault, it was an objective thing. Probably. <br/>She sighed. Alec stirred. Maybe his ears were ticklish. Being ticklish really wouldn’t fit his image. He barely laughed anyway. <br/>Ellie snuck her free hand to his hip now, settled it just around the waistband. There was a reason behind that specific position: Alec’s shirt had slipped up the slightest little bit and now her thumb was resting on his naked skin. It felt naughty in a way.<br/>But it made her smile. She exhaled deeply again, preparing herself to fall asleep too. Slowly. She needed to enjoy the warmth a little longer before that. </p>
<p><em>Naughty.</em>, Claire thought. She couldn’t pretend to be surprised but it was satisfying to know how right she had been. Her spidey-senses were trustworthy after all. <br/>Still, it stung a little. This reassurance that something was going on. It made her think. Wonder. <br/>She heard Ellie move. Just a little. Probably even closer to him than she already was. <br/>Claire pulled out her phone and quietly snapped a picture of the scene from where she was leaning in the door. It was dark but not too dark, so some details should show up on the image. And while she wondered why she was even taking a picture, she realised something. She had a plan. A goal. Selfish and mean but still a goal. A target. <br/>She set an alarm clock on her phone for five. Should be early enough to catch them. For now, she would let them sleep. Let them be naughty. She was too tired to get into a fight right now.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec didn’t want to open his eyes when he woke up. He wanted to stay exactly where he was and not let anything ruin the moment. Ellie’s arms were holding him so tightly, he wasn’t quite sure if she was asleep. He hoped she was. If she noticed he was awake, she would send him away, back to the couch. Back into hiding. <br/>Alec exhaled deeply, knowing that the sooner he left, the better. They weren’t at either of their respective homes after all. This was much riskier. <br/>He gently squeezed Ellie’s hand, just for himself, then he opened his eyes and felt shock flood his body. Claire was sitting right across from him at the desk, a cuppa in hand, and watched him. She smiled when their eyes met. <br/>“Morning.”, she whispered. <br/>Alec was paralysed. They were fucked. So fucked. <br/>“Do you want some tea?”, Claire said. She stood up. Her demeanour was warm and casual, but he had a feeling this was just a polite way of telling him to get downstairs right now. <br/>He freed himself of Ellie’s arms without waking her up, and climbed out of the bed. Claire eyed him up for a moment as if she hadn’t expected him to be clothed. She probably really hadn’t expected that. <br/>He followed her out into the hallway, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Claire put the kettle on, then turned to Alec. He stood by the opposite wall, keeping a distance. <br/>“Sleep well?”<br/>He nodded curtly. <br/>“I would expect so. Cheeky bastard.”<br/>He clenched his jaw. There wasn’t really much room for arguing. She had seen them. Just now. Nothing to deny, since that was all that had happened – except that Claire thought there was more of course. <br/>“No answer?”<br/>“Claire.”, he said earnestly. “It’s none of your business.”<br/>“Why not? You do realise that you’re the closest thing to a friend I have right now, right?”<br/>He averted his eyes. “That’s not on me.”<br/>“It is on you. You brought me here.”<br/>“To keep you safe.”<br/>“By isolating me after you made me give a statement that put me in jeopardy.”<br/>He shook his head. “I’m not your babysitter. You’re an adult, you should be able to get by on your own.”<br/>“I am getting by. You know that. But I still need a bit of banter sometimes. And if you don’t talk, I’ll just ask Ellie about it. That’s fine. Just thought I could have a chat with you for a change.”<br/>Alec stared at her, pondering. He wasn’t going to cave but he wasn’t sure Ellie would keep her mouth shut forever. Clearly, she had had some sort of private conversations with Claire before, so why not talk about him too? But no. He didn’t want to believe that Ellie would backstab him like that. <br/>The water was boiling by now. <br/>Claire poured them both a cup, threw in the teabags and joined Alec at the table again. <br/>“Well, in any case, you’re lucky.”, she twirled her teabag around in her cup. “She’s a good one, so be nice to her.”<br/>“Stop talking. You’re making a fool of yourself with your assumptions.”<br/>“Assumptions or not, you should still be nice to her.”<br/>“Even if there was something going on with someone in my private life – which there isn’t – you’re not really the person I would want to take relationship advice from.”<br/>“Relationship?”<br/>He blushed, picked up his tea. “No.”<br/>“Freudian slip?”<br/>“No. We’re not in a relationship, not trying to get into a relationship, and not having an affair. Did I miss any? Because if so, it’s a no to that too.”<br/>“So what is it?”<br/>“Nothing. There’s nothing there.”<br/>“But you did sleep with her.”<br/>“I didn’t. Never have.”<br/>Claire nodded slowly, clearly not convinced. “Right. Well, since you turned me down and turned her down and are clearly not in a position to be picky…self-imposed abstinence? Is that why you’re always so grumpy? Chronically under-fucked?”<br/>For a second, he almost thought she had figured it out, but it didn’t quite seem right. So don’t say anything.<br/>He leaned across the table. “I have a child, Claire.”<br/>“I know that. Doesn’t reflect on your current sex life though, just that you had no problems what, fifteen years ago? Sixteen? How old is she?”<br/>He merely shook his head. <br/>“Can I do her hair sometime?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Why not?”<br/>“Because I said so.”<br/>“Protective daddy, hm?”<br/>He sighed, leaning back into the chair again. She kept looking at him. <br/>“Can’t imagine you as a father.”<br/>“I don’t need you to.”<br/>“Reading bedtime stories, playing dolls.”<br/>“Can’t imagine you as a mother either. Good thing I don’t have to.”<br/>That one hit the mark. Claire pursed her lips. “You almost had to.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>“Is that why you were so supportive of me getting an abortion? Because you think I’d be a bad mother?”<br/>“No. I could see you didn’t want to be a mother. But you were scared of Lee. So you needed someone between you and him.”<br/>Claire tilted her head a little, pondering. <br/>“What did you think why I helped you? Not what you think now; just what you thought back when it happened.”<br/>“Why do you care?”<br/>He shrugged. “Curious.”<br/>Claire sipped on her tea, nodded, took the bag out and put it on a saucer. Alec put his bag down too. <br/>“Well”, Claire said. “two things. First, I thought you were trying to get on my good side, so I would trust you and do the whole unofficial witness protection program thing with you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for you keeping me safe but at the time, I wasn’t sure about you yet. And I guessed that you could tell. The other thing”, she sipped on her tea again “is that you wanted to make sure I cut ties with Lee properly. As in you thought I might not want to have an abortion if I still felt too close to Lee. You know, if I felt like I owed him a part in the decision. The part that you took.”<br/>He nodded. <br/>“True? Not true?”<br/>“Not true and partly true.”<br/>“Okay. Explain.”<br/>“I don’t see how me helping you get an abortion would make you trust me.”<br/>“It’s an emotional process. Being emotional makes you grow closer and trusting.”<br/>“Hm. Well, about the second reasoning: I did want you to cut ties with Lee, but I wouldn’t have made you lose his baby to achieve that. I’m not a monster. It was the other way around, in fact. I knew that if you kept the baby without wanting it, it would always tie you to Lee because you’d want him to take the burden from you.”<br/>Claire looked at him closely. He turned his head a little to look out of the window. <br/>“You’re much more aware of other people’s emotions than you let on, aren’t you? You deliberately choose to ignore it.”<br/>He shrugged. “Just honest.”<br/>“Maybe that’s it.”, Claire said, seemingly to herself. <br/>“What?”<br/>She clicked with her tongue. “Why Ellie likes you. The honesty. The loyalty. Her husband lied to her in a way that is completely unforgivable and you’re the opposite of that.”<br/>“That’s not it.” At least he hoped that wasn’t it because that would ruin her in the long run. He <em>had</em> lied to her. And she would catch him sooner or later. <br/>Claire shrugged, then smiled. “But now that we’ve gone full circle…what’s the deal with you?”<br/>“What, do you want a summary of everything we’ve ever done?”<br/>“Just the highlights.”<br/>“Catching a paedophilic murderer.”<br/>“You know what I mean, Alec. I know she came to you that night when she and I got hammered and next morning, you show up here with a hickey on your neck. Even if you want to pretend that nothing long-term is going on, I witnessed two instances where you clearly had been with her.”<br/>“‘Witnessed’? Don’t be dramatic, I’m not on trial.”<br/>“Just tell me what happened then. If you think you can convince me that you didn’t sleep together.”<br/>“I told you. I sent her to bed.”<br/>“Your bed.”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“With you.”<br/>“No.” Not that time at least. <br/>“And where did the hickey come from?”<br/>He didn’t answer. He didn’t have an excuse for that one. <br/>“So you did sleep with her that night.”<br/>Sighing, he shook his head and stood up. With the tea in hand, he walked towards the stairs, but again, Claire stopped him. <br/>“Alec!”, she grabbed him by the shoulder, standing between him and the stairway. “Don’t run away.”<br/>“Leave me alone.”<br/>“Don’t get upset. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business who you sleep with. I just wanted – I don’t know – talk to you about something normal for –”<br/>He didn’t even let her finish, just brushed past her and quickly went upstairs, back into the guest bedroom. <br/>Ellie was yawning when he stepped in. <br/>“Oh, hey.”, she smiled at him. “Good morning.”<br/>He closed the door.<br/>“Did you make tea?”, Ellie asked. <br/>He looked at the cup. He didn’t want it anyway. Silently, he walked over and offered it to Ellie. She took it gladly. <br/>“How long have you been awake for?”<br/>“Not long.”, he set at the edge of the bed, just looking at her. He felt guilty. Guilty for letting Claire play him so easily. For not being a better liar. <br/>“Are you okay?”, he heard her say. <br/>“Hm? Yeah. Why?”<br/>“You look kind of lost.”<br/>“Just tired.”<br/>“Ah. Did you move back to the couch?”<br/>“No, I just woke up before you.”<br/>“Right. Claire awake yet?”<br/>“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen.”<br/>Ellie nodded, sipped on the tea. <br/>“What time do you want to leave?”<br/>“Uh…”, she shrugged. “In half an hour?”<br/>“Sure.”, he stood up again. He didn’t know where to go but this was uncomfortable. <br/>“Oy”, Ellie said, motioning for him to come back as she scrambled out of bed. She looked ridiculous in that nightie but weirdly, he didn’t mind.<br/>“You haven’t said ‘good morning’ yet.”, she added. <br/>“Morning.”, Alec said, trying not to sound as terrible as he felt. <br/>“We’ll work on that.”, she squeezed his arm, then she was already moving back to the bed and taking the mug. <br/>Without another word, he turned and left the room. Downstairs, he put his tie, jacket and shoes back on and checked his phone. Nothing important. <br/>Claire was leaning in the door. “Are you mad at me now?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Sure?”<br/>“Yeah. Miller and I are leaving in about half an hour.”<br/>Claire nodded. He couldn’t read her expression, but it wasn’t anything good. It didn’t matter though. As he had told her: He wasn’t her babysitter. <br/>“What happened to your cup?”, she asked.<br/>“Gave it to Miller.”<br/>Another nod. “Do you call her Miller in bed –?”<br/>“Fuck off.”, he snapped. She looked surprised at the harshness. With a scoff, she left him alone. <br/>“Shit.”, he muttered to himself. This day was already ruined, and it wasn’t even past eight yet. <br/>He stayed in the living room, not wanting to argue with Claire again. Just wait it out. He wouldn’t have to think about it anymore once he got away. Once they got away. <br/>“You ready?”, he turned around, saw Ellie in the door, bag and shoes already on. <br/>He nodded, followed her through the kitchen to the front door where they met Claire. <br/>“Morning.”, Ellie smiled. “Sorry for leaving so soon but we better get there sooner than later.”<br/>Claire nodded, shot a look at Alec. “Good luck then.”<br/>He stared back, trying not to let anything show on his face. <br/>Ellie opened the door, went outside and he was about to follow her when Claire grabbed his arm, pulling him a step aside, so Ellie couldn’t see them. <br/>“I took photos of you last night.”, she whispered, her face close enough to his ear that he felt her breath. <br/>Then she was gone, just walked off into the kitchen. Alec stared after her, perplexed. This really wasn’t a good day. <br/>He felt his heart rate rise as he followed Ellie to the car. <br/>They climbed in, shut the doors. Alec popped two pills from the pack into his hand and threw them back. Swallowing pills dry was always uncomfortable. <br/>“You okay?”, Ellie asked.<br/>“Claire knows.”, he said quietly. <br/>“Knows what?”<br/>“She saw us.”<br/>Ellie’s face fell. “You don’t mean…?”<br/>“In bed, yes.”<br/>“Shit.”<br/>“Drive off.”<br/>She started the motor, started down the dirt road. “She told you that?”<br/>“She was in the room when I woke up. She was watching us.”<br/>“Watching?”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Oh, that’s creepy.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>“What did you tell her?”<br/>“The truth.”<br/>“Hardy, you should’ve lied! Make up some excuse. For God’s sake, isn’t that what you usually do?”<br/>“What was I supposed to tell her? She saw us.”<br/>“Was I still hugging you?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“Shit.”<br/>“You try explaining why you’re in bed with a colleague’s arms around you without sounding ridiculous.”<br/>He sighed, closed his eyes. He felt dizzy. <br/>“Hardy, are you okay?”, she asked again. <br/>“No. I feel like shit.”<br/>“Do you need a doctor?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Are you going to pass out?”<br/>“I don’t think so.”<br/>“Should we go back? Do you need to lie down?”<br/>“No. Just drive.”<br/>She did keep driving but only for a short while. The car came to a halt, she shut the motor off. Alec opened his eyes, frowning. <br/>They were parked at a hard shoulder with a view of the sea. Ellie unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned all the way over him. <br/>“What are you doing?”, he pushed her hand away when it got close to his lap. <br/>“Shut up.”, she leaned over some more and reached for the lever at the side of his seat. It reclined abruptly and Ellie put her hand on his leg as she pushed herself up again. <br/>“Do you want water?”, she asked. <br/>“No.”<br/>“You’re getting water.”<br/>She rummaged around her bag, unscrewed the bottle, and put it in his hand. “Drink.”<br/>He sighed, took a sip. She reached for his other hand, grabbed the wrist. He watched her as she took his pulse. <br/>“I shouldn’t have done that.”, she said, still looking at his hand. <br/>“Done what?”<br/>“Dragged you in my bed last night. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”<br/>“I didn’t particularly object, did I?”<br/>“No. But still. That was unnecessary. Like we can’t sleep apart for a single bloody night.”<br/>“Very unnecessary.”<br/>She shook her head. <br/>“You done taking my pulse any time soon?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Hm.”, he turned his head away, looking out of the window. <br/>“Did Claire say anything else?”<br/>He shook his head. He wasn’t sure why he was lying. Maybe he didn’t want Ellie to worry. Maybe he wanted to prove Claire wrong.<br/>“So what do we do now?”, Ellie rearranged her fingers around his wrist a little.<br/>“Nothing. There’s nothing we can do.”<br/>“Very reassuring.”<br/>“Who would she even tell?”<br/>Ellie nodded slightly. “Fair point.”<br/>“Can you let me go now?”<br/>She shot him a look and simply interlaced their fingers, letting the hands drop next to the shift stick between them. <br/>“Just ignore that it happened and we’ll be fine. Alright?”<br/>“I guess so.”<br/>“Good. Now drive, we don’t have all day.”, he tried to pull his hand away from her, but she kept an iron grip on it. <br/>“I can drive with one hand.”, she said, started the motor again and moved the shift stick with her right hand. <br/>“If we crash, I’ll kill you.”<br/>The car had a rocky start but once they were on the open road, everything was fine again. Well, almost everything. The thing with the photos was bugging him, but he wanted to sort it out with Claire himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec woke up with a fright. Ellie was staring down at him, tugging on his arm in the dark of his bedroom.<br/>“Bloody hell…”, he muttered, pulling his arm back and moving as far away from her as he could without falling off the bed. Ellie stood at the bedside in full rig, shoes and parka and all.<br/>“Get up.”, she told him.<br/>“Why? What happened?” Oh god, he really couldn’t deal with an emergency right now. His eyes could barely even focus on Ellie’s face.<br/>“Nothing. Just come with me.”, she tried to reach for his arm again, but Alec moved it under the blanket.<br/>“I’m having a déjà-vu.”<br/>“No, you’re not. I’m taking you <em>out</em> of bed this time.”<br/>“Are you? How did you even get in here?”<br/>“I know where you keep your spare key. You’re not good at hiding it. Might want to change that.”<br/>Alec dropped his head back into the pillows, closing his eyes. “Why are you here? I thought you were staying at your own place tonight?”<br/>“Change of plan.”<br/>“You didn’t need to wake me up if you want to sleep here.”<br/>“I’m here to pick you up.”<br/>“What for? It’s Friday night. Or did I black out the entire weekend and it’s five a.m. on Monday?”<br/>“It is in fact Friday. Well, Saturday by now, actually. Great day for a walk. Come on.”<br/>He shook his head, feeling his neck strain where it was stiff from sleep. <br/>A sigh from Ellie. “Apologies for waking you up but I really need you to come with me right now.”<br/>Alec turned his head, looking at Ellie who was trying to convey some sort of not-good emotion to him with her eyes that he couldn’t interpret. Groaning, he pushed himself up. “Fine.”<br/>A smile brightened up Ellie’s features and she walked over to Alec’s closet, pulling out a suit for him without asking. <br/>Alec pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “What time is it?”<br/>“Just around two a.m., I think.”<br/>“Lovely…”<br/>Her hand was on his back now, tugging on his shirt to pull it off him. <br/>“I can put clothes on by myself, thank you.”, he muttered, pushing her hand away and standing up properly. <br/>“I’ll be outside.”, she handed him the suit and left the room. Alec closed his eyes, trying hard not to nod off while still standing. It took him a while to change into his suit and he wasn’t quite walking straight when he grabbed his keys and joined Ellie outside. <br/>“You look shit.”, she told him with a smile.<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>He lifted his face to the sky, felt raindrops on his skin. <br/>“Come on then.”, Ellie’s hand was on his arm, pulling him with her.<br/>“Couldn’t have picked a better time, could you?”<br/>“It’s just a bit of water, it won’t kill you.”<br/>“Still, why now?”<br/>“Because I realised something.”<br/>“Which is?”<br/>“I’ll tell you later.”<br/>“Great.”, he muttered quietly enough that she wouldn’t be able to hear him. Ellie led him back to the street, where her car was parked, and they got in. <br/>“Where are we going?”, Alec asked as she started the motor.<br/>“You’ll see.”<br/>Her tone was worrying him. Something was wrong and she wasn’t ready to tell him yet but clearly wanted to. He turned his head away, let the silence hover between them. If she needed more time, fine, so be it. He could wait. There wasn’t much he could offer her in general, but waiting was at least one thing he was good at. A little too good. <br/>Alec leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes, trying not to ponder over what it might be that was bothering Ellie so much that she had had to come by his place in the middle of the night and wake him up. It seemed like she thought he’d be able to help. He wasn’t so sure. He did have an impressively bad track record in problem fixing.</p><p>Alec slowly opened his eyes and realised the car had stopped moving. Groggily, he tried to focus on something beyond the windscreen, but it was too dark. Then he noticed something tickling his hand. He lazily turned his head and saw Ellie in the driver’s seat, Alec’s right hand balanced on her left one while her right hand played around with his fingers. <br/>“What are you doing?”, he groaned, pulling his hand back. Ellie looked at him in surprise. <br/>“Oh, you’re awake.”<br/>“Barely.”, he sat up, squinting his eyes while staring out of the window. “Where are we?”<br/>“Just outside of town by the promenade.”<br/>He nodded silently. <br/>“Let’s go then.”, Ellie got out of the car, walked around it, and opened Alec’s door for him. Alec unbuckled his seatbelt and heaved himself out of the seat. His legs were a little shaky but that went away after the first few steps. Ellie locked the car and they walked off along the pathway. It was drizzling and the ground was all wet with dirt already coating his shoes. <br/>“You okay?”, Ellie said.<br/>“You’re asking me that now, after dragging me here?”<br/>“Looks like it.”<br/>He shook his head. “Are you going to tell me now what it is you wanted to say?”<br/>“Uhm…”, Ellie took a deep breath. “I have no friends.”<br/>Alec frowned, kept walking without looking at Ellie.<br/>“Seriously, none.”<br/>“Okay.”<br/>“That’s what I realised.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“I used to be so social and just meet up with people all the time for no reason. It’s no surprise to me that I didn’t manage to make any friends in Devon because I’m no fun to be around lately, but all of the friends I used to have don’t want anything to do with me either. The only person I can still have lunch with is Lucy, but she’s obligated because she’s my sister. Can’t get out of that one.”<br/>Alec didn’t quite know what to say to that. Or what she expected him to say. Or why she was even telling him that. Or why she was telling him that way away from the dry, warm comfort of his home on a rainy dirt road.<br/>“I’m almost as lonely as you.”<br/>“Almost?”<br/>“Do you have siblings?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“There you go, I top you.”<br/>“Barely.”<br/>“Which is the problem. I hate being this cut off from any sort of social interactions. I’m always either working or alone. Or with you, but you don’t count.”<br/>He had half a mind to ask why he didn’t count but decided against it. “Welcome to the club.”, he said instead. “Feels great, doesn’t it?”<br/>“That you don’t have friends in Broadchurch is your own fault. We only hate you because you’ve always got a face on like you’re about to murder us.”<br/>“‘We’?”<br/>“Don’t pretend you don’t snap at me at every chance you get.”<br/>He shook his head. “I don’t do that on purpose…but either way, that’s not what I mean. I meant Sandbrook. I have no friends left in Sandbrook. They all despise me.” <em>For good reason</em>, he mentally added.<br/>He noticed Ellie eyeing him up. “Right. I keep forgetting you had a life before Broadchurch.”<br/>“I had a family, I had mates, I had a good job, I had a house. I had everything. And now”, he shrugged. “now I live in a shack, all alone, and I’m too sick to even go to work.” He swallowed hard, feeling tears well up behind his eyes that he was not willing to spill. “I’m just saying that I know what it’s like to get your entire life torn to shreds right in front of you. To have people that you thought were your friends tell you that they hope you’ll get hit by a bus. And that if the bus running over doesn’t kill you, they’ll gladly deliver the last blow.” He stopped himself before too many memories could flood his mind. “And because I know how it all feels, I also know that ‘I know how you feel’ is the exact opposite of what you want to hear.”<br/>He looked over to Ellie but found she wasn’t there anymore. Confused, he turned around and saw her standing a few metres away, looking at him with those big sad eyes full of tears. Oh dear. He was only making it worse. <br/>He lowered his head and pointlessly dug his heel into the mushy ground. “Sorry.”<br/>The squishy sounds of footsteps were telling him Ellie was walking again but she didn’t just go straight past him like he had expected. Instead, she hugged him tightly. He just stood there, unable to move. “Sorry.”, he said again.<br/>“You know, I never thought it possible that my friends would turn on me. I’ve known them all my life. I see them every day. But I don’t think Beth is ever going to forgive me.”<br/>“Just give her time.”, he took a deep breath. “See, the problem is that because you’ll all so close-knit, it’s hard to separate. In her mind, you and Joe and Tom are one unit. I’ll take some effort to break that apart. She has to rearrange all her notions of sub-communities and familial bonds that involve the name ‘Miller’ and maybe even reconsider some of her memories, too. As do you.”, he hesitated, realising that he’d just made a rather big assumption about her. “I guess.”, he quickly added.<br/>“Why”, Ellie slowly hit her fist against his back with every word. “are you like this?”<br/>“What does that mean?”<br/>“That means that <em>somehow</em> you can explain all of the things I’m experiencing <em>and</em> that people who you barely know are experiencing, and yet you’re too unempathetic to realise you’re supposed to hug me back, you mug.”<br/>Sighing, he put his arms around her, allowing her to fold into him properly. “Sorry.”, he said again.<br/>“How are you so bad with people when you clearly know how people work?”<br/>“It’s the other way around. I know how people work <em>because</em> I always mess things up and have to wonder afterwards what I did wrong because I’m too much of a moron to understand it while it’s happening.”<br/>She shook her head. He felt her nose brush against his chest. “Well, in any case, you’re spot on. Whenever I remember something now, I get this feeling in my stomach because I always think back in terms of ‘Oh, remember when we did this and that?’. I’ve been with him so long that I don’t know how to see myself as a whole and not just a half that belongs to my husband. I’d barely even know how to plan an evening with friends if I had any.”<br/>“Good thing you don’t then.”<br/>“Hardy, I swear to god, you’re flip-flopping between extremes today and I’m not liking it. You were so close to being helpful just now.”<br/>“No, really, maybe it is better to be alone right now. To have some time with yourself to figure out who you really are. Not just as a part of that family, but just you.”<br/>“Did you do that?”<br/>“No. I’m not a tittle smarter than I was before Sandbrook. If anything, I have more of a disconnect from myself now.”<br/>“So what makes you think it’d be different for me?”<br/>“You’re stronger than me.”<br/>The silence that followed was unnerving. Uncomfortable, even. <br/>Ellie moved away from him, refusing to meet his eyes. “Let’s go home. My socks are wet.”<br/>He nodded and started walking back towards the car. He wasn’t quite sure whether what he had said was somehow wrong. Whether he shouldn’t have said it. It was hard to process her reaction – or lack thereof. Maybe silence was for the best right now.<br/>Neither of them asked whether she was going to stay over tonight. They just drove back to Alec’s chalet, not a word spoken. No discussion, no possibility of it not being the agreement between them. Alec hadn’t even thought about the option of sleeping alone after their walk before turning the key in the lock. It seemed rather silly since the other option was clearly the better one. <br/>He unlocked the door and held it open for Ellie.<br/>“Thanks.”, Ellie went inside and put down her bag and jacket. Alec took off his coat and suit jacket, dropping them on the table to dry. He sighed deeply, feeling the exhaustion weigh heavily on him. <br/>Without a word, he went into the bathroom, washing the rain off his face.<br/>“Hardy? Can I take some clothes?”, Ellie asked through the door.<br/>“What?”<br/>“My clothes are wet. Can I borrow yours?”<br/>He closed his eyes, trying to convince himself to say No to her. <br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“Thanks.”<br/>He turned off the tab and dried his face, then went back into the living room. Ellie seemed to be in his bedroom, so he checked his phone, waited while she got changed. When she emerged again, he couldn’t help eying her up. It was weird to see her in his clothes. Not that he minded. On the contrary. <br/>They switched; Ellie now going into the bathroom and Alec throwing on his sleepwear for the second time tonight. <br/>He went to bed, pulling the blanket up to his neck and exhaling deeply. He wasn’t quite sure what he was feeling. For starters, he was exhausted, that was certain. But he was also restless. Kind of excited. Maybe nervous. Nervousness seemed to be his standard lately though, so he couldn’t tell whether that was even applicable to this situation.  “Tired?”, Ellie asked. <br/>He grumbled something unintelligible as an answer that was never supposed to form any words. <br/>“Do you want to go straight to sleep or…?”<br/>“Or what?”<br/>“I don’t know. Talk a bit more.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“You know what’s weird?”, she said, ignoring his answer. <br/>“You’re going to tell me no matter what I say.”<br/>“You’re what, almost a head taller than me?”<br/>“I don’t know.”<br/>“Let’s say you are. And yet you’re so skinny that –”<br/>“Oh for Christ’s –”<br/>“Oy, I’m talking.”<br/>He sighed. <br/>“Yet you’re so skinny that your clothes fit me.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“You don’t think that’s weird?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Maybe you’re weird then.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“<em>Mhm</em>.”, she mock-imitated him. <br/>“Stop that.”<br/>“If you stop being grumpy.”<br/>“I’m not grumpy.”<br/>“You’re so grumpy.”<br/>“I’m tired.”<br/>“Go to sleep then.”<br/>“I would but you keep talking.”<br/>“Because you keep answering.”<br/>“Shut up then.”<br/>“You shut up.”<br/>“Miller, shut up.”<br/>“Do you need help shutting up?”<br/>“What?”<br/>“I could strangle you. Would that help?”<br/>“Do what you have to.”<br/>He flinched when Ellie’s hands appeared in front of him and grabbed his neck. She wasn’t actually applying pressure, but it did make him cringe. <br/>“Miller –”<br/>“Shh.”<br/>“Miller!”, he grabbed her arms, pushed himself up. Breathing heavily, he struggled to keep her arms under control while she was laughing. <br/>When she tore one arm free, he just grabbed her by the shoulders and pinned her down. <br/>They both froze. Alec was staring down at her, his breath erratic. Her eyes were big, her mouth open. Her own fault, he thought. Then he realised the position they were in now. Shit. <br/>He knew he should let her go and apologise but his hands were numb. And Ellie didn’t seem to mind either. <br/>He also knew what he wanted to do, what would make him happy and relieved and simply get rid of all the stupid arguing with himself. <br/>He was sure she wouldn’t stop him. He was sure she was thinking the same thing. <br/>He swallowed hard, then it all happened very quickly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec leaned down and kissed Ellie. Just gently. Just to present the idea to her. She went with it; kissed him back. <br/>Ellie’s arms freed themselves and her hands found their way to the back of Alec’s neck, pulling him closer. The kiss deepened. That was unexpected. He usually took things slower. <br/>He felt hot. His face was burning and his mind foggy with bliss. This was better than what he had hoped for. <br/>Blindly, he rearranged his arms while trying not to break up the kiss for too long, so he was mainly leaning on his right elbow and forearm, next to Ellie’s head. Her fingers curled around his hair as if in approval of his body now being closer to hers. He felt Ellie’s leg move, sort of hugging his legs a little. Keeping him close. She wanted him closer. Even closer than this. <br/>How? <br/>This was the part he had never been good at: Figuring out what someone liked. Did she like a lot of tongue? A nick of the teeth? Maybe she liked getting her neck kissed? He did. But he couldn’t tell her that. Just like she wouldn’t tell him what she liked. Just stick to the basics then. Make the kiss the best you possibly can. The rest will come later. <br/>A little sigh escaped Ellie’s throat and one of her hands moved away from his neck, sliding down his chest, then side, then back. There, it lingered for a second before she grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled on it. <br/>Alec flinched; Ellie grinned. “Squirmy, are you?”<br/>Silently, he reached around, trying to catch her arm. Just get her to stop ruining it by going too far and too quickly. <br/>She kept pulling his shirt higher, shaking his hand off. <br/>Alec turned his head to the side while tightly gripping her wrist. Ellie’s other hand moved down, continuing the job by sliding across his naked back and pushing the shirt away where it had bunched up. <br/>“Stop it.”, he hissed. <br/>“Why?”<br/>“Just stop!”<br/>She did stop, but only with an annoyed sigh. <br/>Alec rolled over, dropping himself on the mattress. He was shaking. He was scared. <br/>It wasn’t a rational fear. He knew that she wouldn’t hurt him, but that didn’t stop the panic. He wanted to cry.<br/>“Was that it?”, Ellie said. <br/>He turned away, hugging himself to stop the shaking. <br/>“You bloody wanker! What was the point then?”<br/>Wordlessly, he got up, grabbed a jumper on the way, and just walked out of his home. <br/>“Hardy!”, Ellie called after him, but he didn’t stop. “My god, you’re prissy.”<br/>He shook his head. The cool air was pleasant against his hot face and the damp grass sent a chill up his legs from where it brushed against the bare feet, but his pulse was through the roof. Briskly, he walked into the field, the quiet crushing of the waves against the canal walls following him. <br/>He didn’t know where he was headed. He just needed air. Space to breathe. His entire body was shaking. Fuck. This was bad. His heart was working overtime and his mind was a screaming mess. Every part of his body was alert and telling him to stop everything.<br/>He shook his head again and started running. Get away from her. Everything will be fine when you’re alone again. You can handle being alone, you’re used to it. <br/>His throat was tight. He could barely breathe, and his head felt light. Without trying to prevent it, he tumbled, fell to his knees in the soft grass and started coughing his lungs out. His chest hurt. His head hurt. Everything hurt. <br/>Breathless, he let himself fall to the ground, rolling onto his back. The stars above him were all blurry and it took him a moment to realise that it was due to the tears in his eyes. Now that he was aware of them, he felt the wet trail run down along his temples, just past his ears and into his hair. He was sobbing. Properly sobbing. Shaking, crying, and coughing while staring at the blurry sky. <br/>God, he was fucking pathetic. He was stupid and worthless and so fucking pathetic. A pathetic imbecile who didn’t deserve to be anything other than alone. He would live alone, die alone. He was wrong. His whole being was wrong. His head was messed up and there was no way of fixing it, so he would never not be alone. Nobody would put up with how screwed up his mind was. <br/>He rolled over, curling up into a ball of choked cries, and hid his head in both arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oops<br/>I did it again<br/>I played with your heart<br/>Got lost in the game<br/>Oh baby, baby</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec’s door was unlocked, which was helpful. Probably not on purpose but it didn’t really matter as along as Ellie could walk in. <br/>“Hardy?”, she said. “You here?”<br/>She walked into the bedroom, saw him lie there with the blanket pulled up to his ear. <br/>“Oh, look who came back.”<br/>She took her shoes off, tossed the jacket aside and got into bed next to him without asking. <br/>“You are a fucking arsehole.”<br/>He didn’t react. Was he trying to convince her that he was asleep? He was a light sleeper. She knew that. And she was talking loudly enough that every single one of her words ought to wake him up. <br/>“If you think I’m going to let you ignore me, you’re delusional.”<br/>Still nothing. Ellie stared at his back, daring him to do something. To defend himself. In the silence, she could hear his breath. Shaky. Uneven. A sniffle. He was crying. <br/>She shook her head, put a hand on his shoulder. “What is it this time, hm?”<br/>Nothing. <br/>“Talk to me, you bloody coward!”, she pulled on his shoulder, trying to get him to lie on his back. <br/>“Back off.”, he muttered. His voice was high, and he could barely get the two words out. Hysterical. <br/>“You’re the one who owes me an apology.”<br/>He wrapped both arms around his head, as if that would make him disappear. <br/>“Stop crying. You’re not ten.”<br/>“Leave me alone.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“Absolutely not.”<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>“Great apology. Very believable.”<br/>“I messed up.”<br/>“Yes. Yes, you did. But why?”<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>“That’s not an answer.”<br/>He was shaking. She could hear his sobs. Of course he wasn’t responding to her. He was barely holding himself together. He was embarrassed. <br/>“Sit up.”, she told him and pulled on his arm. Reluctantly, he complied but when she silently pulled him in for a hug, he clung onto her for dear life. <br/>Ellie moved a little, adjusting her legs, so he was essentially sitting between her legs while she was on her knees. Gently, she brushed her hand up and down his back. She could never get used to being able to feel his bones when hugging him. <br/>“You’ll go make yourself a cup of tea and when you’re done with it, I’ll go back to biting your head off. Okay?”<br/>No answer. <br/>“Right, if you’re not going to talk, you don’t deserve a hug.”<br/>“I’m sorry.”<br/>“I don’t think you even know what you’re apologising for.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“No, you do know or no, you don’t know?”<br/>“Just no.”<br/>She fought her way out of his arms and went to the living room, sitting on the couch now. She stared into the darkness; her eyes unable to focus on the vague shape that she knew to be Alec on the bed. It took him a while to finally heave himself off the bed and stumble into the living room. His shoulder crashed into the doorframe and he pulled a face but didn’t say anything. He just stood there, swaying a little and visibly shaking. <br/>“Make yourself some fucking tea.”, Ellie snapped. As much as she had told herself to be patient with him, he was really testing her today. <br/>“I don’t want tea.”<br/>“Then sit down and talk.”<br/>He sniffled, then just sat down on the floor in a cross-legged position, his hands on his feet.<br/>“Can you pretend it never happened?”, he said quietly. <br/>“No. Absolutely not.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“Why did you panic?”<br/>“I didn’t –”<br/>“If you say ‘I didn’t panic’, I will steal an EKG from the hospital and staple it to your torso.”<br/>He shrugged. <br/>“You’re such a coward.”<br/>“Okay, fine. But I – I didn’t panic per se. I had a…”, he made an expansive gesture.<br/>“A what?”<br/>He bit his tongue, barely able to get the words out. “Panic <em>attack</em>.”<br/>Ellie nodded, her expression softening. “Thank you for admitting that.”<br/>He shook his head, looking away. “It’s stupid.”<br/>“It’s not stupid. And nothing to be embarrassed about. But that doesn’t change the fact your behaviour was inexcusable.”<br/>“What else was I supposed to do?”<br/>“Say ‘I am having a panic attack, please get away from me.’. Do you not realise how this all looked from my perspective? You’re lucky I came back.”<br/>“It’s not about you. There’s nothing wrong with you. Please don’t think this is anything personal. You know I don’t have any problems with telling you when you’re being annoying, so for once: Don’t take this as an insult. You did nothing wrong. I’m just a fucking idiot.”<br/>“You’re sweet.”, Ellie said gently. “But there was a nicer way to communicate that than telling me to piss off and then running away and now crying and babbling instead of just telling me.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>“Then think next time. Or do I have to handcuff you to the bed to make sure you don’t run away again if we have another argument?”<br/>“Do what you have to.”<br/>She scoffed. “First you give me a sob story and now you want me to handcuff you to your bed? What kind of a kinky bastard are you?”<br/>“That was a joke.”<br/>“I know that. You’re still weird.”<br/>“I’m just bad at knowing what to say.”<br/>“Yeah, you’re incredibly shit at that.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>“And I won’t try and pry for information on why you’re having panic attacks. That’s none of my business. If you want to tell me, great, but I’m guessing you don’t.”<br/>“I don’t.”<br/>“That’s fine. But apologise properly then. We can go back to bed after that.”<br/>“I’m sorry I didn’t say what was wrong. I’m sorry I ran away. I’m sorry I cried.”<br/>“Good.”, she stood up. He did too. “Let’s go to sleep then.”<br/>“But could you – uh…”, he closed his eyes, made another face. “Shit.”<br/>“What? What do you need?”<br/>“Nothing I need. Just asking.”<br/>“Asking what?”<br/>“Would you…kiss me? Again?”<br/>She blinked, staring at him in surprise. Had she heard that right? “Uh…do you mean theoretically, as in ‘Was it good?’ or was that a request?”<br/>“Both. But you don’t have to. Really, it’s…sorry.”<br/>She sighed, stepped up to him and took his face in her hands. Before he could say anything, she gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Shut up.”<br/>She could hear him gulp. <br/>“Now get back to bed, I’m tired.”<br/>She headed back into the bedroom and almost missed his quiet “Thank you.”<br/>He followed her and they both lay down, a gap between them. Ellie sighed in annoyance and grabbed Alec’s arm, roughly pulling him closer. She put her arms around him, her head on his chest. Her favourite position. Like this, she felt closest to him. And she liked listening to his heartbeat as they fell asleep. It was quicker than usual, and she was quite sure that Alec wouldn’t fall asleep for a while. Not that that changed anything for her. She would just close her eyes and wait for something to happen. Either sleep or whatever Alec may conjure up next. God, she hoped his antics would stop soon.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec was in his kitchen making tea when she noticed the bag on his bed. Confused, she stood there, staring at the thing. It looked like her bag, alright. But why would it be here? Especially because she’d put that bag in the bin over two weeks ago. And this one looked cleaner somehow. It looked new.<br/>“Al – Hardy?”, she said loudly, reminding herself once more not to use his first name despite the fact that he was probably going to fall asleep in her arms tonight again. <br/>“What?”, came his voice from the kitchen.<br/>“Is that my bag? The one on your bed, is that mine?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“I threw mine out.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>Ellie walked over into the kitchen, leaning against the counter next to Alec. “What did you do?”<br/>He rolled his eyes, tossed the teabag into the bin, and handed her a one of the mugs. She took it, letting it warm her hands. <br/>“That’s not <em>my</em> bag though, is it?”<br/>He shrugged. “Same one, isn’t it?”<br/>Ellie cocked her head, eying up his face. He wasn’t looking at her. Purposefully. “You bought me a new bag.”<br/>Another shrug.<br/>“You did.” A smile spread over her face.<br/>Alec sipped on his tea and went to sit at the table, checking his phone.<br/>“Thank you.”, Ellie added.<br/>“Hm.”<br/>“Why would you do that?”<br/>“You said yours tore.”<br/>Her smile grew bigger. Awfully attentive for a guy who liked to pretend he was constantly not listening to you. Especially because he had gone through the trouble of finding her the exact one she had had to throw away. <br/>Ellie walked over to stand behind him, a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it a little. Massaging it, more like. He pushed her hand away. <br/>“Don’t touch me.”<br/>She sighed and sat down across from him. “I’ll remind you of that tonight.”<br/>Finally, he looked up, meeting her eyes. He was calm. Uncannily relaxed. He lifted his mug to his lips and drank without breaking eye-contact.<br/>Ellie raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to say something?”<br/>“Na.”<br/>“Do you want to sleep alone tonight?”<br/>He shook his head, not in the least bothered by her provocation. Not yet at least. Ellie stared straight at him, then said something she had been putting off for almost two days now: “You kissed me.”<br/>His eyes narrowed a little. “I know. I was there.”<br/>“Ignoring the fact that you had a pan –”<br/>“Don’t.”, his voice was sharp. <br/>“No, setting that fact <em>aside</em>. Let’s pretend that part didn’t happen. Was that a one-time thing or…?”<br/>“Didn’t I already tell you that it wasn’t?”<br/>“You asked me to kiss you again. That's not the same thing.”<br/>“No, it is. And I don’t know why you’re bringing it up.”<br/>“To talk it out. To know where we stand.”<br/>“I don’t want to talk about it.”<br/>She sighed. “Of course you don’t. Then tell me this at least: If I were to kiss you right now, would you be okay with that?”<br/>“Right now? No. In general? Probably.”<br/>“Probably? Heart-warming. Thank you.”<br/>He looked away, staring out of the window instead. Ellie watched him, wondering why she had expected him to answer something else. She wasn’t even sure what she had expected. Just not that. Not a ‘probably’.<br/>“Make it mean something.”<br/>Ellie blinked. “What was that?”<br/>“Nothing.”<br/>“No, you just said something.”<br/>“No.”<br/>“You did. You said ‘Make it mean something.’.”<br/>“I didn’t.”<br/>“Don’t be stupid. I heard you.”<br/>“You couldn’t have heard that because I didn’t say it.”<br/>“Oh, for God’s sake…”<br/>He stubbornly kept his eyes on this canal as Ellie shook her head.<br/>“What does that mean?”<br/>No reaction.<br/>“How do you expect me to make that mean something?”<br/>“Miller, just be quiet.”<br/>“Are you embarrassed?”<br/>He scoffed.<br/>“You look uncomfortable and you’re trying to convince me you didn’t say something that actually seems to be quite important. You’re embarrassed.”<br/>He kept staring outside, fingers too tight around his mug. <br/>Maybe she would’ve believed that she hard misheard something but the way he was acting made it clear to her that she could trust her ears. He just hadn’t meant for her to hear it.<br/>“Are you a romantic at heart?”<br/>“Miller, please drop it. I shouldn’t have said that.”<br/>“So you’re admitting that you did say it. That’s a start.”<br/>“Miller.”, he finally turned his head and met her eyes. Ellie swallowed hard, could barely keep herself from looking away. “Drop it.”, he repeated, his voice pleading.<br/>Ellie managed a nod. “Right. Didn’t hear a thing.”<br/>He nodded back.<br/>‘Make it mean something’? Hm. She wasn’t quite sure what to make of that, but she knew she was unlikely to forget it anytime soon.<br/>“I’ll go for a walk.”, Alec said, standing up.<br/>“Can I join you?”<br/>“No.”<br/>She blinked. “No?”<br/>“I need some air. Alone.”<br/>He picked up his jacket and Ellie watched him put it on, not sure whether she ought to be worried or not. When he opened the door, she finally opened her mouth.<br/>“Alec.”<br/>He turned his head, hand on the door handle.<br/>“Thanks again for the purse.”<br/>His face was blank, then he turned away again. “Don’t call me Alec.”<br/>The door fell shut and Ellie looked after him through the window, aghast. ‘Don’t call me Alec’? Don’t be ridiculous., she thought. You kissed me just two days ago. I think we’ve passed the line of not using first names. <br/>She had a hunch that he was just going to stay away for whatever amount of time he thought it would take for Ellie to decide to leave. His way to get out of the conversation whilst having the option to say “You’re the one who left” afterwards. Ellie wouldn’t let him off the hook so easily. She grabbed her wallet and headed out, just to walk about the block and go pick up a newspaper on the way. She’d be there when Alec came back. He could count on that. </p>
<p>Alec stepped through the front door and Ellie put down the newspaper.<br/>“Alec.”, she said firmly.<br/>He scowled at her, frozen in his way. “Alright, you want to rile up. Do what you have to.”<br/>“I don’t want to rile you up. I just think you’re being silly.”<br/>“<em>Silly</em>?”, he said the word like it was a slur.<br/>“Why won’t you let me call you Alec?”<br/>“Because I don’t like it.”<br/>“And I don’t like having to call you by your last name while sleeping in your bed.”<br/>“You can call me whatever you want. Just not Alec.”<br/>Ellie gave him a look. “Don’t be ridiculous.”<br/>Alec shook his head, took his jacket off, and put it over the chair’s back rest. Instead of sitting down though, he walked around the table and took a knee in front of Ellie. She stared at him, spooked. <br/>“If it means that much to you, fine. Do the first name thing. If you have to.”<br/>Ellie put her hands on his shoulders. “It's not a –”, Alec pushed her hands away and she started over. “It’s not a must. It would just be more reasonable. More natural. More like I’m sleeping over at a friend’s house and not my boss’s.”<br/>“I’m not your boss anymore.”<br/>For god’s sake… “That’s what you’re taking away from that? Seriously?”<br/>He shrugged. <br/>“You’re hopeless.”<br/>“And yet you put up with me. Sadomasochistic tendencies?”<br/>“Not sure. How about I slap you to find out?”<br/>“I’ll slap you back.”<br/>“Yeah? Good.”, she patted his head. “Don’t let anyone hit you without fighting back.”<br/>“Are you giving me a pep talk now? I thought I was just officially allowing you to use my first name.”<br/>“‘Officially allowing me’? Hold your horses, it’s just a name, not the launch codes.”<br/>“It’s about comfort.”<br/>Ellie cocked her head. That was surprisingly honest and insightful for Alec. Of course, she knew he was uncomfortable with people using his first name; he had made that clear more than enough times. But him admitting it like that felt nice.<br/>“I’ll need to keep book of all your comfort levels and habits and pet peeves and nihilistic worldviews.”<br/>“I’m not nihilistic.”<br/>“Fine. But you’re prissy.”<br/>“Hm.”<br/>“Promise not to get annoyed anymore if I call you Alec?”<br/>He nodded soberly. <br/>“Good. I’m training you well.”, she smiled and ran her hand through his hair. She loved feeling his hair against her fingers. <br/>“Is that why you’re petting me? Because I’m a dog and you’re training me?”<br/>“Not petting you. But essentially, yeah.”, she playfully tugged on his tie with her free hand. “You’ve even got a leash on already.”<br/>“If I’m a dog, then you’re a shit trainer.”<br/>Ellie narrowed her eyes at him. “Go on like that and I’ll get a whistle and start training you properly.”<br/>“I’d like to see you try.”<br/>She leaned a little closer to him. “Don’t tempt me. You’ve got a lot of behaviours that I’d rather get rid of.”<br/>“So do you.”<br/>“Talking back is one of them. Just be”, she brushed her fingers across his cheek “a good little boy. Smile and nod politely but keep your mouth shut. Alright?”<br/>“I thought I was a dog. Am I now a wee lad from an aristocratic family in 1840?”<br/>“You’re talking back again.”<br/>To her surprise, that coaxed a smile out of him, and he gave a sort of half shrug, sitting back with his bum on the heels of his feet. Ellie smiled too, amused by his attitude. <br/>“You must’ve been one of those kids that talk back to teachers and parents, right? A little gobshite.”<br/>He just looked back at her, his face unmoved. She liked the way the sunlight was brightening up his face. It made his freckles more pronounced. Those stupid, adorable freckles. She wanted to kiss them. <br/>And so she did. She closed the gap between them and pressed her lips against the spot between his eyes and his breadline. Alec held still. That alone was astonishing enough; everything usually took at least two attempts with him. One where he could be flinchy and squirmy and one where he got used to it. But if he was so unbothered by her lips on his skin…<br/>She left a trail of tiny little kisses across his face, down to his lips. When she kissed them, she held still right afterwards, waiting for Alec to give her the okay or the cold shoulder. But he didn’t move. Didn’t say anything. <br/>Ellie tried kissing him again, a little more forcefully this time, but still no longer than a second or two. He kissed her back. Ellie felt a sudden excitement flood through her, and she propped up one of her hands against his neck, her thumb pushing against his chin from below to tilt his head back. <br/>“I thought you’re mad at me.”, Alec whispered.<br/>“Convince me otherwise.”<br/>“Too tall of an order, I better give up now while I’m ahead.”<br/>“Quiet.”<br/>She caught his lips with hers again before he could speak another word. <br/>Just as wonderfully gentle as she remembered. Admittedly, the beard was a bit prickly but that was easy to ignore. His breath in the back of her mouth was distracting enough anyway. As was the beautiful feeling that ran down her spine, warming her entire body bit by bit. <br/>And yet, just when she was about to move her tongue over into his mouth, he pulled away. Almost like he knew what was about to come and aborted it. But he couldn’t have. She was just being silly. Just being a little more needy than she wanted to admit. Because she really hadn’t wanted to stop kissing him just yet. <br/>“I don’t mean to ruin the mood”, Alec said, and Ellie already knew he was about to ruin every possible mood there was. “but I need to go grocery shopping.”<br/>Ellie leaned away from him, perplexed. “Excuse me?”<br/>He opened his eyes mesmerisingly slowly. “Sorry.”<br/>“You remembered that just now? While…?”<br/>“Sorry.”, he said again.<br/>Ellie shook her head and gently hit him on the top of his head. “You have no manners.”<br/>“Sorry.”<br/>“Proving my point of you being a gobshite.”<br/>“S –”<br/>“If you say ‘sorry’ one more time, I will tear all of your hairs out one by one.”<br/>He just looked at her, silent again.<br/>“Better.”, she let him go and stood up to grab the nearest pen and piece of paper. “I’m writing you a list. I’ll cook dinner here tonight. Much easier than coming over after I eat on my own.”<br/>“And apparently I’m paying.”, Alec said, getting back up to his feet. <br/>“I’m contributing my part by making you a meal.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Why did you come back here if you wanted to go shopping anyway?”<br/>“I forgot my wallet.”<br/>“Right.”, Ellie muttered, although she could’ve sworn he still had had his wallet in this coat pocket. She finished off the list, and Alec was waiting by the table, his face stern but freckles glowing in the golden sunlight. Quite the juxtaposition. Ellie smiled.<br/>She handed him the list and he pocketed it without a single look at it.<br/>“Okay then. See you tonight.”<br/>She leaned over to give him another kiss but at the same time, he turned away and walked over to the door, not even noticing her attempt. Ellie looked after him as he mumbled a goodbye. <br/>He hadn’t had to pick up his wallet. It was still in his pocket. He’d just come back on a whim. Whatever that whim might have been.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie woke up confused as to why she was awake. It was pitch-black, clearly still the middle of the night. But she could hear something. Someone. <br/>She squinted her eyes, trying to see anything at all. It had to be Alec but the usual heat from his body under the same blanket was missing. Ellie reached out her hand, towards the sound and found the bed empty. <br/>“Alec?”<br/>The noise stopped. Purposefully choked. Ellie moved closer, her hand still searching for him. It hit something solid. Something warm. She grabbed it. Grabbed the back of his shirt. <br/>“What are you doing?”, she said. <br/>No answer. But she felt it. The shaking. He was crying.<br/>Ellie wrapped her arms around him from behind and pulled him back into bed from where he was sitting on the edge. <br/>“I’m cold.”, she told him, as if that was what this was about. <br/>He let it happen, let himself fall into the pillows. He was eerily quiet now. <br/>“Did it happen again?”, she asked him, careful not to explicitly mention the nightmares. <br/>The rustling told her he had nodded. <br/>“Alright.”, she dragged him around until they were both lying on their sides, facing each other. She took his face into her hands, feeling tears underneath her fingers. “You don’t have to say anything. But if you need anything, let me know.”<br/>He nodded again. More tears wet her fingers but mostly, they were running past them towards the pillow. <br/>“You’re safe here. I hope you know that. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”<br/>Without a word, Alec put one arm around Ellie, pulling her closer. She felt his other arm between them as he wrapped it around himself. Ellie gently pulled him into her arms as well, the top of his head pressed under her chin. <br/>“It’s all going to be alright. It’ll pass and you’ll be fine in the end. Just give it a little more time. Promise.”<br/>He shook his head. <br/>“I know you’re doing your best to fix everything, and it will all work out. I’ll help you. You’re not alone. You’ll always have me.”<br/>“Stop talking.”, Alec said. He sounded weak. His voice only a single wrong word away from breaking out into a sob. <br/>Ellie frowned, feeling a sting of rejection in her heart, and hating herself for it. This wasn’t the time for a hurt ego. If he needed silence, that was his choice. His wish. <br/>“Sorry.”, Ellie muttered. <br/>He lifted his head and kissed her cheek. Ellie mostly felt the scruff. <br/>“I don’t want you to cry.”<br/>“Be quiet.”, Alec said. <br/>“You’ll be okay, I –”<br/>“Seriously, shut up.” There was an edge to his voice now, overshadowing the choked crying. <br/>“Fine.”<br/>“Ignore it.”<br/>“No, come on. I want to help you.”<br/>“Help me by ignoring it.”<br/>“That’s not what I mean.”<br/>“You can’t help me.”<br/>“Are you sure?”<br/>“Unless you somehow never want to let me fall asleep ever again: Yes.”<br/>Ellie swallowed hard, brushing her hand through his hair as she didn’t know what to say anymore. She wished she could just magic his issues away but knew that as soon as he fell asleep, there’d be a good chance he was going to have another nightmare. That made her think though. <br/>“How often have you just pretended to be fine when I woke up? How many times have you hidden your nightmares from me?”<br/>He didn’t answer, Ellie could only hear his shaky breaths. At least he wasn’t crying anymore. <br/>“So you’re lying to me.”, Ellie went on. <br/>“I’m not lying.”<br/>“You are. Keeping things from me when you know very well that I would want to know about them is lying. When I ask you if you’re okay and you don’t tell me you feel like shit, it’s lying.”<br/>Again, no answer. <br/>“I’ve been very patient with you. I hope you know that. But you need to stop lying to me. You’re miserable! You’re ruining yourself even more for no reason. You know I’m only trying to help you and still you – you can’t even <em>tell</em> me when something happens.”<br/>Now he moved. He lifted his head, so she could see the reflection of his eyes in the dark. <br/>Then he kissed her. She frowned. That was unexpected. Not unpleasant, no, but unexpected. <br/>His hand grabbed the back of her neck, tender but determined. <br/>“Are you trying to distract me from being mad at you?”, she whispered against his lips. <br/>“It won’t work if you point it out.”<br/>She smiled. “You can be so sweet if you want to.”<br/>“I’m not sweet. I’m deceptive.”<br/>“Sure you are. Criminal mastermind.”<br/>“Educated criminals work within the law.”<br/>“Oh, don’t start. And don’t think I’ll just forget that you’re a mess.”<br/>“So don’t. But you can still postpone it.”<br/>“I suppose I can.”<br/>Her fingers gripped his hair tightly and she could hear him stifle a sigh. Did he like having his hair pulled? Alright.<br/>She moved her hand upwards to where his hair was longer and grabbed a fistful, then gently pulled his head to the side. She earned a deep exhale for that. <br/>Smiling, she ran her lips over his neck, feeling the hot skin and inhaling his scent. Well, scent was an overstatement. It was a mixture of stale cologne and fresh sweat. Gingerly, she kissed his neck. Alec’s fingers dug into the back of her neck, holding her close. He was definitely easy to please. A little tug on the hair, a little kiss on the neck. She wondered what else she should try to get some reactions out of him. <br/>But for now, she stuck to kissing his skin, just enjoying his breath in her ear. He liked this. He really liked this. It was funny how she could tell from nothing but the sound of his breath what he was into. <br/>“If you give me another hickey”, Alec whispered. “I’ll –”<br/>He cut himself off when she nicked his skin with her teeth. “You’ll what?”<br/>The provocation seemed to be working, his other hand finally came to life and he turned them both over, so he was above her. A familiar sight, even though Ellie had only seen it once before. She wished there was more light. She wanted to see his face, his eyes. The expression in them. Would she see lust? Eagerness? Playfulness even? <br/>“I’ll think of something when I’m not halfway asleep.”, he ultimately said. <br/>“Ugh, so much for you being sweet.”<br/>“Huh?”<br/>“Am I boring you? Is that why you’re ‘halfway asleep’? Am I not moving fast enough?”<br/>“What? No!”, he sounded genuinely offended she would think that. “Nothing like that.”<br/>“That better be true.”<br/>“It is.”<br/>Ellie nodded, put her hands on his shoulders and turned them once more. If one of them was going to be on top, it would be her. He’d learn that sooner or later. Not that he seemed to mind. Uselessly, his arms flopped back into the pillows as he lay beneath her. Ellie sat up, her hands on his chest. <br/>“Is this okay though? I wouldn’t want to do anything to stress you out even more after that nightmare.”<br/>“The nightmare I’m trying to distract myself from, yes.”<br/>“Sorry. Is it working?”<br/>“Was.”<br/>“Well, good.”, she let one hand wander across his neck and up to the top of his head, gripping his hair again. The sudden lack of movement in his chest told her he was holding his breath. She leaned down to his neck, pressing featherlight kisses against it. <br/>“Seriously”, Alec muttered, his chest vibrating beneath her hand. “be careful there. I bruise easily.”<br/>“Wait.”, she leaned over to the nightstand and picked up Alec’s phone, using the light from the screen to look at his neck. It was indeed a little red but didn’t look like it was bruising. Still, he really did have sensitive skin. Ellie dropped the phone and gently brushed her fingers through his hair. It was unfair how much less frizzy than hers it was. <br/>“You’re so fragile.”, Ellie said. <br/>“Mhm. I’ll make a list. Fragile, sweet, what else?”<br/>“An absolute twat.”, she gave him a kiss. <br/>“Okay.”<br/>Another kiss. Was it wrong to go along with it? To let him go from sobbing to making out this quickly just to pretend he was fine? Even if it wasn’t, her morals were far too inebriated by exhaustion to stop her. And Alec’s lips on hers really did help the decision as well. He was such a gentle kisser. No rush, no forcefulness. He kissed her like he had no plans to ever stop. Still, there was a need in it. A silent plea for her not to stop either. <br/>Blindly, Ellie searched for his hands, intertwining their fingers as she pressed them into the pillows. They, too, were sweaty. He wasn’t okay. <br/>Well, I’ll make him feel okay then, Ellie told herself. Distraction was a healthier coping mechanism than his usual antics. And she’d be getting something out of it too. It wasn’t like he was the only one with too much on his mind. She, too, could use the distraction. <br/>Slowly, she let go of his hand again and moved her arm down between them, feeling his chest, his ribs, his stomach, then she slipped her hand under the hem of his shirt and grabbed the waistband of his pants. He knocked her arm away with his knee before she could go any further. <br/>“Really?”, he whispered, sounding more tense than angry. Maybe even disappointed. “You think now is a good time to do that?”<br/>“Sorry.”, she took his hand again, then pressed a long kiss on his forehead. “I thought that was what you were going for. I misunderstood. No worries.”<br/>“I said I want to distract us, not have a heart attack.”<br/>Ellie pushed herself up a little more to look at his face. Well, at what she could see of it in the dark. “Is that really how it is? You can’t have sex without worrying you’re going to have a heart attack? I thought you’d just said that to get me off you that night.”<br/>“I did say that to get you off me. And it’s…it’s not that likely that I’d have a heart attack.”<br/>“Not that likely?”<br/>“Anything that raises my heart rate too much is a risk. But don’t worry about that, it’s about as risky as carrying home groceries. I’m not going to die. Minuscule chance. But what can finish me off is a shock, so don’t just do something that I’m not expecting, okay? Warn me.”<br/>She nodded. “Sure. So…now you’re warned, does that mean…?”<br/>He shook his head. “I’m not in the mood. Sorry.”<br/>“No, don’t apologise. All good. I’m tired anyway.”<br/>“Go to sleep then. I’ll be fine.”<br/>“You sure?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“I’ll still want to talk to you about that whole thing tomorrow morning, so if you even try to sneak off, I’ll rip your tongue out.”<br/>“Oddly specific.”<br/>“Be warned.”<br/>He nodded vaguely. “Fine. Night.”<br/>Satisfied, she moved a little to take her weight off him and only dropped her head on his chest now, while her leg and arm were loosely draped across his body, holding him close. She felt Alec’s hand on her back, drawing an endless line. She relaxed into the touch, just focusing on the feeling. <br/>“If you need me”, she murmured. “you wake me up. Is that clear? Don’t you dare let me sleep while you’re crying.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“We’ll see.”<br/>Ellie was quite certain he wouldn’t wake her up. He was the type to suffer in silence until someone caught him and he couldn’t hide it anymore. When Ellie did catch him crying, he finally became truly honest. It was terrible because Ellie hated seeing him so broken, but she loved the honesty it forced out of him. If only it didn’t take panic attacks and nightmares to get there.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec woke up and looked right into Ellie's eyes. <br/>“Jesus…”, he rolled over, putting a hand over his face. Ellie thought it was cute. <br/>“Good morning to you too.”<br/>“Why are you staring at me?”<br/>“Just watching you sleep.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“Does it bother you?”<br/>“Kind of, yeah.”<br/>“You look uncannily relaxed when you’re asleep. It’s nice to see. I never get to see you be anything other than tense.”<br/>“I’m not tense. I’m busy.”<br/>“Not always.”<br/>“Almost always.”<br/>“Don’t argue with me.”, she yawned. “It’s too early for that.”<br/>“Yeah, it’s too early to give me a fright too.”<br/>“Oh, don’t be so prissy again. How did you sleep?”<br/>“You know how I slept.”<br/>“Do I? Refresh my memory.”<br/>He sighed. “I had a nightmare and I feel like shit. Happy?”<br/>“Not happy. But thank you for telling me.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Were you fine after I went back to sleep?”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>She frowned. “You’re such a bad liar.” <br/>“Thank you.”<br/>She flicked her finger against his forehead.<br/>He groaned, pulling the blanket over his head. She snuck under the blanket too, propping herself up on her arms, one hand on each side of Alec’s shoulders. “Are you hiding?”<br/>“Excuse me, am I keeping you from staring at me again?”<br/>“I don’t want to stare at you unless you’re asleep.”<br/>“Lucky you, I have no plans to get up.”<br/>She smiled, threw back the blanket. <br/>“Great. Now I’m cold.”, Alec muttered, hugging himself and closing his eyes. <br/>Ellie brushed her hand over his cheek. “Bless.”<br/>He didn’t react.<br/>“We’re having breakfast in bed. I’ll be back in ten minutes, give or take.”<br/>She pressed a quick kiss on his forehead, then she got off the bed – not without one last look over her shoulder at Alec. Quite a sight, him in bed all folded in on himself. Ellie smiled on her way to her kitchen. <br/>Humming cheerfully, she picked up the big baking tray for a lack of anything else to transport a lot of food with and started taking things out of the fridge and cupboards. Honey, cheese, butter, just anything she could find to put on bread. Then the bread itself. Two cups of tea, a half-empty jug of orange juice, some leftover pancakes and of course plates and cutlery. It barely all fit. <br/>Carefully and slowly, she made her way back to the bedroom. Alec lay there exactly as she had left him. <br/>“Oy.”, she said. “Sit up.”<br/>Alec grumbled something unintelligible, opened his eyes, and pushed himself up into a sitting position with some difficulty. When Ellie was right by the bed, he took the tray from her so she could climb back under the blanket without dropping anything. Once they were both snug at each other’s side, they put the tray down, one end weighing on Ellie’s leg, the other on Alec’s.<br/>“That’s a lot.”, Alec said.<br/>“Dig in.”, Ellie said, already reaching for a pancake and one of the teacups. Alec, too, went for the tea but he skipped the solid foods for now. At least Ellie hoped it was just for now.<br/>“Been a while since I’ve had breakfast in bed.”, Ellie mumbled through a mouthful.<br/>“I don’t think I’ve ever had breakfast in bed.”<br/>“Oh? Well, then I’m glad to be there for your first time.”<br/>Alec rolled his eyes and sipped on his tea. That was all he did for quite some time after that. As Ellie ate her pancake and quickly chugged her cup, Alec just sat there, slowly drinking his own tea. Once he was done with that, he put the cup aside but didn’t bother actually eating any of the food. <br/>She wondered whether he had some sort of eating disorder. Be it caused by stress or something else, there had to be something. Him being skin and bones was one thing but now that she was spending ridiculous amounts of time with him every day, she really noticed how little he ate. Just enough to keep his body running. And whenever she’d mention it, he’d get defensive. <br/>She was already on her second slice of bread when she realised Alec still wasn’t doing anything. Not just not eating but not doing anything at all. She tried to watch him out of the corner of her eye as she carried on and sure enough, he only sat there, his eyes on her face. What freaked Ellie out though, was the smile. It took her a while to even notice it but once she did, it was impossible to ignore. <br/>Ultimately, she turned her head, meeting his eyes. He looked surprised, his eyebrows rising, then he quickly looked away, shifting to sit up straighter. <br/>“You alright?”, she asked, taking a bite. <br/>“Mhm.”, his eyes wandered across the food, restless. <br/>“What were you smiling about?”<br/>“Nothing.”<br/>“Nothing?”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re a bad liar?”<br/>“I’m just – this is nice. Okay? That’s all.”<br/>Ellie blinked, eying him up. He grabbed the orange juice, poured himself a glass, and immediately downing half of it. <br/>“Oh.”, Ellie said. “Well…I’m glad. Thank you.”<br/>He nodded, obviously avoiding eye contact now. <br/>She put her bread down, reached over to put her hand on the side of Alec’s face that was turned away from her, and tried to pull him in. He pushed her arm away though. <br/>“Don’t.”, he muttered. <br/>“Don’t what? I was just going to give you a kiss.”<br/>“I know. Don’t overdo it.”<br/>“Since when are you adverse to being physically affectionate?”<br/>He frowned, looked at her like she was crazy. <br/>“When we’re in bed I mean.”<br/>“Still.”<br/>She scoffed. “Fine. Be like that. But don’t come to me when you want a hug tonight.”<br/>Silence fell as they continued to eat, Alec sticking to a single slice of bread with butter and cheese; then he just sat there, arms folded over his chest and his face stern. <br/>Ellie wished she hadn’t brought up how he had been looking at her. He’d seemed so lost in thought. Like he was dreaming. Dreaming while looking at her. Dreaming about her? Fantasising?<br/>Let’s not go overboard, Ellie thought. <br/>She startled when he grabbed her arm and moved closer, placing the arm around his back as he wrapped his own arms around her waist and dropped his head on her shoulder. <br/>“I’m sorry.”, he said quietly. <br/>Ellie sighed, pulling him closer without knocking the food over. “Better.”<br/>Gently, Ellie ran her fingers through his hair, some of it standing on end or tangled from sleep. <br/>“I like that.”, Alec said. <br/>“What?”<br/>He pushed his head against her hand. “That.”<br/>Ellie smiled, excited that he was telling her that so freely. Maybe there was hope for him. He was definitely getting better, there was no denying that. <br/>Ellie kept brushing her fingers through his hair, closing her eyes, and letting her head fall backwards. <br/>“Can we stay in bed all day?”<br/>“Please.”, Alec said. <br/>“Do you have anywhere to be today?”<br/>“Not sure.”<br/>“Well, I’m keeping you. No discussion.”<br/>“No discussion needed.”<br/>Her smile grew bigger. “You’re awfully sweet today.”<br/>“Shut up.”<br/>“That sounds more like you.”<br/>“You can <em>think</em> that, but you don’t need to say it out loud.”<br/>“Just take the compliment, darling.”<br/>“Don’t – no. No fucking pet names.”<br/>She chuckled. “Okay, now you’re really waking up.”<br/>“Seriously.”<br/>“I’ve heard you on the phone with Daisy before; you call her ‘darling’ and ‘sweetheart’ all the time.”<br/>“That’s different.”<br/>“How?”<br/>He stammered something unintelligible, then gave up and shook his head.<br/>“Good talk.”<br/>“Oh, fuck you.”<br/>Ellie grabbed his hair a little more tightly and pulled his head up by it, making him look at her. Alec took a sharp breath, tensing up a little. His face was more telling though. The expression saying that he was merely surprised, not hurt. <br/>Ellie held his gaze, then leaned down and kissed his forehead. <br/>“You like that too?”<br/>He nodded sheepishly. <br/>“I figured. You hold your breath whenever I tug on your hair a little.”<br/>“Do I?”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>“You’re a good detective.”<br/>“I know, that’s why I deserved the job that you took from me.”<br/>“Are you still mad at me for that?”<br/>“Not mad, no. But”, she leaned closer to his face. “you owe me.”<br/>“I don’t owe you. Not for that at least.”<br/>“But you could still make it up to me.”<br/>“Could I?”<br/>The flirtation was obvious to her, but Alec’s tone clearly showed that he didn’t get it. But they were planning to stay in bed; it was early, so neither of them was drained of their energy yet; there was no rush, no pressure. If what she had suspected of him for a while now was true, this was the ideal time to try and work around the issue. <br/>“Listen…”, she let go his hair, sat up properly. “I’ve done some reading.”<br/>“On?”<br/>“Heart conditions. Cardiac arrest; arrhythmia, all that.”<br/>“Ah.”, the answer was curt, uneasy.<br/>“There’s uh – I have an idea of what the issue might be. And I get that – if that is the case – you would be reluctant to tell me about it.”<br/>Alec frowned, sitting up, which made him draw back his arms from her. Silently, Ellie put the breakfast on the floor next to the bed, Alec’s watchful eyes on her. <br/>“What do you mean? What issue?”, he said.<br/>“You know, intimacy. Physical contact that goes beyond kissing.”<br/>“Sex.”<br/>“Essentially.”<br/>“What does my heart have to –?”, he slowly leaned his head back, his expression utter confusion. “Wait, you don’t think…?”<br/>“Just be honest. It’s your health, not some stupid nuisance. If you have problems because of your heart, just tell me. We can work around it.”<br/>The way his mouth hung agape told her that she was way off. She felt her face flush. <br/>“I just read that that’s common in men with heart conditions because the blood supply obviously doesn’t prioritise those areas and the heart isn’t strong enough to pump  –”<br/>“Yeah, I know.”, he cut in. “You don’t need to go into details. I know how that works.”<br/>“So do you…have that problem?”<br/>“No!”<br/>The outrage only made her face even warmer. “Oh. Okay. Sorry.”<br/>Alec shook his head. “Is that what you think? That I want to have sex with you but can’t because I can’t ‘get enough blood where it would need to be’?”<br/>“It just came up as a common side effect when I was reading up on heart conditions.”<br/>“That doesn’t mean it applies to me.”<br/>“Okay. Fine. It doesn’t. Sorry for asking.”<br/>“I’m not trying to get you to sleep with me. No need to worry. Apologies if it came across like I was.”<br/>“You don’t think you kissing me like that and telling me you like having your hair pulled and me constantly staying in your bed makes it sound like that was part of the deal?”<br/>“There is no deal. I don’t have an endgame.”<br/>Ellie eyed up his face, wondering what he was thinking. “But you already know that I’m not necessarily opposed to taking it further.”<br/>“I’ve noticed that, yes. But you don’t need to have sex with me. It’s not like there’s a quota of physical contact you have to fulfil to get me to stay over. That’s really not the point. I just want to stay over. Or have you stay over; whatever is convenient. Anything beyond that is nice to have but not an absolute necessity.”<br/>Ellie didn’t quite know what to make of his words. There was something he wasn’t telling her, she knew it. Maybe he really did have problems with intimacy because of his heart but didn’t want Ellie to know. She couldn’t blame him for being embarrassed. She’d be embarrassed too if she was in his shoes. Actually, now that she thought about it…mornings did come with a certain side effect for men sometimes and in all the times she had woken up in Alec’s arms, he had never shown any sign of having that issue. That did make it plausible that he generally couldn’t physically have sex like a healthy person. But what he was saying just didn’t quite add up. Just when she was about to point it out, Alec spoke again. <br/>“Can we change the topic? I don’t want to fight. I was finally hopeful to have a nice morning.”<br/>His voice was barely passing his usual state of annoyance but there was a plea in his eyes. He really didn’t want to talk about this. But that meant one of three things. <br/>One: He wanted to have sex with her but couldn’t for medical reasons he didn’t want to articulate because he was embarrassed. Maybe not even related to his heart, maybe he was just really unlucky and had some other problem, too. <br/>Two: He wanted to have sex with her, but he was denying it to her and possibly to himself too. Knowing him, it was probably some sort of moral code. Don’t shag your co-worker. Or don’t shag the co-worker you’ve already been accused of having an affair with in court so you have the moral high ground and don’t have to lie when you deny it under oath. <br/>Well, it was either one of those options or – three: – he really didn’t want to have sex with her for some reason. But then why would he kiss her and act the way he did? He wanted the intimacy; he was provoking it. There was no mistaking that. But something was keeping him from crossing that last line. Maybe Claire was right about him and his unwavering loyalty. Maybe right now that loyalty was still tying him to the Latimers and the trial and a fear of the whole thing falling apart if the accusations that had sounded ludicrous a few months ago became reality. <br/>“Do you want me to leave?”<br/>Alec’s voice brought her back into the moment. <br/>“What? No, why?”<br/>“You look distraught. Am I being a cunt again?”<br/>“No. For once you’re being very civil. I was just thinking. Sorry. But no, I don’t want you to leave.”<br/>“Good.”<br/>Ellie dropped herself back into the pillows and grabbed Alec’s arm, pulling him down with her. He lay down next to her, but turned on his shoulder, showing his back to her. <br/>Without a word, Ellie wrapped her arms around him. She had gotten the gist of what he liked best by now. He liked it when she touched his hair; he liked having his neck kissed; he liked being the little spoon. She found it all endearing. He was quite awkward and clumsy. The opposite of the stoicism he usually wore on his face. The determination.<br/>Ellie leaned her head against his back. “I could stay here forever.”<br/>“Hm.”<br/>There was still a bit of an edge in the tone of his voice. Ellie felt a little guilty for assuming things about him now but really, it was his fault. If he just spoke up, they wouldn't have needed to have that conversation. Speaking of which…<br/>“Killjoy, I know, but about last night…you shouldn’t do that.”<br/>“What part of that?”<br/>“Hide from me.”<br/>“I wasn’t hiding.”<br/>“No, you were crying. While I was sleeping.”<br/>“I didn’t want to bother you.”<br/>“It’s not a bother.”<br/>“Even if so, there’s no point to it. You can’t help me.”<br/>“Let me at least try.”<br/>He shook his head.<br/>“Alec, please. Don’t pretend like you don’t know I care about you.”<br/>“Doesn’t matter.”<br/>“It does to me.”<br/>“Listen.”, he said firmly. “If my choice is between getting a hug and a few affirmative words to feel a little less shit or not having you see me cry like a pathetic fucking wreck, I’ll gladly take the latter option.”<br/>Ellie felt her heart sting. Determinedly, she drew her arms back from him, only to put a hand on his shoulder and push him onto his back, so she could look in his eyes, half leaning over him.<br/>“Don’t say that.”<br/>He just looked at her, not saying a word.<br/>“Seriously, that’s – ‘a pathetic fucking wreck’? You’re none of those things. You’re just…just unlucky. And stupid. God, you can be so agonisingly stupid.”<br/>He averted his eyes, his expression unchanged. <br/>“Stop beating yourself up like that. I’m a wreck, too, but I work through it. I don’t just put the blame for everything bad in the world on myself and accept that my life is a mess. I’m doing the best I can to change it.”<br/>“Too.”, Alec said.<br/>“What?”<br/>“You said you’re a wreck, <em>too</em>. Meaning you do see me as exactly that.”<br/>“Don’t twist my words.”<br/>“And don’t tell me I’m not trying everything I can to fix what I’ve done.”, his eyes met hers again, a spark in them this time. A danger. “That only makes it worse.”<br/>She nodded. “Sorry.”<br/>He nodded back. “Now stop ruining my morning.”<br/>“You ruined my night.”<br/>He gave a hollow laugh at that. “Wow.”<br/>“Sorry.”, she squeezed his arm. “That was the perfect setup.”<br/>At least his answer was dripping in sarcasm: “Perfect setup or not, no need to trample on my poor wee fragile broken heart.”<br/>“Poor wee fragile ego, more like.”<br/>“Left my ego in the court room ages ago. Haven’t missed it since.”<br/>Ellie rolled her eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.”<br/>“What, <em>I'm</em> dramatic? Listen to yourself, woman, you’re the one telling me to wake you up when I shed a tear.”<br/>“Yes, but that’s because you’re a pretty crier.”<br/>This time, he gave out a huff, his mouth agape in astonishment, but it still wasn’t a proper laugh. “You’re on a run today.”<br/>“You know I don’t mean that.”<br/>“Oh, now you’re saying I’m ugly?”<br/>“I wouldn’t let you into my bed if I thought you were that ugly.”<br/>“Aye, you would. I’m your only option.”<br/>Ellie’s jaw dropped. “Oh, you cunt. You take that back.”<br/>“You’re the one calling me ugly.”<br/>“I’m not!”, she could hear the whiney twang in her voice. “God, you’re annoying.”<br/>“Ah, I see. That’s why you like me better when I’m crying: Less annoying. Got it. Clever.”<br/>“No, you know what you are when you’ve just cried? Clingy. Unusually physical.”<br/>He took a deep breath, held it, and she could see the gears in his brain grind as he searched for a comeback. “Right, the list.”, he said. “We’re adding to the list. What have we got? Things you think of me: I’m fragile, stupid, ugly, and apparently a slutty crier.”<br/>Ellie couldn’t help but laugh at that. “A slutty crier?”<br/>Alec smiled. It was a beautiful sight. <br/>“I’m changing your name in my phone contacts to that.”<br/>“I dare you.”<br/>“Don't provoke me, I’ll do that.”<br/>“I’d love to see it.”<br/>Ellie rolled over and reached for her phone on the nightstand, unplugging the cable. <br/>She opened her contacts and searched for Alec’s name, although she instinctively typed ‘Hardy’ instead of ‘Alec’.<br/>“I’m devastated you don’t already have me saved as some sort of an insult.”, Alec said.<br/>“I can give you a list of people at the station who do.”<br/>“Hm.”<br/>Ellie went into editing and erased the name, typing ‘Slutty Crier’ instead.<br/>“I’m going to check that in a month to make sure you don’t cave and change it back.”<br/>Ellie put her phone away again. “Can’t wait.” And she gave him a confident smile.<br/>Alec held her gaze but then shook his head. <br/>She lowered her head a little, looking earnestly at him. “Do you want me to change it back? Are you taking this personally?”<br/>“No. All good.”<br/>“Yes. Good.”, she leaned over and gave him a kiss. This time, he let her. Relieved, she moved closer, pressing her body against his so she was atop of him. Straddling him, in fact. <br/>Alec’s mouth opened on hers and his hot breath hit the back of her throat. He had a bit of morning breath but not too bad. Not enough to be a turn-off. And the way he moved his lips against hers was too wonderful to be bothered anyway. <br/>Although – even after their tongues finally touched and the kiss got more heated, she couldn’t help but think about one very particular fact: She was sitting on his hips. She was pressed up right against him. And he wasn’t squirming to get away or whatever else he usually did. She had half a mind to just put her hand between his legs but knew better than to push him. If this was going to happen, it would have to be slowly. Step by step. This wasn’t a race after all. And really, dragging out the make-out session just a little longer wasn’t too bad either. <br/>Fully out of breath, she moved down a little, kissing Alec’s neck instead, sighing at the feeling of his hot skin beneath her lips. His hand dropped onto the back of her neck, holding her closely against him while wordlessly telling her to keep going. But not too much, she reminded herself. She really didn’t want to embarrass him by giving him yet another hickey. <br/>So, after taking her time caressing both sides of his neck extensively with her lips and tongue and teeth, she lifted her head and met Alec’s eyes. He just looked at her, his eyes big and endlessly deep. He really was quite handsome, wasn’t he?<br/>Instead of allowing herself to smile, she kissed him on the lips again and coaxed a little moan out of him. Barely loud enough to be noticeable, but there nonetheless. It only made her gingerly rock her hips against his.<br/>The doorbell had them both jerk and Alec muttered a “Fuck…” when Ellie accidentally bit his tongue. <br/>“Sorry.”, she whispered, giving him another quick kiss to apologise. <br/>“Ye expectin’ anybody?”, Alec said, not moving at all.<br/>“Not that I – oh God.”<br/>“What?”<br/>“Get up, you can’t be in my bed.”<br/>She grabbed his arm, roughly pulling him with her as she stumbled out of bed. Blindly, she picked up Alec’s dress shirt and pants, tossing them at him. “Fix yourself up. Hurry.”<br/>Alec’s eyes narrowed but he slipped on the shirt. “Who’s behind the door? Do you have some secret love affair you need to hide me from?”<br/>“No.”, Ellie hissed. <em>You are</em> my secret love affair, you dimwit., she added in her mind. “Just don’t say anything.” She pushed him into the kitchen and pulled the door shut, just as the bell rang a second time.<br/>Taking a deep breath, she walked over to the front door and opened. Tom looked at her with the defiant look he had made his staple over the last weeks. <br/>“Sorry, I forgot the time.”, Ellie said, putting on a smile. “Glad you’re here.”<br/>“Right.”, Tom said, following her into the flat. “Auntie says to pass on greetings.”<br/>“Oh, tell her thank you from me.”<br/>He nodded. <br/>“So, how are you?”<br/>“Fine, I guess.”<br/>“That doesn’t sound too good.”<br/>“I just want things to be normal again.”<br/>Ellie averted her eyes. “Right. Yeah, me too. And they will be. Just not right now.”<br/>“I know.”<br/>“Is Lucy treating you nicely?”<br/>“Yeah, she lets me eat more candy than you.”, he grinned the boyish grin Ellie was so used too. She didn’t even care that Lucy was spoiling him, as long as she got to see that smile again.<br/>“Don’t get used to it.”, she nudged his shoulder.<br/>“Too late. Can I have something to drink?”<br/>“Yeah, of course.”<br/>Her heart was beating like crazy when she opened the door to the kitchen. Alec was standing at the sink, filling up the kettle and looking astonishingly innocent. <br/>“Morning.”, he said to Tom, then turned his head away again. Maybe Ellie had been mistaken and he wasn’t as bad of a liar as she thought. <br/>“Uh…morning.”, Tom replied, eyeing Alec up suspiciously. <br/>“Sorry, we were talking about work and I forgot the time.”, Ellie quickly said. “Hardy, is there enough water for Tom as well?”<br/>“I don’t want tea.”, Tom chimed in. “I want soda.”<br/>“I don’t have soda. It’s either tea, milk or water.” Well, or orange juice but that was beside the bed. <br/>“Milk then.”, Tom sat at the table, not looking all that excited anymore. <br/>Ellie brushed past Alec, trying way too hard not to touch him. It wasn’t that she wanted to touch him really badly, she was just scared of anyone else seeing her touch him. Silently, Ellie opened the fridge and pulled out the milk. <br/>“I’ll head off then.”, Alec said, not even looking at Ellie as he walked back into the bedroom.<br/>“One second.”, she told Tom and left the milk on the table for him to pour himself a glass as she hurried after Alec, closing the door behind them. The bedroom looked a right mess, especially with the leftovers of the breakfast still on the floor next to the bed. At least they were on the side that Tom hadn’t seen when walking in. <br/>Alec was picking up his jacket, socks, coat, and shoes, putting them on while sitting on the edge of the bed. Ellie looked at him silently, not daring to say a word as long as Tom could hear them. Ultimately, she took the shoes out of Alec’s hands and grabbed his wrist, pulling him after her out of the flat. The hallway was empty and once the door was closed, she felt a little freer. <br/>“Sorry.”, she handed him the shoes back and he knelt down to put them on. “I completely forgot that he was coming over.”<br/>“Hm.”<br/>“Thanks for changing that quickly. And not saying anything to Tom.”<br/>“My pyjama bottoms are in the back of the cupboard on the far right.”, he exhaled deeply as he straightened up. “Didn’t know where else to put them.”<br/>Ellie nodded. “Okay. I’ll bring them over.”<br/>“Mhm.”<br/>“Sorry again. Don’t take it personally that I…” She couldn’t even say it. <em>That I’m hiding you from my son. That I’m hiding you because I’m ashamed of admitting to anyone that I like you. Including myself. And including you.</em><br/>“I know.”, he simply said and walked away. Ellie looked after him, feeling awful. <br/> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were taking a walk. Neither of them had been particularly tired or thrilled to do anything else today, so they settled on walking until all the pent-up energy would disappear. They also didn’t want to run into anyone who could potentially bother them – which was most people nowadays – so they took Ellie’s car out of town a bit and just walked by the shore, far enough away not to get their shoes sandy.<br/>
“Have you heard anything from Claire?”, Ellie said.<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“Do you think she’s meeting with Lee again?”<br/>
“Probably, yeah. But I wouldn’t give them the credit and call it ‘meeting’. He’s just coming over so they can have sex. Nothing more.”<br/>
“Are you sure?”<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“That’s good.”<br/>
“It’s not good.”<br/>
“Having sex is very low on the list of terrible things they could do together. It’s actually more on the good-things list, Claire seems more content.”<br/>
“Does she? Hm.”<br/>
“But she said nothing about her seeing us either?”<br/>
“No. Not a word.”<br/>
“So she was bluffing.”<br/>
“She never threatened us.”<br/>
“Why else would she wait for one of us to wake up?”<br/>
He shrugged.<br/>
“I’m sure she was trying to send us a message.”<br/>
“Yeah.”, he frowned, stopped walking. He should tell her. He owed her the honesty. “She took pictures.”<br/>
Ellie stopped too, turned around. “What?”<br/>
“When we left, she told me she took pictures of us in bed.”, he pushed his hands into his pockets, staring at the ground. “That’s why I panicked.”<br/>
Ellie was quiet, which only worried Alec more.<br/>
“So it’s not just her word. She has proof.”<br/>
“Yeah.”<br/>
“Why didn’t you tell me?”<br/>
“Don’t start, Miller.”<br/>
“Seriously! That is so stupid of you.”<br/>
“I didn’t want you to worry.”<br/>
“You’re an idiot.”<br/>
He sucked his teeth.<br/>
“Did she show you?”<br/>
He shook his head.<br/>
“Ask her to. Don’t mention that you told me.”<br/>
“Now?”<br/>
“Yes, now! You should’ve asked her a week ago, so now might already be too late."<br/>
Alec pulled out his phone and dialled Claire’s number. Ellie was watching him as he held the phone up to his ear. He turned away but almost immediately felt Ellie’s hand on his arm as she leaned closer to hear something.<br/>
He pushed her away; she hit his arm in retort.<br/>
“Evening.”, Claire said.<br/>
“Do you still have the photos?”<br/>
“Oh, straight into business.”<br/>
“Do you?”<br/>
“Of course.”<br/>
“Can you show me?”<br/>
She made a suggestive noise. „Why? Need them for your own collection?”<br/>
“Why did you take them in the first place?”<br/>
“Insurance. In case you try anything funny.”<br/>
“You want to blackmail me?”<br/>
He saw Ellie’s eyes grow as he said that.<br/>
“Not 'want to'. I trust you.”<br/>
“If you trusted me you wouldn’t need an insurance.”<br/>
“Who says it’s about you breaking my trust?”<br/>
“The fact that it’s me in the pictures.”<br/>
“Not just you. But anyway, doesn’t matter. Come over if you want to see.”<br/>
“Tomorrow afternoon.”<br/>
“Why not now?”<br/>
“Because I’m not alone.”<br/>
“You can take Ellie with you.”<br/>
“No. Tomorrow.”<br/>
“Fine. Have fun with your girlfriend then.”<br/>
“She’s not – I don’t have time for this.”, he just hung up, pocketed his phone again.<br/>
“What did she say?”, Ellie said.<br/>
“We’ll drive over tomorrow. I don’t think she has any plans though.”<br/>
“For the photos, you mean?”<br/>
He nodded. “I think she wanted to have a plan but couldn’t figure out what to do with them.”<br/>
“I hope so.”<br/>
“We should go home.”<br/>
“Tired?”<br/>
“A little.”<br/>
“How are you tired when we have a million things to worry about?”<br/>
“You’re the one always telling me I don’t sleep enough.”<br/>
“No, I’m the one always telling you that you don’t eat enough.”<br/>
“That too.”<br/>
“Because I don’t want you to feel sick every day.”<br/>
“You don’t want me to look sick every day.”<br/>
Ellie smirked at that. “I wouldn’t mind you looking a bit less like you’re dying.” She stepped closer and put her hand on his cheek.<br/>
“You shouldn’t do that in public.”, Alec said although the touch sent a shiver down his spine. The good kind. The kind that made you feel all relaxed.<br/>
“Your beard is prickly.”, Ellie said.<br/>
“That’s on purpose.”<br/>
“What for?”<br/>
“Keeping people away.”<br/>
“Because I’m sure you have women lined up trying to get with you.”<br/>
He snorted quietly. “Sure.”<br/>
She pulled her hand back and turned a little to stand next to instead of in front of him. They looked out over the sea, the water glistening. Apart from the waves, it was dead silent.<br/>
“Do you want to keep walking or go back home?”<br/>
“I want to sink into a hole in the ground.”<br/>
“That won’t happen.”<br/>
“Shame.”<br/>
“Even if it could, I wouldn’t let it happen.”<br/>
“Oh, you absolutely would.”<br/>
“No, I –”<br/>
“You would give me a hearty shove and be glad to see me gone.”, he was joking, of course. Mostly.<br/>
Ellie chuckled. “Right, obviously.”<br/>
“Don’t agree with that. What kind of a –”, he searched for a word but came up blank. Fuck. “something…are you?”<br/>
“What kind of a ‘something’ am I?”<br/>
“Don’t.”<br/>
“Couldn’t find a term for it?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“That’s fine. As long as we’re on the same page.”<br/>
How exactly were they on the same page? But he didn’t say that. He couldn’t because he’d have to admit things to her then. Staring out over the waterand pretending this was all fine was much easier.<br/>
“Let’s go back home.”, Ellie said.<br/>
Alec nodded.<br/>
The drive home was quiet, but it was easy to tell that they were both grumpy. Talking could wait, it would only end in an argument right now. Alec was thankful that Ellie wasn’t being as talkative as usual because he really couldn’t have handled that right now. Silence was fine. Silence in company. But words were too much.<br/>
It was already dark when they walked up the stairs to Alec’s home. He held the door open for her, she switched the lights on and immediately let the blinds down.<br/>
Alec didn’t comment, just took off his coat and shoes.<br/>
“Do you want some tea?”, Ellie asked, filling up the kettle already.<br/>
“No. And I think I might be out of bags.”<br/>
Ellie opened the tea box and sighed. He was indeed out of teabags. “This night keeps getting worse.”<br/>
Silently, Alec pulled out a bottle of Scotch from underneath the sink and put it in front of Ellie.<br/>
“That’s more like it.”, she took a look at the bottle. “Scotch for the Scot. You’re such a cliché.”<br/>
Alec ignored her and took a glass to put it in front of Ellie, then turned away and sat at the kitchen table.<br/>
“You don’t want one?”, Ellie asked.<br/>
“No. Didn’t have a good day today. Heart-wise. Had to take a lot of pills already, so I don’t want to risk anything.”<br/>
She nodded, poured herself a glass and sat across from him.<br/>
“Well, can’t blame you. Court was particularly shit today, no wonder you’re exhausted.”<br/>
“Yeah…”<br/>
“A toast to innocent until proven guilty.”, she added, holding up her glass.<br/>
“May Joe get what he deserves.”, Alec murmured, looking at the blinds instead of Ellie. He could still see her in his periphery though.<br/>
“Cheers.”, she took a sip, pulled a face. Didn’t seem like she liked the taste.<br/>
Then she eyed up Alec’s face as if trying to figure out what he was thinking about.<br/>
He frowned. “Why are you staring at me?”<br/>
“Just thinking.”<br/>
“You can do that without staring.”<br/>
“Your face is bland enough to not distract me from my thoughts.”<br/>
“You’re not drunk enough to get away with saying that.”<br/>
“Take a mirror and tell me I’m wrong.”<br/>
“Because you’re so exciting, are you?”<br/>
She shrugged. “Anyway. I feel like we should figure this out.”<br/>
“What?”<br/>
“You know, talk about it like adults.”<br/>
“About what?”<br/>
“Well – let me put it like this: What is this?”<br/>
He frowned. “What is what?”<br/>
“This. You know.”<br/>
He just blankly stared back.<br/>
“Us.”<br/>
“Oh.”, he looked away again. “I don’t know.”<br/>
“Then figure it out.”<br/>
“You figure it out.”<br/>
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”<br/>
“And I don’t know either.”<br/>
“So change that.”<br/>
“You’re the one who wants to know. I don’t care.”<br/>
“We need to be on the same page about it though.”<br/>
“You said we are on the same page.”<br/>
“But the more I think about it, the less sure I am, so we need to talk it out.”<br/>
“Do we?”<br/>
“Yes. Obviously.”<br/>
“Mh.”<br/>
She glared at him. “I have half a mind to empty the bottle over your head.”<br/>
He sighed dramatically, leaning back with his hands over his face. “If you’re concerned about the moral reprehensibility of an affair: this can’t be an affair because, by definition, we’d have to have had sex for that.”<br/>
“Is that going to change? D’you think?”<br/>
Alec lowered his hands while she was watching him closely. He frowned. “Are you asking me to have sex with you?”<br/>
“No.”<br/>
“I think you are.”<br/>
“I’m not.”<br/>
He just turned his head away, staring at the blinds again. He was so used to glancing out of windows to avoid looking at people that he hadn’t even consider how stupid it looked when he couldn’t actually look outside. Too late now.<br/>
“Doesn’t matter anyway. We still need to figure this out.”, Ellie added.<br/>
“I still don’t care.”<br/>
“You mean you’re still a coward with a fragile ego.”<br/>
His fists tightened to the point where his knuckles were snow white. Did she know? No, that was impossible. She was just jabbing at him for telling her off. She couldn’t know. He was safe. Just play it off. Ignore that curious look on her face. Shit, she knew something was up.<br/>
“I’m going to bed.”, he said, standing up.<br/>
“No!”, Ellie got up too, standing in his way. “You’re just proving my point if you run away again.”<br/>
“I don’t care what you think of me.”<br/>
“I don’t believe you.”<br/>
“I don’t care whether you believe me.”<br/>
Ellie clenched her teeth. “Okay, I’m going to be the adult of us right now and apologise for snapping at you.”<br/>
“Great.”<br/>
She narrowed her eyes a little.<br/>
“I’m tired.”, he added.<br/>
“Do you still want me to stay?”<br/>
“Yeah.” It took strength to say that. To admit it.<br/>
She nodded. Alec nodded too, quicker though, sharper. He wanted to end this conversation.<br/>
Ellie seemed to notice, looked sorry now.<br/>
She put a hand on his shoulder, got on her tiptoes and gently kissed him. Nothing serious, just a peck. An oddly long peck. Longer than he had expected anyway. And she probably would’ve made it last even longer if Alec hadn’t pulled away.<br/>
He stepped back, folded his arms over his chest. He was still in defence mode.<br/>
“How about we cook tomorrow?”, Ellie said.<br/>
“What?” He was bemused but Ellie looked offended by that reaction.<br/>
“You know, make a nice dinner together. Getting bloody tired of cooking for you all the time without you helping.”<br/>
“We have to be in court tomorrow.”<br/>
“Not the whole day, obviously.”<br/>
“No, I mean…I mean that we’ll already spend the entire morning and possibly noon together. Do you really want to invite me around after that?”<br/>
She smiled. “If you pull yourself together and don’t make me want to rip your head off before court is done for the day.”<br/>
He nodded slowly. “I’ll see what I can do. But I don’t like cooking.”<br/>
She silently looked at him.<br/>
He sighed. “Go on, I know you want to say it.”<br/>
“No wonder you’re just skin and bones if you hate cooking.”<br/>
He shook his head. “You’re so predictable.”<br/>
“We’ll cook anyway. Something simple. You can chop vegetables; I’ll do the main work.”<br/>
He wasn’t really excited about the prospect but didn’t think arguing would be feasible right now. Instead, he turned away, went into his bedroom and pulled out his sleeping clothes. Ellie followed him.<br/>
“Can I borrow clothes?”<br/>
“If you give me money.”<br/>
“I’ll make you breakfast again.”<br/>
He made an approving face. “Sounds fair.”<br/>
“Great.”, she gave him another quick kiss, then grabbed some clothes for herself.<br/>
He wondered if this really felt as natural to her as she was portraying. It was still new and awkward for him in any case and he wasn’t sure he was behaving right. Definitely not according to her expectations but maybe not even to his own. He didn’t want kisses to become such a meaningless thing that just happened whenever. It was innocent and normal for Ellie but way too intimate for such trivialities for him. But he couldn’t tell her that. He couldn’t risk another fight. Couldn’t risk her being fed up with him and leaving. Better this than sleeping alone again.<br/>
“Miller.”, he said just when she was about to head to the bathroom to change.<br/>
She looked at him, waiting.<br/>
“Uh…”, he swallowed hard. “Thank you.”<br/>
“What for?”<br/>
“Putting up with me. I know I’m a mess.”<br/>
She looked surprised, confused even. “Of course. I’m not currently in a condition to put up with most people but you’re alright. I like being here with you. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”<br/>
He lowered his eyes. That was more than he was willing to admit. Ellie stepped up to him, touching his chin to move his head and have him meet her eyes. “Too much?”<br/>
He nodded.<br/>
“You need to learn to take a compliment.”, she snuck her arms around him.<br/>
He didn’t say anything, just let her hug him.<br/>
“You’re not as bad as you like to think.”, she added.<br/>
“You don’t know that.”<br/>
“I do know that. You might be the most loyal person I’ve ever met.”<br/>
He just shook his head. He didn’t have the energy to explain to her why she was wrong.<br/>
“Don’t disagree with me. I know what you’re like.”<br/>
“You only know what you want to believe. But in any case, hugging’s great and all, but can you let me go?”<br/>
Ellie leaned back, her hands still on him though. “Are you okay?”<br/>
“I’m tired and exhausted and not in the mood to talk.”<br/>
She nodded. “Fine. You should be fit for tomorrow.”<br/>
She let him go, grabbed the clothes and went into the bathroom. Feeling completely drained, Alec changed clothes and crawled into bed. He exhaled deeply, closing his eyes.<br/>
He really didn’t want to think about the morning. About all the bullshit he’d have to put up with again.<br/>
Before he could get too into his head though, the bed creaked, and Ellie lay down next to him. Without a word, he rolled over and pulled her against his chest. He heard her chuckle.<br/>
“You’re getting better at this.”<br/>
He didn’t respond, just leaned down, and gave her a kiss. When he was about to pull away, she buried her hand in his hair, keeping him close. Her mouth opened on his.<br/>
Hm. Okay. He was fine with that. As long as Ellie wouldn’t try any funny business. But he trusted her to stop. He had to.<br/>
And it did feel nice, he wasn’t denying that. Her tongue in his mouth. Her teeth against his lips. Yeah, it was good. He could even get used to her hand trailing along his waist as long as it was above his clothes.<br/>
He flinched though when he heard a sudden sound behind him. It took a moment for him to realise that it was just his phone.<br/>
“Shut it off.”, Ellie muttered, giving him enough space to move again. He nodded, reached over, picked it up from the nightstand but hesitated when he saw the name.<br/>
“Claire.”, Ellie said.<br/>
He nodded.<br/>
“Could be important.”<br/>
“Could be.”<br/>
“Just answer already.”<br/>
He took the call, held the phone up to his ear. “This better be urgent.”<br/>
“Did I interrupt you? Plural ‘you’, that is.”<br/>
He sighed. “What do you want?”<br/>
“Is she with you?”<br/>
“Yes.”<br/>
“Are you in bed?”<br/>
“Is that why you called? To make sure I stick to my assigned bedtime?”<br/>
“Sure. Someone has to.”<br/>
“Terrific. Are we done?”<br/>
“Are you in bed with her, Alec?”<br/>
“Why do you care?”<br/>
“Wouldn’t want to interrupt you while you’re having sex.”<br/>
“I wouldn’t have picked up if I had been.”<br/>
“Not naked then?”<br/>
“Get a grip, Claire.”, he hung up, shut his phone off and tossed it back onto the nightstand.<br/>
Ellie frowned at him. “What was that about?”<br/>
“I don’t know.”<br/>
“Bit weird.”<br/>
“She’s just mad at me for calling her out on her bullshit.”<br/>
Ellie sighed. “Just forget about her. We’ll deal with that in the morning.”<br/>
Her hands cupped his face, and her lips met his again. “Don’t let her get between us.”<br/>
“Mhm.”<br/>
“No space between you and me, okay? Not a single centimetre.”<br/>
“Fine.”<br/>
“Charming.”<br/>
She let it slide though, pressed up against him as they kissed some more. Alec wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, he just kept them still on her back while hers were always doing something. Brushing though his hair, running over his shirt, touching his face. He was just passive. Was that bad? Ellie didn’t seem to mind. At least she wasn’t complaining. Or was all that movement coming from her a hint that he ought to do something as well? Stop thinking about it. Just stop. Just enjoy it.<br/>
Ellie leaned away. He could still feel her breath on his face, but that touch was gone. He’d missed it.<br/>
Angry at himself, he clenched his jaw. Ellie didn’t seem to notice. Instead, she moved her head down, he felt the tip of her nose against his throat. Her lips touched his skin right above his collar, then she pulled his collar down, kissing his chest. He stiffened, getting uncomfortable. And while he was still searching for an excuse to have not have her stop kissing him but only to stop kissing him there or preferably just move back up to his neck, her hands were on the hem of his shirt and pulled it upwards.<br/>
His hands caught her wrists so quickly that she startled.<br/>
He swallowed hard. “That’s not a good idea.”, he managed to say.<br/>
“Why?”<br/>
Yeah, why? What could he say to explain? “I’m tried.”<br/>
That was barely an excuse and definitely not an explanation.<br/>
“Are you?”<br/>
“I've told you I’m tried about twenty times.”<br/>
“That didn’t seem to stop you.”<br/>
“It’s stopping me now.”<br/>
“But you always say that. You’re always tired or exhausted or not in the mood.”<br/>
“I have a lot on my plate. You know that.”<br/>
She sighed, let go of his shirt. “<em>Fine</em>. Another time then.”<br/>
He closed his eyes, relaxing.<br/>
“You’re such a princess.”<br/>
She gave him another quick peck, then moved a little and lay down properly again. Alec rolled over, his back to her.<br/>
“Sulking?”<br/>
“No. You say I’m the girl.”<br/>
Silence. Then it clicked. “Sexist princess? Huh. Who says the girl has to be the little spoon?”<br/>
As if they didn't both know that he was always the little spoon. “Oh, I’m the one using stereotypes? Did you black out that time you told me if I was gay, I’d…whatever. You know what you said. So get a mirror.”<br/>
“Shut up.”<br/>
Her arms snuck around him, hands both settling on his chest as she held him against her. This might be his favourite thing to do with Ellie. Her just holding him without him having to do much. Maybe that was lazy. But to him it just felt comforting. If being needy and liking a feeling of being protected and safe made him a princess, then fine, he’d be a bloody princess. He didn’t care what Ellie called him as long as she would never let him go again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec felt a first wave of nervousness wash over him as he rang Claire’s doorbell. <br/>Ellie was wearing his jumper. He hadn’t paid much attention to it when she had shown up in the kitchen while he was coming out of the bathroom but in the car, it had finally clicked. She hadn’t even asked him if she could borrow it. Just taken it. It wasn’t obvious that it was his. Just a plain navy knit jumper. But now that he was paying attention to it, he was pretty sure that the dress shirt underneath that jumper was also his. He could only see the collar and the ends at the hem of the jumper, but it would only make sense. He couldn’t actually remember what she had been wearing the day before but if she had taken his jumper, she had probably taken his dress shirt too. <br/>He himself was in his usual suit but felt more uncomfortable in it than ever. He could feel the fabric against his skin like it was sandpaper. <br/>The door swung open and Alec forced his attention toward Claire. She was smiling politely and held the door open for them. <br/>“Morning.”<br/>“Hey.”, Alec heard Ellie say but he himself stayed silent, just headed straight for the kitchen. <br/>“How did you sleep?”, Claire said, and Ellie replied with a surprisingly cheerful “Oh, great. Haven’t slept that well in a while.”<br/>“That’s good to hear.”<br/>“Give me your phone.”, Alec chimed in.<br/>Claire eyed him up, unimpressed, then sat down at the table. Ellie stood by Alec’s side, looked at him nervously. <br/>“Why?”<br/>“You know why.”, Alec said. <br/>She smiled. “Oh, look at you two here together.” She pulled out her phone, typed on it. Alec’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He shot Claire a look, took out the phone and looked at the message. She had sent him several pictures, two dark and barely anything visible on them, but the rest was well lit, presumably from the morning after. He swallowed hard. It was difficult to look at. <br/>He could make out his own face, and Ellie’s just over his shoulder. Her arms around him. They were clearly both asleep, but it looked like she was clinging onto him. <br/>He felt Ellie’s arm against his as she moved closer, trying to see the screen as well. Silently, he handed her the phone and folded his arms over his chest, scowling at Claire. She raised an eyebrow.<br/>“Don’t look so disgruntled. They’re cute pictures.”<br/>“They are.”, Ellie said. “Would you please delete them?” She put on a fake smile. <br/>Claire looked from Ellie to Alec and back. “Can I have him alone for a minute?”<br/>“No.”, Ellie said. <br/>“Don’t worry, I’ll get him back to you in mint condition.”<br/>Ellie glanced at Alec, who shrugged. <br/>“He’ll tell me everything anyway.”<br/>“Well, then you’re welcome for giving you something to talk about on the drive home.”<br/>A sigh, then Ellie got moving. “Fine.”<br/>Alec looked after her as she closed the door. <br/>“Listen, Alec”, Claire said. “I’ll delete the photos; you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about that. But I need you to promise me something in return.”<br/>“What?”<br/>“That I can trust you. That you will do everything you can to keep me save.”, her eyes were intense on him. <br/>He frowned. “You already know that.”<br/>“Do I? Then how did Lee find me? How did he get my number? Why did you tell Ellie? Why don’t you ever tell me what’s actually going on with the case?”<br/>“Lee only found you by looking for me because he figured I’d know where you are. I don’t know how he got your number. Probably saw it scribbled down somewhere when he broke into my home. I told Miller because I trust her, and I needed help. I don’t tell you every update because it’s an investigation and you’re not police. Anything else you would like to accuse me of?”<br/>She glared at him, pondering. “I don’t want you to get side-tracked. That’s all. I know you already have a lot on your mind with the trial, but when I tell you that I need you, I need to be sure that you won’t just ignore me for three days and then show up unannounced with your lapdog. This is my life, Alec.”<br/>“I know that. And if I didn’t care about your wellbeing, I would’ve just left you here long ago. Just let me handle things, call me if you need me, and don’t let Lee in.”<br/>“Easy for you to say, you have someone in your bed. I don’t.”<br/>He frowned. “Are you saying you slept with Lee to spite me?”<br/>“No.” <br/>“Well, it’s not like she’s my wife.”<br/>“No? Then what is it like? Because it sounds very touchy-feely and romantic to me.”<br/>“It’s nothing romantic. Just company.”<br/>Claire turned her head away. “I could do with some cuddles.”<br/>“Not from me though.”<br/>“Obviously not. You’re a good bloke and all, but you’re not my type. No offense.”<br/>“Oh no.”, he said in his most monotonous voice. “How will I ever recover from that revelation?”<br/>Claire rolled her eyes. “I still want someone.”<br/>“Preferably Lee?”<br/>“I don’t have another option, do I? Not according to you at least.”<br/>“You’ll get by.”<br/>“I have. Until Lee found me and reminded me how much I don’t want to be alone anymore. How long is this supposed to take, Alec? Years? If even you need a woman in your bed sometimes, surely you’ll understand how hard this is for me.”<br/>He sighed. “Fine, next time you feel like letting Lee come over, you call me immediately. I’ll make time, I’ll pop by.”<br/>“And then what?”<br/>“I don’t know. How we used to spend time before I got busy in Broadchurch.”<br/>“Watch telly so you can complain about how stupid all the people on reality shows are while I try not to laugh at you?”<br/>He shrugged. “We’ll see.”<br/>“Will you bring Ellie?”<br/>“Do you not want me to?”<br/>“No, I do want you to. Or at least I would if you’d manage to not talk about any cases for a change.”<br/>He sighed. “Yeah. Fine.”<br/>“Good. Thank you.”<br/>“Will you delete the photos then?”<br/>“Oh. Well, I guess so. Not that I wouldn’t want to keep them.”<br/>Alec walked around to look over her shoulder as she deleted the pictures. He felt relief rush through him. <br/>“Do you want to stay over tomorrow and watch the Great British Bake-off?”<br/>“Can I get drunk while we watch?”<br/>She scoffed. “Sure. Can’t wait for an angrily slurred Scottish commentary.”<br/>“Miller!”, Alec shouted.<br/>Ellie walked back in, looked at them unsure. Alec nodded at her and she relaxed visibly. <br/>“We done?”<br/>“I’m staying over tomorrow. Here, I mean.”<br/>“We’re watching the Great British Bake-off to make peace. Do you want to join?”<br/>The smile on Claire’s face seemed earnest. Maybe she really was just lonely and scared. <br/>Ellie looked at Alec, clearly confused.<br/>“Or just get drunk with me.”<br/>She nodded, smiling too. “Sure. Sounds good. But could we get some actual pyjamas this time around?”<br/>Alec nodded.<br/>“And bring me a nice wine.”, Claire said. <br/>“Will do.”<br/>“But we have to get going now.”, Alec said. They didn’t really have any appointments, but they did want to spend some time looking over evidence again. The earlier, the better; especially if the next day was going to be a night out. <br/>They said their goodbyes and Alec followed Ellie out of the house, into the car. <br/>Once there, she sighed deeply. “I don’t know what you said to her but thank you.”<br/>“Nothing, really. She’s just worried.”<br/>“Either way, I’m glad <em>I</em> don't have to worry anymore.”<br/>“Miller, can I ask you something?”<br/>“Always.”, she started the motor. <br/>“Are you wearing my clothes?”<br/>She smirked, looked over her shoulder as she turned around the car. “I was starting to think you hadn’t noticed.”<br/>“And I was starting to think I was hallucinating because you didn’t ask me. Or even mention it.”<br/>“Are you getting cranky again?”<br/>“No.”<br/>“My shirt was just a bit smelly, so I raided your closet while you were in the shower. D’you mind?”<br/>“You’re asking me that now?”<br/>“Evidently.”<br/>He scoffed. “No. Don’t mind.”<br/>“Good. And since I’m sleeping at your place tonight and won’t be home…how about we just take the stuff I usually sleep in for when we come here tomorrow?”<br/>“The stuff you usually sleep in? I.e. more of my clothes.”<br/>“Yup.”<br/>He fought against the smile tugging on his lips and barely won. “You should still ask me before taking my things.”<br/>“I didn’t want to bother you.”<br/>“So you just stole from me instead? To ease my mind?”<br/>“You said you don’t mind.”<br/>“I don’t but I’d still like to be asked.”<br/>“Fine, I’ll ask you from now on.”<br/>“From now – ? No.”, he vehemently shook his head. “This is not becoming a thing. I can’t have you running around town in my clothes. And apart from that, I don’t even own that much stuff, I need it myself.”<br/>“Fine.”, she said again. “Won’t happen again.”<br/>He nodded. “Stick to that.”<br/>“But…”<br/>“Oh, for Christ’s – ”<br/>“I can still sleep in your clothes, right?”<br/>“I don’t see why you need to do that.”<br/>“I don’t need to. It’s just convenient.”<br/>“Yeah, fine, I don’t mind. As long as it’s just at home.”<br/>“Promise. Except for tomorrow at the cottage, of course.”<br/>“No, that’s – no. Not a good idea. Just no.”<br/>“Okay, but then you have to come with when I pick up some things at my place tomorrow.”<br/>“Do I?”<br/>“Yes. And I want to make a pie.”<br/>“You can make all the pies you want as long as you stay away from my closet.”<br/>“Sure. No problem.”<br/>Knowing Ellie, he wasn’t sure she wouldn’t just ignore him and do whatever she saw fit anyway but at least she couldn’t fault him for getting angry should it happen again. <br/>“Different question:”, Ellie said “when we sleep at the cottage, how do we do that?”<br/>“Logistically?”<br/>“You always make it sound so romantic.”<br/>“The doors have locks; we just lock ourselves in and leave it at that. Nothing to worry about.”<br/>“Why didn’t you mention that last time?”<br/>“Because you dragged me with you right after waking me up in the middle of the night. I could barely walk straight, let alone think.”<br/>“That’s fine.”, she blindly reached over and patted his arm, then took his hand in hers. “I don’t need you to think as long as I can use you as an oversized teddy bear.”<br/>He shook his head, still looking out of the window.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Listen.”, Ellie said as soon as Claire opened the door. “I had made pie for us to eat while watching but it turned out so bad, I had to throw it away. Alec can attest for it, I made him try it too and he gagged.”<br/>Alec silently stared at the sky, wondering why Ellie was even telling Claire that. What harm would it have done to leave that information out? <br/>“Uhm…okay.”, Claire said. “Hi.”<br/>“Hey.”, Ellie said brightly.<br/>“Come on in then. Even without pie.”<br/>They made their way into the living room, getting rid of their coats and shoes on the way. Ellie was grinning cheerfully, telling Alec how she’d been here so many times already but never bothered to take off her shoes. Like he didn’t already know that. Like he hadn’t been there. <br/>The telly in the living room was already on, a bottle of wine and Scotch, respectively, on the little coffee table, to which they now added the wine they had brought along. Alec knew which one was for him. It irked him how well Claire knew his likes and dislikes when it came to trivialities like food. The only thing it reminded him of was not to trust her. Not to tell her anything that actually mattered. She’d not only remember but make sure he knew she remembered, so she could hold it over him. It was only a matter of time until the photos came up again, only this time without the threat of distributing them somewhere. Just the memory. Just the guilt and shame. <br/>Ellie pulled him from his thoughts when she grabbed his sleeve to get him to sit down next to her on the couch. He sat without a word, folding his arms over his chest to get Ellie’s hand off him. She didn’t seem to notice, was too busy with telling Claire more about the pie-accident while pouring herself and Claire a glass of wine each and Alec a Scotch. <br/>Alec just stared at the telly, wondering how he was supposed to find things to complain about when he couldn’t even hear the program. No point in trying like this. He turned his head when Ellie nudged his arm with the tumbler. <br/>“Cheers.”, she said as he took it. <br/>“Cheers.”, he muttered, and their glasses clinked. <br/>Claire leaned passed Ellie towards him and he briefly glanced at her while repeating the toast. This was nothing like those times when he’d been alone with her. He felt awkward. Out of place. He wasn’t good at conversations, so he had never bothered trying that with Claire. All he’d done was comment on whatever stupid things on the telly were catching his eye. Which was why Claire had turned to specifically putting on reality shows, since they were most likely to upset him – that and crime dramas, but those usually involved him criticising inaccuracies in procedures, which didn’t interest Claire. Maybe the memories of Sandbrook also played a part in her avoiding those programs. <br/>Alec quickly drank his glass, knowing he’d loosen up more once he was tipsy. Not fully drunk, just a little tipsy. The last thing he needed was to get sloshed with both Claire and Ellie around. He’d rather do that alone with Ellie. Then he could actually enjoy it. <br/>Speaking of Ellie, something else demanded Alec’s attention now. Ellie’s head was turned to Claire, but her hand was resting on Alec’s leg. It wasn’t moving, not trying to tell him something or get him to join them. It just lay there, still red from the cold. <br/>Alec stared at it a little longer, then he knocked back his drink and pushed the hand away, playing it off with him reaching for the bottle and pouring a new round. Claire made some sort of remark about him drinking too quickly but he ignored it. </p><p>“I’ll see if I have any other bottles in the cellar.”, Claire announced and got off the couch, taking the two empty wine bottles with her. <br/>“You be a good boy and finish that one, yeah?”, she nudged Alec’s knee while pointing to the remainder of the Scotch.<br/>“I’ll do my best.”, Alec responded but his own glass was still half-full, so he didn’t move. <br/>Ellie looked after Claire, then turned to Alec. “You okay?”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>“You look knackered.”<br/>“Just tired.”<br/>“Already?”<br/>“It’s past midnight.”<br/>“You’re always up past midnight. You get your best ideas at two in the morning.”<br/>“The stupidity of all those TV shows is putting me to sleep.”<br/>“Strange, your own stupidity doesn’t seem to do that.”<br/>He shot her a look. She smiled.<br/>“Funny.”, he said drily.<br/>“I know, you can barely breathe with all that laughing you’re doing.”<br/>He sighed and sipped on his glass, then put it back on the table.<br/>“In any case: Claire is enjoying it.”<br/>“Good.”<br/>“So am I.”<br/>“Great.”<br/>“She gets ‘good’, I get ‘great’?”<br/>“Yup.”<br/>She chuckled. “Charming.”<br/>Ellie leaned into Alec’s chest. He pushed his shoulder into her back to make her go away. “Don’t do that.”<br/>“Why?”<br/>“We’re not alone.”<br/>“We are.”<br/>“Only for a moment.”<br/>“Why are you so scared to show any affection in public?”<br/>“Because it’s in public.”<br/>“Barely. It’s just Claire.”<br/>“What’s just me?”, Claire was back, a red wine in her hand, and Alec now pushed Ellie away with both arms. She made an ugh-sound but did resort to sitting normally next to him.<br/>“Alec’s being shy.”<br/>“Shy?”, Claire smirked as she dropped herself on the couch again after putting the already uncorked bottle on the table.<br/>“I’m not shy.”, Alec muttered and grabbed his Scotch, nipping on it again to give his hands something to do.<br/>“Explain.”, Claire told Ellie. <br/>“I was just trying to snuggle up a little, nothing more, and he’s being a twat.”<br/>“Well, if he’s not in the mood, he’s not in the mood.”, Claire said with a shrug. <br/>Alec could hardly believe that she was agreeing with him. “Thank you.”, he said. <br/>“No, it’s not that.”, Ellie said. “I know him, I know his moods. And when he’s drunk, he always –”<br/>Alec chimed in. “Don’t talk about that, maybe? Seeing that I am obviously not okay with you talking about it with other people.”<br/>Ellie turned to him. “But you know what I’m talking about.”<br/>“Clearly. And you know why I don’t want you to touch me right now.”<br/>“And you know that I think that’s stupid.”<br/>“Am I the reason?”, Claire said. Ellie turned back to her. <br/>“What?”<br/>“Is Alec being reluctant because I’m here?”<br/>“None of your business.”, Alec said. <br/>“Yes, he is.”, Ellie said. <br/>“Miller –”<br/>“You are so dramatic.”<br/>He clenched his jaw. This really wasn’t about drama. This was about comfort. And he didn’t want to talk about it in front of Claire. He barely even wanted to address it with just Ellie around.<br/>“Come on, I’ll cuddle with you instead.”, Claire broadly swung her arm around Ellie’s shoulders, almost smacking Alec in the face in the process of doing so, and pulled Ellie closely against her. <br/>Alec ignored them and nursed his Scotch instead, chugging what was left over and immediately refilling the glass. He felt a twinge of regret from telling Ellie off. He felt cold now. Gingerly, he grabbed a pillow and hugged it to his chest while pulling his legs up onto the couch, like a wall between him and the two women.<br/>“Are you sulking?”, Claire poked his shin, but Alec pushed her hand away. <br/>“Don’t touch me.”<br/>With the pillow still in his arms, he pulled the blanket more tightly around him, covering up his whole body with it from the neck down. While they all turned their attention back to the telly, he felt something warm touch his foot, then wander upwards and before he knew it, Ellie had her hand wrapped around his ankle. He tried to keep a straight face, moved his own hand down to the spot and peeled Ellie’s hand off him, intertwining his fingers with hers instead. He could see Ellie smile as she squeezed his hand, then she dropped her head against Claire’s shoulder. <br/>Alec turned away, leaning into the corner of the couch and resting his head on the pillow he was hugging. Closing his eyes, he listened to the commentary on the telly, letting its dullness empty his mind. <br/>Claire and Ellie started chattering again after a while, laughing about things and swapping stories. It was all so casual and normal. Just friends having fun. <br/>“Is he asleep?”, he heard Claire say when the next commercial break was happening after what felt like minutes but was probably much longer. <br/>Ellie put her hand on Alec’s head, as if that would give her an answer, then said: “Yeah, I think so.”<br/>“Cute.”<br/>“He does look cute when he’s asleep.”<br/>“I suppose you ought to know. You and your lover.”<br/>“Oh, don’t call him that.”<br/>Claire chuckled. “D’you still want to cuddle with him?”<br/>“Sure. Why?”<br/>“Well, go ahead then. He’s not going to complain now, is he?”<br/>“That’s a bit mean, isn’t it? Him telling me not to do something and then me just doing it anyway once he’s asleep.”<br/>“It’s just a cuddle. And you said he likes it.”<br/>Ellie’s hand slipped away from him and carefully, she pulled one corner of the blanket away from him. Alec held still, not daring to show them that he was in fact still awake. The pillow was pulled from his arm and a moment later, Ellie squeezed into the gap, pushing his legs down in doing so. Nonchalantly, Claire lifted his feet and put them in her lap. Ellie meanwhile snuggled up to him, letting her head fall against his chest, her forehead right below his chin. She pulled the blanket back around them, only leaving out their heads and feet. With that barrier, her hand settled on his waist and gently ran her fingers over the fabric of his shirt. <br/>“Ugh, you look adorable together.”, Claire said, patting Alec’s feet. “I swear, I want this all to be over so I can have some marital bliss with my husband again, too.”<br/>“Not my husband.”, Ellie mumbled, her jaw brushing over Alec’s chest.<br/>“Not yet.”, Claire stood up, carefully placing Alec’s feet on the couch instead. “I’ll pop off to the loo for a second. Don’t start shagging while I’m gone, it won’t take that long.”<br/>The door to the living room closed and Ellie exhaled deeply. <br/>“I know you’re awake.”, she pressed a kiss on his chin. “You’re a terribly light sleeper, you would’ve woken up and complained about everything by now.”<br/>“Shut up.”, Alec remained perfectly still.<br/>Ellie snorted. “Was it so hard to admit you want a hug?”<br/>“I’m not listening to you.”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>Without another word, he shifted to lie more comfortably, and Ellie wrapped her arms around him, moving up a little, so her head was on the same level as his. Alec opened his eyes and saw her looking straight at him. A smile spread over her face. <br/>“My feet are cold.”, Alec deadpanned. <br/>“Awful.”<br/>“It is. I’ll catch a cold.”<br/>Ellie let him go against to reach down to his legs, bending them more until his feet were covered by the blanket. The fact that his thigh was now trapped between hers didn’t seem to bother her.<br/>Alec took a deep breath, then narrowed his eyes a little. He couldn’t quite focus on Ellie’s face. It made him feel dizzy. “I think I’m drunk.”<br/>“I know. I saw you get drunk.”<br/>“Right.”<br/>She leaned over and kissed him.  <br/>“Don’t do that.”, Alec whispered. “Claire’s going to be back any second.”<br/>Ellie sighed and hugged him a little closer instead while resting her forehead against his. “We should do this at your place some time.”<br/>“Isn’t that all we ever do?”<br/>“Not on the couch.”<br/>“Does that matter? Bed’s more comfortable.”<br/>“Variety? And we could watch a movie together or something.”<br/>“I don’t have a television, Miller.”<br/>“You have a laptop. Can’t we use that?”<br/>“Could be arranged. If you insist.”<br/>“Yes, I insist.”<br/>There were footsteps in the hallway and Ellie lowered her voice. “Do you want to pretend to be asleep again?”<br/>“Please.”<br/>“As long as you behave.”<br/>He nudged his head against hers, then closed his eyes, relaxing his limbs. Ellie ran her fingers through his hair, caressing it. The door opened and Claire sat back down on the couch.<br/>“Comfy?”, she said. Alec could feel her warmth against his feet. <br/>Ellie nodded, which rubbed her head against his. <br/>“I’m just going to pretend I’m not jealous, okay?”<br/>That made Ellie chuckle softly, her breath hot on Alec’s face. “You’re going to be fine eventually, Claire. Then you can find yourself someone new.”<br/>“Or I’ll just nick Alec from you.”, she patted him, and Alec had a hard time not flinching when her hand touched his bum. Hopefully an accident.<br/>“No.”, Ellie said firmly, pulling Alec’s head down a little to cradle his face against her neck and shoulder, holding him tightly. “He’s mine. I don’t share.”<br/>Alec flicked his fingers against her leg underneath the blanket and she tugged on his hair in response. <br/>“Suit yourself. I don’t want him anyway. I just want <em>someone</em>.”<br/>“I get that. Awful feeling. But you’ll never get rid of that feeling if you keep sucking up to Lee. You have to cut ties with him for that.”<br/>“I know. But I can’t. I’m not ready for that.”<br/>“Put more effort into it then.”<br/>“Right. Yeah.”<br/>Silence fell and Ellie’s fingers kept playing with Alec’s hair as Ellie and Claire focussed on the telly again. Alec could hear Claire pour herself another drink and moved to grab his own glass but realised halfway through that he couldn't be doing that if he was asleep. His hand got tangled in the blanket and he let out a groan, lifting his head from Ellie’s shoulder. When he opened his eyes, she was grinning at him.<br/>“You alright?”<br/>He squinted and sat up, forcing Ellie to let go of him. Claire was watching him with a cheeky smile, sipping on her glass.<br/>“How did you sleep, love?”<br/>“My neck hurts.”, he muttered and fought his way out of the blanket and the entanglement with Ellie’s limbs. <br/>Once his feet were safely on the ground, he collected his glass from the table and took a long sip, feeling the pleasant burn in his throat. Then he remembered that he was supposed to be mad at Ellie for snuggling up to him while he was asleep. He downed the rest of the Scotch and made a gesture in Ellie’s general direction. “Don’t do that again. You know. Fuck you. All that. Just…yeah, not – not good. Do that again and I’ll uh… I’ll sell your…spleen. Okay? No, no. Fuck off.”<br/>Ellie pressed a hand over her mouth to keep herself from laughing and he pushed her head back into the pillows as he walked past the couch towards the kitchen. <br/>“What on earth was that?”, he heard Claire say.<br/>“Just drunk.”, Ellie managed to say between laughs. Alec knew that Claire wouldn’t believe that. She’d experienced him being drunk often enough for that. <br/>Once in the kitchen, Alec filled his glass with water from the tab, chugged it, and filled it again. He felt awful. <br/>His eyes landed on the window but in the dark of the night, the only thing he could see was his own reflection. His own gaunt face. He swallowed hard, not daring to think of all the things that might be happening outside that window, unbeknownst to him because he was too busy with his playdate. <br/>“You okay?”, Ellie said, making him startle. <br/>“Mhm.”, he turned away from the window, pretending he had been wanting to pour himself a glass of water but realised too late that it was already full. His hand hovered over the tab, useless. <br/>Ellie stepped closer to him, grabbed his arm by the wrist and gently pushed it back. <br/>“Too many drinks?”<br/>He shook his head. <br/>“No? Then what is it?”<br/>“Thinking.”<br/>“I do that too sometimes. Awful. Makes my brain hurt.”<br/>He looked out of the window again, at his own reflection on the glass. “I feel like he’s watching. Lee, I mean.”<br/>Ellie eyed up his face, then simply shut the blinds. “He’s not stupid, he wouldn’t try to do anything fishy while we’re here.”<br/>Alec nodded, unconvinced. <br/>“Hey.”, Ellie nicked the glass from him to take his hands into hers. “Stop worrying. At least right now.”<br/>“I can’t.”<br/>“Of course you can. I’ll keep you busy.”<br/>He tried to pull his hands back, but Ellie’s grip grew stronger. “No. No sneaking away.”<br/>“I’m not trying to sneak away.”<br/>“You better not be.”, she brushed her thumb over his hand. “I need you tonight. I really do.”<br/>He swallowed hard, not sure what to say to that. He wasn’t used to being someone’s comfort crowd. In fact, he was used to people telling him he only made things worse.<br/>Ellie moved, leaned closer while getting on her tiptoes to be on eye-level, and kissed him. He closed his eyes, relaxing into it. <br/>It was crazy how easy it seemed to be for Ellie to calm him. He would still have nightmares or feel like his chest was bursting or even just be worried and exhausted, but Ellie distracted him. She didn’t make his problems go away – nobody could do that. But she made it easier to cope. Easier to fall back asleep after waking up drenched in sweat; easier to take a step back and breathe when he panicked; easier to allow his mind to wander away from the case and trial for a while. <br/>He felt her hands on the back of his neck, pulling him down to her level instead of her having to reach up. That was something she always did: Touching his neck and his hair. It was fascinating for him to pick up on these little patterns. Routines in how she touched and kissed him. Even when she opened her mouth, he knew it would take another little while for her tongue to get involved. He was used to it. Used to feeling her breath in his throat and waiting for her to move on to the next step. He liked that. The predictability. It, too, helped him to calm down.<br/>“When you say you need me tonight”, he whispered between kisses. “how far away is that ‘tonight’?”<br/>She moved away a little, her forehead now leaning against his temple. “Is that you asking me to move this to the bedroom?”<br/>“Not necessarily. But…yeah. That was the idea.”<br/>“You have terrible timing.”<br/>“Why’s that?”<br/>“Because we’re not at your place. In case you hadn’t noticed. And we’re not alone.”<br/>“Oh. Right.” He tried not to pull a face. He hadn’t been insinuating sex but now that he reconsidered his words, he could see how they had come across like that.<br/>“Are you upset now?”<br/>“No, of course not. All good.”<br/>“Okay. Another time.”, she kissed him again, deeply and passionately, and he felt his heart pound in his ears. She was right, of course. They shouldn’t be doing anything while they were here. After all, Claire had already taken pictures before, so what would stop her from doing it again? But he didn’t want to stop. Instead, he was relying on Ellie to be the reasonable one. The one to pull away first. <br/>Ellie took her time. She kept kissing him, kept running her fingers through his hair and even moved her other hand to his chest, pressing it against the left side of it. Wait.<br/>“Are you checking my pulse?”, Alec said, his tone much sharper than planned.<br/>“I can feel your veins pulsing. It’s concerning.”<br/>“I’m fine. I promise.”<br/>She cocked her head, not moving her hand away. “Are you?”<br/>“Yes.”<br/>“I just don’t want you to collapse. I had way too much alcohol to drive you to the hospital.”<br/>“That’s what 999 is for. Now stop.”, he shoved her hand away. <br/>“Am I not allowed to be worried about you?”<br/>“There’s no need to be worried. Seriously, I’m fine.”<br/>Ellie pursed her lips, but she nodded. “Okay. Sorry for prying.”<br/>“I’m going to bed. You can join me or not, I don’t care.”<br/>She raised her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”<br/>“That’s not what I meant. I mean that you can stay down here with Claire if you want to. I do care whether you join me. Just not whether it’s now or later.”<br/>Ellie nodded, satisfied. “Well said. You’re getting better.”<br/>“Oh, piss off.”<br/>“I’ll let Claire know that we’re going to bed.”<br/>Ellie walked over to the hallway and after a hesitant glance at the blinds, Alec followed her. He leaned in the doorway as Ellie headed for the couch, where Claire was still seated.<br/>“Hey. We’ll call it a night. Will you be alright?”<br/>Claire sat up straighter, looked over her shoulder to Alec. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. And you’re both going to sleep in the guestroom?”<br/>Ellie put on a forced looking smile. “Yep.”<br/>“Mhm. Well”, she smiled at Ellie, but her smile seemed to be real. “Night, Ellie.” Another glance at Alec. “You too, Alec.”<br/>He just nodded at her and turned to walk up the stairs before Ellie even left the living room. He could still hear her behind him though. Silently, they entered the room. Since Ellie was already in her sleepwear – Alec’s sweats and jumper – , Alec grabbed his bag while Ellie already went over to the bed. <br/>“I’ll be right back.”<br/>He hurried in the bathroom, quickly changing clothes, and only haphazardly brushing his teeth before slipping back into the guestroom and diligently turning the key in the lock. Lastly, he turned the lights off and then went over to the bed, where Ellie was holding up the blanket for him. He lay down and Ellie immediately pulled him into her arms. Alec turned a little to be on his shoulder, but apparently, for once Ellie didn’t like that that turned his back towards her. Determinedly, she pulled on his shoulder until he was facing her and kissed him once more. <br/>Right then. Gingerly, Alec put his arm around her, feeling the fabric of his own jumper across her back. <br/>“You know”, Ellie said, then gave him another deep kiss. “sleeping here does come with one advantage.”<br/>“How so?”<br/>“Smaller bed.”<br/>“How’s that good?”<br/>Ellie gently pulled on his lip with her teeth. “Cosier. And you can’t try to sneak away. You’re all mine.”<br/>He snorted and Ellie smiled at that. <br/>“Miller, you’re drunk.”<br/>“So are you.”<br/>“I know. We've already covered that.”<br/>“So what’s the problem?”<br/>“That you don’t know what you’re saying.”<br/>“I’m as sharp as a razor; and you know you try to move away from me if you have a nightmare or start crying or get grumpy or all of the above. But I don’t want that. I want to know if you feel bad. I want to know if you need a hug. Or a hand to hold.”<br/>Alec didn’t respond to that. <br/>“You know I’m right.”, Ellie brushed her fingers over his cheek, then kissed him again. <br/>“You taste of wine.”, he whispered. <br/>“You’re welcome.”<br/>“Fuck off.”<br/>“Like you told me to fuck off earlier? You’re such a bad liar, it’s hilarious. Can’t even form a bloody sentence.” Her mouth was open on his and Alec could feel her hot breath. <br/>“I just forgot.”<br/>“Sure, you did.”, she took his lip between her teeth, gently pulling on it, then gave it a kiss. “You’re cute sometimes.”<br/>“I’m not cute.”<br/>“You know what’s really cute? Your freckles. I love your freckles.”<br/>As if. “You’re just trying to justify something here because Claire egged you on.”<br/>“That’s not true. And you should stop talking. I can’t kiss you if you keep talking.”<br/>“I sincerely apologise. But I would also like to remind you of you telling me I have bad timing earlier and now you’re the one being all physical.”<br/>“That’s not the same thing. I’m just kissing you goodnight. Just making sure I got you here with me.”<br/>“What, do you think I’m a hallucination?”<br/>“No. I’m making sure you won’t leave. You said that you want something from me right now and I said No, so I’m at least kissing you. As a compromise. I want you to know how much I need you to stay.”<br/>“I’ll stay no matter what, you don’t need to bribe me.”, he pressed a kiss on her forehead. <br/>“Can you promise me that?”, Ellie held his face between her hands and looked into his eyes with an oddly worried look. “Not just tonight. Don’t ever leave me, Alec, please. I’ve lost everyone, I can’t lose you too. I need you. I can’t go through this without you. I –”, she gulped. “Please.”<br/>“I don’t know what you expect from me. Of course, I’m not going to leave you alone, but I can’t be your substitute for your friends and family and whatnot. You know that.”<br/>“Why not?”<br/>“Because I can’t. And because I wouldn’t even want to.”<br/>“You wouldn’t want to?”<br/>“You need some variety. You said it yourself before, just spending all your time with me isn’t good for you. I can’t give you what you need, so I won’t even try. The only thing I can give you”, he gently kissed her again. “is this. And if that’s not enough, then I’m sorry but I’m not a magician.”<br/>“No, you <em>are</em> good for me, you plum. Or you could be. If you stopped being so twatty and easily annoyed.”<br/>Alec sucked his teeth. “I’ll try. Can I go to sleep now?”<br/>“I am officially allowing to go to sleep.”<br/>“How gracious.”<br/>Ellie grinned. “Sweet dreams, Alec. Thanks for being a good pillow.”, she pressed a last kiss on his forehead, then she loosened her arms around him so he could turn onto his other shoulder and she pulled him in until his back touched her chest. He felt her breath against the back of his neck and exhaled deeply. <br/>“Don’t ever leave me.”, Ellie whispered, and her voice was so quiet and shaky that Alec was sure she hadn’t meant for him to hear her. He gulped, putting his hand on hers where it rested on his chest. He was aware that they had become quite attached to each other, but this was new. That wasn’t just attachment. That was dependency. Co-dependency., he silently corrected.</p>
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<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You know, I’ve missed us doing this.”, Lucy said right before stuffing an overladen fork into her mouth. <br/>“You’ve missed me paying for your dinner because I know you’re always out of money.”<br/>“Partly, but not what I meant.”<br/>Ellie took a bite of her own food but didn’t respond. <br/>“But seriously, is this just a dinner for fun or is there any reason you invited me?”<br/>Ellie weighed her head from side to side. “Well, there is something I thought we could talk about.”<br/>“Oh? That sounds awfully serious.”<br/>“No, no. It’s really not.”<br/>“Right then. What’s up?”<br/>“Well.”, Ellie said, pushing around a piece of meat on her plate instead of eating it. “It’s a bit complicated.”<br/>“I’ve got time.”<br/>“I kind of have a guy.”<br/>“A guy? Boyfriend?”<br/>“I wouldn’t go that far.”<br/>Lucy nodded slowly. “A guy you’re dating?”<br/>“Sort of. I don’t really know.”<br/>“How can you not know?”<br/>“We’ve not really talked it out. Or established anything.”<br/>“Is that necessary?”<br/>“Not really, I suppose.”<br/>“Well, how long has that been going on?”<br/>“A few weeks. Over two months.”<br/>“That’s quite a while.”<br/>“Should be a relationship by now then, right?”<br/>Lucy shrugged. “You don’t have to write him a note asking ‘Will you be my boyfriend?’ like you’re in primary school. You started dating and now you’re dating. I don’t see the problem. That makes it a relationship by definition.”<br/>“Hm. Yeah, maybe. I just thought it would be more…official. Going from not-in-a-relationship to in-a-relationship.”<br/>“You can still just ask him if it bothers you so much. Maybe he didn’t realise you needed the reassurance.”<br/>“I should probably do that.”<br/>“I suppose so. If it’ll make you feel better about it. How did you even meet him?”<br/>Ellie finally put the piece of meat in her mouth, biding time while she tried to convince herself to tell Lucy. That had been the plan for today. Tell Lucy what’s going on with you and Alec and ask her for advice because you don’t have anyone else to turn to.<br/>“Through work.”, Ellie said gingerly. <br/>“Police officer then?”<br/>“Mhm. He used to be my boss.”<br/>Lucy’s eyes widened, followed by a huge grin. “It’s Hardy, innit?”<br/>“Might be.”<br/>“I knew it!”, she slammed her hand on the table. “I knew that the defence council was right.”<br/>“They weren’t though. And all this only started way after they accused us of that. So it’s not true. Just to be clear.” She felt the old defensiveness build back up again. Her reflex of telling everyone that she hated Alec’s guts, even after she’d started to appreciate many facets of his character. <br/>“Come on, El, don’t get shy now that I know it’s him.”<br/>“I’m not being shy. I’m annoyed.”<br/>Lucy smirked. “I remember you saying ‘I wouldn’t go near him. Have you seen him?’ when I asked you if you’d slept with him. I take it you were lying then.”<br/>“I wasn’t. At that time, that was true. A lot has happened since then.”<br/>“Like what? He still looks the same.”<br/>“Well, maybe I’ve just gotten used to his ugly mug.”<br/>“Are you calling your boyfriend ugly? That’s rich.”<br/>“He’s not my boyfriend.”<br/>“Is he not?”<br/>Ellie shrugged. <br/>“Oh, come on. If you thought he was a git, you wouldn’t shag him.”<br/>It would have been so easy to just tell her that she wasn’t shagging him. Not even to tell her about the frustration Ellie had with Alec’s behaviour, but just to be right. But she didn’t say it. Didn’t dare to. “Okay, fine. I like him. And his face.”<br/>Lucy looked satisfied. “That’s nice. Getting back out there, good for you. How did it start?”<br/>“I got drunk, came by his place and tried to get him into bed. I don’t remember that, but he was very civil about it and just put me to bed while he slept on the couch. And then I just started sleeping over more often and”, she shrugged. “we just got closer.”<br/>“A lot closer, it seems.”, Lucy chuckled.<br/>“Yeah.”, Ellie heard the dryness in her own voice. “He’s good company. When he’s asleep at least.”<br/>“Well, you always have to make some sort of compromise.”<br/>“I’m making a lot of compromises.”<br/>“Is he that bad?”, she leaned over the table, conspiratorially. “Or that small?”<br/>“Neither.”, not that she would know. “He’s a cunt ninety percent of the time and I’m not sure if the other ten make it worth it.”<br/>“Okay, so the problem isn’t that he’s really bad. It’s that he’s really <em>good</em> but his personality is shit.”<br/>Ellie shook her head. She wasn’t going to try and explain the whole thing to her. How Alec was avoiding having sex with her as if she had an STD. Ellie felt angry at herself when for a moment there, she hoped <em>he</em> would turn out to have an STD. That would be such an easy explanation for it all. No, she told herself. Hoping he had an STD was not a level she would stoop down to. Absolutely not. <br/>“Just make use of it then.”, Lucy went on, unaware of Ellie’s discomfort. “When he gets annoying, you drag him to bed or the nearest unoccupied corner and there you go.”<br/>“He’s not – he can be very sweet if he wants to be. But he doesn’t want to. It has nothing to do with sex. It’s all just his ridiculous, exhausting mood swings.”<br/>“Ah.”, Lucy nodded eagerly but Ellie knew she didn’t get any of this. She always claimed to be the expert when it came to men but honestly, Ellie would never take any advice from her. What she was good at was listening and asking questions. “But you can mould him a bit, I’m sure. You’re quite skilled at that.”<br/>Technically, she already had. Just not enough. “It’s hard to be mad at him for long though. Stupid big brown Bambi-eyes.”<br/>“Bambi?”, Lucy gave a laugh. “That’s not a way I ever imagined hearing you describe your boss.”<br/>“Yeah, well, a lot of things that I never would have though possible have been happening recently. Hardy looking at me like a bloody fawn is just the tip of the iceberg.”<br/>“I suppose so. Life really hasn’t been normal. Never thought I’d have to give evidence in court unless someone stabbed someone else at a casino that I happened to be at. But see the bright side: At least you got a new boyfriend out of it.”<br/>“I still could’ve done without the trial.”<br/>“Your boyfriend, too.”<br/>“Yeah.”, Ellie gave a hollow laugh. “He more than anyone. God, I hope this will all be over soon. And just so we’re clear: You can’t tell anyone about him and me. Not until I tell you otherwise.”<br/>“Sure, sure.”<br/>“I’m serious. If anyone finds out, they’ll have our heads for it in court.”<br/>“I know. But it won’t take long now, right? Almost everybody has already given their evidence, so there isn’t much left to do.”<br/>“We’ll see.”<br/>They fell silent as they both munched on their food for now. Ellie was agitated. Everything was just too much. The trial on its own was barely manageable but with her also having to work through the issues with Tom and helping Alec with the cold case and trying to figure him out enough to allow a proper relationship, Ellie simply had too much on her plate. The trial was coming to a close and she had finally started patching up things with Tom again, so Alec was next on her list. And then there was still Sandbrook to figure out. <br/>Grimly, she wondered what order Alec’s priority list had. </p>
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<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What are you doing here?”<br/>Ellie looked up and saw both Alec and Tess walking towards the stairs to Alec’s chalet, where she was sitting. She stood up, made a dismissive gesture. <br/>“Just popping by. You okay?”, she quickly turned to Tess and smiled. “Hey.”<br/>“Hey.”, Tess replied politely. <br/>Alec nodded slowly, unlocked his door and Tess disappeared into the bathroom. Alec moved closely to Ellie. “Were you going to – ?”, he cut himself off but she knew what he meant. <br/>“Should I come back later?”<br/>“No.”, he said sharply. “Just leave.”<br/>“Why?”, Ellie said grimly. She had half a mind to slap him. <br/>“Tess is staying over.”<br/>Ellie pursed her lips, trying to keep her face under control. She stared at him, waiting for him so say something along the lines of ‘I’d rather be with you, but she insisted’ or at least an apology but nothing came. <br/>She nodded curtly, walked past him with another word, making sure to knock her shoulder into his arm. Just for a little bit of satisfaction. She heard him walk up the stairs, close the door. No attempt to consolidate her. He didn’t care. <br/>She stumbled to her car, slamming the door, and just cried. Angry at herself, she hit the steering wheel, but it only added to the pain. <br/>“Bastard.”, she whispered, then turned on the motor. If only she wasn’t so low on friends because she really could’ve needed someone who wasn’t involved with Alec in any way. But she didn’t have other options. It was either Claire or nothing and she knew she needed to rant. And to get drunk. </p>
<p>“This is unexpected.”, Claire said when she opened the door and spotted Ellie. Then she saw her red eyes. “What’s wrong?”<br/>Ellie didn’t say anything, just stepped forwards and hugged her. That was definitely worrisome.<br/>“What happened?”<br/>“Hardy’s a cunt.”<br/>“Are you just noticing that now?”<br/>“He can be such a –”<br/>“Come on, let’s get in. You need a drink.”, she pulled Ellie with her into the kitchen, sat her down and put two glasses on the table. “Wine or something stronger?”<br/>“Stronger.”<br/>“I have some vodka around. Or I have Scotch if you want that. Usually reserved for Alec.”<br/>„Give me Scotch.”<br/>Claire was quite certain that she was only going for the Scotch to spite Alec, despite the fact that he would probably never even know about it. She poured Ellie and herself a glass each and Ellie immediately knocked back the whole thing. Claire snorted. “Alright, Alec messed up badly somehow. What did he do?”<br/>“He’s a bastard.”<br/>“Meaning?”<br/>“I can’t say. It’s a long story.”<br/>Claire nodded. “Does it have to do with you being in bed with him?”<br/>Claire saw Ellie’s fingers curl tightly around the glass. <br/>“Hey.”, Claire said encouragingly while refilling Ellie’s drink. “If he screwed you over somehow, I want to know why because you don’t seem like someone to get this upset over nothing. You’ve got him way too well under control for that.”<br/>Ellie sniffled, taking a sip from her glass. She didn’t look like she was enjoying the taste. “He’s having his ex over.”<br/>“His wife?”<br/>“<em>Ex</em>-wife, yes.”<br/>“Damn. Is he trying to get back together with her? Because that’s stupid for way more reasons than your guys’ fling.”<br/>“It’s not a fling. And I know that he already told you that too.”<br/>Claire raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”<br/>“He tells me everything.”<br/>“Except a heads-up for him having his ex-wife over?”<br/>“Exactly. The point is that he sent me away because wants his ex instead.”<br/>Claire pulled a face. “Aren’t you guys exclusive? He doesn’t seem like the type to be polyamorous and from how upset you are, you neither.”<br/>“We’re not anything. Not officially. That’s part of the problem.”<br/>“Ah. I see.”<br/>“I was starting to think we were. I was going to ask him, you know? When I came over today, I was going to ask if we were in fact a <em>thing</em> now and I would’ve expected him to say Yes but still make it all vague and complicated, because he’s still Hardy but no. No, instead Tess is there with him.”<br/>“That must sting.”<br/>“God, I hope he’s not trying to get back with her. I would kill him. D’you think he’s stupid enough to come crawling back to her?”<br/>Absolutely. “Wouldn’t put it past him. She’s still the mother of his daughter. That means a lot.”<br/>“And do you think he’ll sleep with her?”<br/>Claire let out a sigh. “Maybe, yeah. Probably.”<br/>“Have you ever met her in person? Oh, wait – she was on the case, wasn’t she? Sorry, I’m a bit hazy.”<br/>Claire nodded. “Yeah, I know her.”<br/>“Do you like her?”<br/>“I don’t know. She seemed okay. Bit smug.”<br/>“I don’t like her. I don’t like the way she looks at him.”<br/>Who knew Ellie was the type to get overly protective and jealous? Claire refilled both their glasses. The more drunk she could get Ellie, the more it would probably loosen her tongue. <br/>“Did you come here straight from his place?”<br/>Ellie nodded. <br/>“So, depending on how much of a man he manages to be, he might be having sex right now but in the very least he’s alone with his ex-wife. Well, fuck.”<br/>“God, I hate him.”<br/>“I have half a mind to drive over and interrupt them.”<br/>“You have my blessing.”<br/>“Let’s do the less intrusive version, shall we?”<br/>Claire pulled out her phone and dialled Alec’s number, then put the phone on speaker.<br/>“What?”, Alec said upon answering. <br/>„Hey Alec.”<br/>“What is it?”<br/>“Uh – you forgot something here.” Claire shrugged, making a silly face at Ellie.<br/>“Did I? What?”<br/>“Your…”, Claire feverishly searched for words. Ellie held her hands up to show she had no ideas. “Your tie.”<br/>“My tie? How?”<br/>“I don’t know. Skinny navy tie. Must be yours.”<br/>“Sure you didn’t have some bloke over who wore it? Seeing as you say you’re so in need.”<br/>Claire scoffed. “Love, the type of guys I’m into don’t run around in suits every day. So, you’re the only candidate.”<br/>“I’ll take a look next time I’m around, okay?”<br/>“Sure. And what are you doing tonight?”<br/>“Not coming over, if that’s what you’re asking.”<br/>“Why not? I could use a drinking buddy who can handle a lot of liquor – and you’ve got the genetic advantage.”<br/>“You know I can’t drink that much.”<br/>“Like that has ever stopped you.”<br/>“I’m hanging up.”<br/>„You’re boring.”<br/>“Sure.”<br/>“See you soon.”<br/>“Yeah.”<br/>The line was disconnected. Claire looked at Ellie. “Just me or did he sound stressed?”<br/>“Did he?”<br/>Maybe Claire was just imagining things. Just trying to find a shred of a guilty conscience in his tone. “Just me then.”<br/>“What did he mean by ‘seeing as you say you’re so in need’?”<br/>“Ugh, I let slip that I had a few blokes over during my time here and he didn’t like that. I told him sometimes you just need a shag, but he made a scene.”<br/>“He does act like he’s got the moral high ground a lot. Especially when it comes to relationships. Can’t imagine what his daughter must go through, she’ll be single until he’s dead.”<br/>Claire made a dismissive gesture. "You know what I think it is? He’s scared to get attached. Maybe he’s the kind who gets clingy after sex because he doesn’t get close to people enough and so he doesn’t want to risk that. At least that’s what I think why he said no to you and me both. Well, at first. You know, before getting all husband-y with you.”<br/>Ellie frowned. “‘You and me both’?”<br/>Oh shit. “I didn’t mention that before, did I?”<br/>Ellie looked completely gobsmacked. “You and Hardy?”<br/>A perverse joy came with seeing Ellie be jealous of <em>her</em> of all people. And especially in connection with something concerning Alec. “Not really. Listen, I was drunk, he was drunk, we were alone, and at the time, I thought it was a good idea because we were both depressed. I know, I’m an idiot.”<br/>Ellie looked away and Claire wondered what she was thinking. False hopes about Alec? Had she expected him to be some sweet, innocent boy who had never done anything naughty in his life? <br/>“But nothing much happened anyway.”, Claire added. “No thanks to me, sadly.”<br/>Ellie grabbed the Scotch bottle, clearly upset. “What does that mean?”<br/>“Well”, Claire sighed, trying not to let show how exhilarating it was for her to think back to that time. “We got really drunk together in my hotel room. So drunk. Remember when we three watched the Great British Bakeoff together? Quadruple that. I couldn’t leave my bed the entire next day and Alec took five tries to find the door handle. Anyway, I tried something; he wasn’t having it. We went to bed – separately I mean. Didn’t speak about it again.”<br/>“What did you try?”<br/>“I may have made a move on him. We made out a little. Pretty sure that what I tried to do at the end was put my hand between his legs.”<br/>“You kissed Hardy?”<br/>Claire suppressed a smile. Of course Ellie was skipping over that last part. “Does he still have you call him by his last name?”, she chuckled. “Do you have to call him ‘Sir’ in bed, too?”<br/>“I’m just used to it.”<br/>“Used to calling him ‘Sir’ in bed? Oh, kinky. I had no idea Alec was so dominant.”<br/>„Oh, shut it; you know that’s not what I meant. I call him Alec.”<br/>“I know, I know. But yes, we did kiss. A while ago, over a year, I think. Almost two.”<br/>“Ah.”<br/>“He’s a good kisser, innit?”, she tried to make it sound like a joke, but it was true. Or at least her hazy memories of it told her that it was.<br/>“What?”, Ellie simply said. <br/>“Come on, we’re all grown-ups here. I’ve had my fair share of slobber tongues and god-is-always-watching pecks. Alec is among the better ones I’ve had.”<br/>Ellie shook her head, looking terribly flustered. “Good to know.”<br/>“You don’t agree?”<br/>Ellie ignored her words, drank some more from her scotch instead and changed the topic. “So he turned you down? That’s…unexpected.”<br/>“Is it? Do you think he’s a slag?”<br/>“I just think that he must be really stupid to say no to you like that.”<br/>Claire smirked. “Was that a compliment?”<br/>“May have been.”<br/>“Well, thank you. I don’t even know what had gotten into me that day. I’m glad he said no.”<br/>“Really? Why?”<br/>“Have you ever seen him clean-shaven? Dreadful.”<br/>“Can’t say I have.”<br/>“Trust me, he looks so much better with a beard.”<br/>“If this is him being handsome, I don’t even want to know what he looks like all cleaned up.”<br/>Claire chuckled. “You’re just mad at him, you don’t mean that.”<br/>“I do mean that! He’s awful. Looks like a personified pub rug.”<br/>“Oh, come on, he’s not that bad.”<br/>“If he had the personality to make up for it, he wouldn’t be that bad. But he doesn’t, so he is.”<br/>“Then why do you sleep with him? Why do you snuggle up together like he’s already your husband? Why do you kiss him when you think I’m not looking?”<br/>Ellie glared at her for that remark, but Claire didn’t let it disturb her.<br/>“Yeah, I saw you. In case you hadn’t noticed.”<br/>“Good for you.”<br/>“Not my fault you can’t keep your hands off him. Off your ugly, pub-rug-y lover.”<br/>“It’s not like that.”<br/>“You know I’m right. You like him.”<br/>“<em>I</em> like him? Have you been listening to yourself? The way you talk about him sounds like you’re just waiting for a chance to take him to bed.”<br/>“Wow, you’re defensive. If it helps: I don’t fancy him. All yours.”<br/>“All his ex’s.”<br/>Claire sucked on her teeth. “Yeah. That too.”<br/>“Cunt.”<br/>“Him or Tess?”<br/>“Both. I almost want to go there and just slap him.”<br/>“Don’t, he doesn’t seem like the type to be into that.”<br/>Ellie snorted. “You think?”<br/>“Have your tried?”<br/>“No. Maybe I should.”<br/>“Sure, whatever works for you. Just make sure you don’t overexcite his poor little heart.”<br/>“My <em>god</em>.”, the annoyance was palpable. “His stupid fucking heart. I know that it’s not his fault that he’s sick but it’s so frustrating. I can’t do anything without thinking ‘Is he going to die any moment now?’.”<br/>“That would be frustrating. He’s such hard work.”<br/>“Yeah. Not worth it.”<br/>Claire pulled a face. Smack talking Alec and playing into Ellie’s jealousy was all good fun, but she didn’t actually want to drive a wedge between them. “You don’t mean that. And stop worrying about him and Tess, you don’t know what’s going on there. Maybe it was something urgent about Daisy and he didn’t want you around for that, who knows. But telling yourself that you hate him when you clearly don’t is just stupid.”<br/>Ellie’s bottom lip was quivering as she stared at Claire. “I don’t want to lose him.”<br/>“You won’t. He’s incredibly loyal; you have no idea.”<br/>“He better be. If I lose trust in another man, I don’t know what I’ll do but it won’t be pretty.”<br/>“You’ll be fine. He’s nothing if not a loyal dog.”<br/>Unless he was continuously ignoring Claire’s messages for days on end, of course. But really, Claire hoped he wouldn’t mess things up with Ellie. That would be awful right now and the last thing she needed was Alec being preoccupied with fixing his not-relationship instead of Claire’s own struggles. Although, with how limited his social life was, he’d likely come to Claire after that disaster and if she played her cards right, she might have him all to herself again. No distractions, no fussy co-workers. Just her influence to direct him to the right conclusions about whatever new information he was turning up. <br/>Claire eyed up Ellie’s face. Would that prospect be worth making Ellie unhappy? She really wasn’t sure anymore.</p>
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